


Loading, please wait.

by tobewritten



Series: loading, please wait [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex knows she's in love with the two of them, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, CADMUS - Freeform, Character Study, F/F, Kidnapped, Maggie and Lucy are in love with Alex but in denial that they might be inlove with each other too, Memory Loss, Other, Sisterhood, alex has the support she needs, but she thinks Maggie and Lucy are together, established gay!Alex, light fluff, little sister!Kara, slow burn? not so slow i dont know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-10-10 22:59:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 53,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10449489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobewritten/pseuds/tobewritten
Summary: "Alex, no," Kara pleaded. Her eyes glossed with the unshed tears threatening to fall."Go Kara. Fly," Alex all but pushed her out of the crumbling building.There were tears, there were screams and  Kara could feel nothing but her heart tearing and shattering at its seams as she begged and pleaded and no no no no no-





	1. and I go searching through reflections for your outline

It was late. A little too late and Kara had waited patiently in the DEO, tapping her foot against the polished granite floors and abandoning the report that she was supposedly writing since morning. She huffed, shutting down her laptop, knowing it was no use to continue writing when no words seemed to form coherently along the glowing screen. It was late. And she shouldn't be just waiting for J'onn to give her the command but she had to. If she wanted to find Alex alive, she needed to wait. She let out a soft sigh and rubbed her eyes before looking around. The DEO was slowly getting emptier and emptier and the only ones left are those that had the graveyard shift (meaning it's only primarily her, Vasquez and Lucy left with a few handful of agents.) If it were any other day, Kara would have gone back to her apartment by now and slept the night off, with the heavy burden of tomorrow's responsibility lulling her to sleep. But it was late. And she was still here. Waiting, just waiting for _something_.

\---

_"Alex, no," Kara pleaded. Her eyes glossed with the unshed tears threatening to fall._

_"Go Kara. Fly," Alex all but pushed her out of the crumbling building._

_Her visions blurred with the constant overflowing tears and she swore there were screams but Kara- Kara could feel nothing but her heart tearing and shattering at its seams as she begged and pleaded and no no no no no-_

\---

"Kara, go home," J'onn had begged but she wouldn't budge. No, she had to wait. Wait for the command, wait for the news, wait for the intel that Lucy and Maggie were supposedly working towards. (They're working eerily good together, she noticed.)But nevertheless, she had to wait, wait, wait, and wait.

But waiting had a good time making her heart and brain into a heated turmoil as she pictured Alex, _oh so broken Alex_ , with her sad smile and sad eyes and acceptance oozing out of her body like the open wound on her torso. The few milliseconds of glimpses as Alex fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face, apologizing over and over again knowing that Kara would hear, Kara could hear, Kara had to hear. The few final heartbeat in rhythm with Kara's frantic pleas as she tried to push through the Kryptonite room, calling for her sister, for her best friend, for her home. But it was useless and hopeless and by the time she reached the place she last saw her sister, they had taken her.

Cadmus.

She'd find them and she'll tear them apart; every corner and every member of their organization she'll make them suffer. She'll rip their parts and crush them beneath her fingers. She'll hurt and she'll make them pay for the pain, for the heartache, for the insanity of having no knowledge on where or how her sister is.

But she waited. Because she can't find Alex and there's nothing she can do and no rounds around National City was going to make her feel better. So she waited. Because that's what Alex would do. Alex would wait and think and figure out a way. (Kara was never the brain between the two of them.)

\---

It was a week later when Cadmus finally screwed up when their experiments reeked out complacency and ego. They left their trail carelessly, believing that they had won; that Supergirl had fallen ever since the fake news of Agent Danvers' demise; bleeding to death in the middle of an empty warehouse a little too far away from National City, from civilization. They thought they were smart with their photographs and their videos of her screaming and her questionable relentless determination to push through for every time they used her as target practice. They were careless; thinking that they could kill the girl who grew up alongside aliens; thinking that the girl who fought criminals and aliens could die out that easily without putting up a fight; that she wouldn't have learned a thing or two from those that had captured her before them. They were careless and Kara had found her- had memorized every beating of her heart and Kara had found her. As if there was a compass that finally emerged to her knowing full well that she could wait no more.

She ignored co-director Lane's request to wait for backup, ignored Maggie's begging that Alex can't have her sister get hurt and ignored J'onn until he eventually agreed to go along with her. She ignored every voice in her head and focused on one thing only; Alex's heartbeat.

By the time the DEO units arrived, the Cadmus warehouse facility was in ruins and there were bodies in ashes. Supergirl emerged among the smoke, a limp body in her arms.

Alex's heart was barely beating and there was too much blood- fresh and dried- staining her body and too many scars and wounds mapping out her skin.  
But alive. Alex was alive. and that's all that mattered.

\---

It was the joint effort of the DEO and the NCPD (which basically means Detective Sawyer becoming a part-time DEO worker due to all the times she came to help J'onn and Lucy out.) and it was with the help of Lena Luthor, her new-found confidant, where she found back her strength to pick up the pieces that broke when she brought Alex back to the DEO; bloodied, lifeless, breathing. The dam that held every single worry and anxiety and fear that she would have lost another home, another world, another goddamn person that she love, broke as she flew to Lena's window, needing a friend, needing a shoulder to cry on. Needing someone to be strong for her because she can no longer be strong when Alex is dying and Alex is weak and it was all her fault for letting her sacrifice herself that way. Lena let her stayed, let her cry on her shoulder and she washed her stained Supergirl outfit with pure care and tender and she made Kara breakfast the day after as they both fell asleep on the couch.

Lucy became the force that pushed the entire DEO through when they failed to capture Cadmus again. She was there tirelessly pulling out contacts over contacts and trailing leads towards sketchy hideouts and bringing her team, consisting the best only, to potential Cadmus facilities. Lucy fought and defended, and alongside her was Maggie who used her detective skills, and her intel from the alien dive bar, to trail out every single person who was involved with Cadmus. They investigated and dug up every single connection they had. If they worked a little too well together, it meant nothing but the thought of getting their _best friend_ -because that was all Alex was to them— back home. If they found relief in staying in Alex's office because it was the only place that still smells like the woman they love, platonic or _more_ , found stability in working together, found a sense of _something_ when Alex was stabilized in the OR, then who is to stop them?

They worked and worked and worked while Supergirl took it upon herself to place justice where it belongs and making sure that once Alex woke up, a full report is ready and have her known that Kara had given them the taste of their own medicine. When Alex wake up, she would be able to tell her to rest and that everything is done. And she would be able to hug her sister again because it's been 2 weeks and she isn't sure she can handle not hearing her voice or seeing her eyes anymore.

And the three women were a force to be reckoned with, connected through Alex and molded and melted into a perfect vengeance in the name of the woman that touched the souls of their life, whether she realized it or not. And maybe if they kept themselves busy enough, it would erase the blueness of Alex's lips and the scars littering her face and her body. And it would erase the flashes of tortures seen through black and white video clips and of Alex's screams and of helplessness.

\---

When Alex woke up, there were screaming and pleadings and begging that she can't endure it anymore. That she should have died. Please don't hurt her. She's so tired. She can't take the pain. Just kill her already. And then there was thrashing and hurting and _you can't experiment on me. You can't break me. I would die before you even use me as a weapon._ And the doctor hurriedly sedated her before she ripped open the wounds that were meticulously stitched up or the gash at the back of her head that can leave her exposed and vulnerable to death.

Kara stood there watching, crying, and praying to Rao that her sister would be alright. And for the umpteenth time, Kara wished she had the power to take away the pain choking her sister alive. (what's the use of super strength when she can't hold up the one important person in her life?)

\---

When Alex woke up for the second time, she was calmer. And more aware. Her eyes scanned the white room, her lips tremble but no words left her mouth as she tried to recall the familiarity of her surrounding. But she couldn't. It wouldn't click. But she knew, from the brightness of the room that she was no longer in Cadmus and her heart calmed a little. _Anything was better than Cadmus._

Alex?" and the voice was familiar too. But Alex tilted her head to look up at the blonde in blue and red suit and her eyes squinted, trying to process who the person in front of her was and where she was and what the hell is going on with the pounding headache throbbing in the back of her mind and-

"Who's Alex?"

\---

All she remembered were flashes of red and white; of blinding pain and burns; of broken bones and harsh words. All she remembered were blurry faces and hazy voices. All she remembered was an empty warehouse and the sound of crashing and breaking echoing in her ears. All she remembered was the brand mark on her shoulder, scalding through her skin and seeping into her arteries, ingraining itself into her own soul.  
She couldn't recognize the mark with the shape of an S.

But worse, she couldn't recognize the people around her, the new found safety, her own body.

_This isn't real. They're tricking you again. It's another hallucination. You're not safe._

\---

They tried. Oh how hard they did. There weren't any medication that the doctors were willing to give due to a number of painkillers they had already prescribed to Alex. Another dosage of a drug would screw her entire body up.

Kara did her best; showing pictures over pictures, retelling stories of when they were younger, pointing out constellations as they sat on the roof of Alex's apartment until the sun rose. And she'd tell Alex about the reason she became Supergirl and the things that kept her going and it felt too much like a role reversal that led to Kara wishing she could change it all back.

Lucy did her best to recollect past missions, and Alex's previous research and bringing Alex's favourite bourbon at nights when she couldn't sleep and she'd play Alex's old college playlist on the iPod in which Alex kept hidden in a drawer near the door; the one that was once used to cheer Lucy up during her last breakup because Alex Danvers is nothing but a cheesy softie behind her facade.

And Maggie did her best to ease Alex back into the dive bar, where they'd play pool or darts, and she'd bring over pizza from the diner that had become one of their go-to areas when things get shitty and she'd bring over old-fashioned murder cases that Alex has no problem helping out despite everything.

And if Lucy and Maggie ended up accidentally bringing bourbon and pizza on the same night, at the same time, to surprise Alex, the three of them said nothing about the warmth they felt or the comfort or the feeling as if puzzle pieces finally fit together that settled in their stomach when Alex pulled them each to her side and they cuddled on the couch because they're all here. Alex is here and maybe that's enough for now; even if they have to stop themselves from their desire to kiss one another. (They blame it on the loneliness that had festered too long inside them and not the fact that maybe they were a little too in love with each other, all three of them.)

\---

Everyone noticed that Alex was distant. And quiet. And haunted. She placed walls around her heart as those that were supposed to be close to her tried to pick out memories of what had happened. Alex pushed them all away because it's too painful to be re-lived. Too harsh for her body, for her physicality and for her mentality. It was too much pain and too much burning sensation and Alex had never realized that control was the one thing that kept her going then. She hid her scars, redressed her own bandages and she concealed the symbol of the House of El ingrained on the skin below her collarbone, a little close to the right shoulder. No one knew of it except for the doctors and nurses that tended to her and for all she knew, that was the only permanent physical damage that can never be healed.

But she's spiraling down to insanity, hitting rock bottom and digging herself further down to the core of Earth, hoping that the memories would melt just like every inch of skin of her body. She tried to remember. Tried to deceive herself in thinking that if she believed hard enough on every word that Kara said, it would forge into a memory to replace the things that she can remember. She pushed down the other memories away, filed it into a vault that will never be opened again.

\---

Alex pretended that she was getting better. She mastered all the smiles and polite greetings and excitement. She knew what to say to the therapist and what to sell to her colleagues. And it was a success for the first two months. She even tried to act better for Kara who wasn't fooled but wasn't pushing her either. But she forgot- didn't even remember in the first place- that Maggie and Lucy could see right through her too and had no problem on calling out on her shit.

and when Alex finally broke and let out _almost_ \- she can't let them know that she was branded- every single thing that had been done to her, it wasn't Kara that learned of it first. It was the two women that she was certain that she was falling for. (It didn't bother her that she was in love with two beautiful, strong and perfect strangers. It bothered her how much she'll never be able to do anything about it because she was certain that the two of them were _together_.)

\---

_"Kara, where are we going?" Alex quipped as she held on tighter to Kara's shoulder as they breezed past the ocean waters and across the city-state._

_"Just a food truck not too far from here," Kara had replied, ignoring the fact that they were already miles and miles away from Midvale._

_Alex had only shrugged and understood Kara's antics for what it is. As they reached the mentioned food truck, Alex was only glad that she hadn't eaten dinner or else she wouldn't be starving enough to try out at least 2 sets of meals._

_Her mouth savored the taste and the laugh bellowing out of Kara filled her whole as a_ plop _of mustard fell onto her white blouse shirt. Alex had only rolled her eyes,_ mirth _and cheekiness twinkling in her eyes before she flicked mayonnaise towards her sister. The widened eyes and gaping jaw and threats of using heat vision were worth it as she sprinted across the park and ran for her life, laughing and squealing._

\---

"Kara?" her voice startled the sleeping hero out of her slumber. Kara jumped a little on the couch and cuddled a little closer to her older sister. (Alex had finally allowed Kara to touch her after three months and Kara was soaking it up selfishly because she _missed_ Alex)

"I think I remember something," the soft whisper brushed against her right ear and Kara straightened up, glancing at Alex and searching her eyes for answers to questions that she doesn't even know she's asking.

"I'm really craving for some food from the food truck in Chicago,"

A smile broke out on her face and Kara couldn't help herself as she burst out laughing, relief and joy loosening the tight grip around her heart.

_Maybe things will get better._

 

 


	2. i think that keeping this up could be dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "such a shame Alexandra. Say the word and you won't die this way," the attacker taunted her further.
> 
> "Fuck you," Alex spat out before driving the sword into the attacker's chest, twisting it further until it protruded to the other side of the body.

_Alex swung the kryptonite sword in her hands at the attacker, only for it to be a futile attempt. She couldn't catch a glimpse of the face but, god, was the other person fast. Sweats were beading down her forehead and her hair stuck annoyingly to her face. She puffed out a breath as she dodged another hit from the attacker, dressed in a familiar black suit. Alex didn't notice the gun being whipped out of the attacker's holster until she felt a sudden hit against her thigh. Her eyes widened as she looked up only to meet a blurry face staring back at her. But before she could do anything about it, a sharp pain coursed through her thigh, burning the surrounding skin as if it was on fire._

_Alex fell to her knees, clutching her injured leg to her chest as she blinked away the tears that were forming. Fuck. It hurts like shit. The sharp pain radiated outwards, causing the muscles to cramp up and to tear apart from each other. She bit back the scream forming in her throat and gritted her teeth as the pain only deepened. Her body started to tremble and Alex was forced to let out a small whimper._

_"hurts doesn't it?" the attacker mocked her before standing directly in front of Alex's vulnerable form._

_Alex bit her tongue from retorting back to the attacker. Her body tensed as she felt the attacker's presence bend towards her and a soft -strangely familiar- finger caressed her cheek. Alex flinched away but that movement alone caused a stabbing pain in her body. Tears slipped from her eyes and she tried to remain as still as she could, willing her body to accept the death that was coming yet her hand that was still holding the sword, only clutched it tighter._

_"such a shame Alexandra. Say the word and you won't die this way," the attacker taunted her further._

_"Fuck you," Alex spat out before driving the sword into the attacker's chest, twisting it further until it protruded to the other side of the body._

_The blurry face became clearer and clearer as blood oozed out of the attacker's body, dripping down the sword and onto Alex's hand. Alex pushed the sword deeper, ignoring her own pain until it became nothing but numb. Alex lost herself in the satisfaction of beating the attacker, of being powerful, of-_

_"Al-alex?" her sister's broken voice snapped Alex back into reality._

_oh god oh god no no no. this isn't real. this isn't happening_

_"Kara?"  Her eyes widened in disbelief. She stared for a moment too long before the realization struck her. oh god. oh god. oh no. Her hands shook as she desperately and recklessly pulled back the sword out of the attacker -now Kara's- body. Her sister sagged and crumpled, falling to the ground gracelessly._

_"Oh god Kara, no no no" Alex muttered as she dragged herself to Kara's body, blood pouring out of her at an alarming rate. Alex's hands trembled as she brought them towards the hole in the chest; the hole that she created, that she caused. Oh god, she just stabbed her own sister._

_"Kara stay with me please, Kara stay with me!" But there was no respond and Alex's body started to shake uncontrollably as she pressed further on the wound because pressure; pressure will stop the body from bleeding out. And now it's her vision that is blurring because it's Kara and it's her little sister and oh god no no no she didn't just stab her sister and no this isn't right, isn't real, because fuck._

_But the blood staining her hands, her clothes, her entire body was real and oh god, i killed my sister. oh god oh god oh god no no no. How could this happen how could this happen how did i not see it was Kara. Oh god oh god oh god._

_"k-kara please, i'm so-sorry. please, wake up please please please_ _i didn't know please,"_

_"k-kara, please,"_

_And Alex couldn't stop the sob from rising out of her throat or the tears falling rapidly down her cheeks or her heart falling into pieces and she couldn't stop the blood or the rapid paleness of Kara's face and Alex couldn't stop her sister from dying._

_"I'm so sorry, i'm so sorry,_ _i'm so sorry-" she sobbed harder, burying her face in her sister's chest. Her sister- her home, her world, her entire life- that she killed and oh god she's going to be sick and -_

"Stimulation ended"

\---

Alex woke up with a start; her body trembling as she sat upright, her chest heaving. The darkness greeted her eyes as she glanced around the room. She took in her surroundings, soaking in the familiarity of her apartment. Her left hand subconsciously rubbed and traced the emblem on her chest. The ghost of the burn played in her mind and she tried to shake the memory out of her head.

_It's just a dream._

She let out the breath she didn't know she was holding before wiping off the perspiration on her head. _It's just a dream._ She turned to her bedside table and grabbed her phone. She blinked once, twice, three times before her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the screen and without thinking twice, she dialed Kara's number. _It's just a dream, god damn it._

"Alex?" Kara's sleepy voice calmed her racing heart down and Alex finally took in a deep breath. Kara's fine. Kara's alive. She didn't kill her sister.

"Alex, you alright?" Kara's voice raised a little in worry at the silent on the end of the other line. Alex took another few deep breaths before replying. Kara's fine.

"Yeah, sorry, I accidentally called you by mistake. Go back to sleep," she whispered before hanging up the phone and throwing it back into the bedside table.

_It's just a dream._

\---

"Delivery for Dr. Danvers," a knock on the door accompanied by Maggie's teasing voice, startled Alex, who was sitting on the couch and staring at the fireplace in front of her. Alex rubbed her itchy eyes and wince a little as it stung.

Alex schooled her face into a neutral expression before quirking up a small smile. She opened the door and greeted Maggie with a hug. Maggie stepped into the threshold and held up the steaming cup towards Alex. Alex gratefully took the cup and sipping it; her eyes mechanically closed in delight as the first taste of the chai tea hit her tongue.

"you're the best," Alex moaned, opening back her eyes when Maggie's chuckle filled the air. Alex's chest warmed at the sound and she couldn't help the sincere smile gracing her lips then.

"Did Lucy finally gave me the okay sign to enter the DEO again?" Alex asked, moving across the apartment and into the kitchen. She opened up her fridge and took out two eggs and started heating up the pan on the stove. She glanced at Maggie over her shoulder, raising an eyebrow as Maggie hesitated to reply.

"Well, technically, Dr. Hamilton cleared you a week ago. And you know, Lucy..." Maggie trailed off. She stepped towards the counter and leaned her forearms on it. She started playing with her fingers and Alex only waited for her to continue as she cracked the eggs into the pan.

"You still haven't gotten most of your memories back, Danvers. Your directors don't think it's a wise idea for you to get back in-"

"but it's been three months-"

"until Dr. Roderick thinks it's safe for you,"

"safe? What's that supposed to mean," an empty silent took over the room, with only the sound of sizzling coming from the pan. Maggie let out a small sigh, sensing the tension in Alex's body with the way the muscles in shoulder became taut beneath the sweater she was wearing. Alex stirred the eggs a few more times before turning off the fire and dumping the eggs aggressively into a plate.

"Alex-"

"I don't get it. I know the memories are taking its own sweet time coming back to me but I still know how to fight, I still remember my training and I definitely remember how to use a god damn gun," Alex huffed, stabbing the eggs with her fork before shoving them into her mouth.

"Alex, we don't want you into the field in case you remembered something-"

"isn't that good?"

"Geez woman stop interrupting me for the love of god," Maggie hissed, promptly shutting Alex up. Maggie sighed heavily before slumping into the barstool in front of her.

"We can't have you in the field when your mind isn't a hundred percent. You're not ready, Al. Even if it's three months or three years. It doesn't matter because you're..."

"I'm what? perpetually traumatized? I'm a soldier, Sawyer. This shit happens,"

"But you're also human,"

Alex pfft at Maggie's statement but kept quiet instead. Something about that sentence caused her stomach to quench uncomfortably. She didn't want to argue, though; not this early in the morning, and not towards someone who has been nothing but kind and patient towards her. Alex finished the last remaining of her eggs before getting up and putting the plate in the dishwasher.

"I got to go. Don't forget you have an appointment with Dr. Roderick later," Maggie said before straightening her jacket and heading towards the door. Alex nodded her head and followed Maggie out. She gave her a quick hug and as soon as Maggie was out of sight, Alex shut the door and leaned against the wall, head thumping with a soft thud as she took a few deep breaths. Her heart felt heavy as she chewed over the conversation.

_I'm a liability._

\---

"A penny for your thoughts, Kara?" Lena asked as she settled into the chair opposite the reporter.

Kara glanced up as Lena slid her cup of coffee towards her. She gave off a grateful smile before sipping her coffee.

"What do you mean?" Kara turned her attention towards her bagel next and started chewing on it slowly. Lena frowned at the unusual action. Kara would usually be swallowing food over food within minutes and this? This definitely means that something was bothering her friend.

"Well, first of all, you're not enjoying your food," Lena pointed out before sipping from her own cup. Kara sighed and shrugged. A lot has been on her mind -between CatCo. and Snapper and then with Alex- there were so many things bothering her but she knew the most troubling one was Alex's sudden calls in the middle of the night for the past week.

"It's Alex. She's been calling me at like three in the morning for the past week and every time i answered, all she said was that it was an accident before she hung up," Another sigh escaped her lips.

It's been three months since she has gotten Alex back and yet, despite Alex being physically fine, Kara still knew that her sister was still struggling. The memory loss only seems to be adding to the problems and Kara was at a lost on how to help her sister. The most Alex could remember was small memories of her childhood and nothing much of the present yet. Kara rubbed her face in frustration. _God damn it._

"Is she having trouble sleeping?" Lena asked, hoping to ease her friend.

"I guess. But she won't tell me about it and i think she's having nightmares, Lee. I just wish there was something I could do,"

Lena reached out across the table and covered Kara's free hand with hers. She gave a small reassuring squeeze but before she could retake back her hand, Kara turned her palm upwards and clutched Lena's fingers.

"Maybe she's just scared to tell you about it and maybe you should just ask her?"

"But i'm her sister! Why would she be scared?"

"Kara, we still don't know the extend of what really happened to Alex. All you know, are the ones she shared with you about. Who's to say she doesn't keep half of the things hidden?"

Kara slumped back into her chair. She knew Lena was right. Heck, she even knew it herself. She just hadn't wanted to push Alex in case. Kara's grip on Lena's fingers tightened as she mulled over what Lena had said.

"You're right. I guess I'll talk to her tonight," Kara concluded. Lena sighed softly as the troubled look on Kara's face didn't seem to cease. She almost had the urge to stroke the crease on her forehead but thought better of herself.

"Lunch's almost over and I got to head back to CatCo. I'll text you?" Kara asked as they both got up to get ready to leave.

"Of course, Kara," Lena smiled and gave Kara a hug before they went off to their separate ways. Kara ran her fingers through her hair and pursed her lips. She really needed to talk to Alex soon.

\---

"Agent Vasquez, I believe you brought us here to update us on Cadmus?" Director J'onn asked as he sat in one of the chairs in the conference room, co-director Lucy Lane following suit beside him.

"Yes sir,"

"Proceed then,"

Agent Vasquez nodded their head. They opened the manila folder in their hands and handed out two pieces of the same printed documentation towards both the Directors. Director Lane raised her eyebrow as she read her piece of paper but there was too much medical jargon in it that she could barely understand. She knew the paperwork were from the bio-analyst in the medical wing and despite her being proud of the efficiency of the work, she couldn't help but feel frustrated over it.

"Please, explain to us in English what these words mean," Lucy said through gritted teeth, a headache forming before she gave up on reading the entire paper. _Alex would've understood._

"In Agent Danvers' latest medical evaluation, a Cardiac MRI scan was issued by Dr. Hamilton to evaluate the agent's anatomy of the heart. In which, the results produced a day ago indicated the abnormality compared to Agent Danvers' previous results before Cadmus..." Agent Vasquez abruptly stopped themselves as a shiver ran down their spine when memories of what happened came flooding back. They shook their head to get rid of the mental images before glancing back up to the Directors. Lucy gave them a gesture to continue and they quickly picked up where they left off.

"Anyways, it appears that the input of blood flow is unusually high, almost too high for a human to survive. There's some other medical explanation in which Dr. Hamilton said, but long story short, it also appears that Agent Danvers' heart has increased in size in terms of the chambers and vessels and the muscles surrounding the heart is thicker than average. If it were under any other circumstances, it would have assumed that the heart would have burst out of Agent Danvers body itself but-" Agent Vasquez paused again. They took a deep breath and mentally prep themselves to convey the news towards the two Directors. Two pairs of eyes regarded them carefully and Vasquez forced themselves to continue.

"Dr. Hamilton herself had theories that the entirety of Agent Danvers' anatomy has changed- or more accurately has been augmented by Cadmus itself,"

"So you're saying, Cadmus has enhanced Alex's physicality?" Lucy had to ask, had to confirm because this? This had been plaguing everyone's mind about the possibilities of the damage of what Cadmus had done to Alex. _And god, how do you tell Alex this... whatever this is?_

"We believe so, ma'am,"

"However, there's something else," J'onn stated as he watched Vasquez, one of his best agent, fidget in their usual confident stance. A wave of uneasiness washed over him and anger boiled in his stomach. J'onn clenched his fists on the table, restraining himself from rummaging through the city to just find Lillian Luthor and make her pay for all of this.

Vasquez nodded their head before continuing, "A DNA test also indicated that there's a foreign gene in her system now. And it seems that the DNA introduced is a synthetic Kryptonian DNA similar to Kara's and Clark's,"

Lucy slumped in her chair, head in her hands as she processed the information. _What. The. Fuck._

"So you're saying, Alex, has Kryptonian powers now?"

"Dr. Hamilton believed that there is a potential for the powers to form but there's also a potential that the DNA itself would be lethal," A deadly silent filled the room as the enormity of the situation settled itself onto their shoulders.

"So what do we do now?' Lucy asked breaking the silence and directing the question towards J'onn.

"I'm guessing Dr. Hamilton wants a full body MRI scan-" Vasquez nodded at this. "-and we have no other choice than to inform Alex of the situation itself,"

"Notify Agent Danvers to report to DEO med bay tomorrow," he said to Vasquez who started typing on their tablet.

"Is that all, Vasquez?"

"Yes, sir,"

"Alright, you're dismissed then," Another nod from the agent, before they left the room. Lucy got up from her chair and both Directors stood there awkwardly, silently hoping for some sort of reassurance but knowing neither would give away false hope.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Lucy wondered out loud, her heart sinking into her stomach.

"She's strong, that I can assure you but either way, she'll have us," J'onn nodded.  _He's going to help his earth-daughter damnit._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... i'm not a med student and i might be going all bs about the anatomy and the mri scan but i think my research was okay? if it's wrong pls do tell me in the comment section and i'll update it!


	3. keep your it'll get better's and i'll keep my I'll be just fine's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Please don't tell anyone," Alex mumbled weakly, fearfully, anxiously; her voice too small and too soft as she backed herself into the wall opposite the door. Alex slid towards the floor, her body sagging against the wall and she curled her knees towards her chest. Lucy could see her body trembling, either from exhaustion or fear, and Lucy swore her heart broke again that day as she watched Alex -badass-i-have-everything-under-control Danvers, in that weak, small, fearful state.

Alex swiftly moved on her feet, body in a fighting stance as her focus was directed onto the punching bag in front of her. She pivoted on her left foot, and swung her right leg towards the bag, hitting it with a loud smack. As quick as she returned to her bearings, she strike with her left hand and then with her right, uppercutting the bag. The bag swayed against every hit and every kick, almost as if it was being beaten to the beat of the music blasting throughout the apartment.

"Fucking shrink, think they know everything," another punch, another swift counter attack.

"Apparently, _maybe I'm getting better at hiding and not actually getting better,_ " Alex mocked followed by a jab.

"Well, fuck that," punch, kick, block, repeat.

 _"Maybe you're too afraid to remember everything_ ," Alex scoffs because what kind of logic is that. She struck another roundhouse of punches, too absorbed in clearing off her pent up energy to notice the door of her apartment opening.

 _"Do you think you're the burden, Alex?" Well, fuck you_.

"I don't even remember how Kara actually became Supergirl-"

"I don't remember how I met Maggie or Lucy-"

"or how i got into the DEO-"

"or how the hell did i not fucking die when Cadmus injected that fucking poison into me!" The last statement was followed by one of Alex's strongest blow, causing the bag to sway too hard and the chains breaking from its place on the ceiling. The bag dropped to the ground with a loud resounding thud and a gasp was heard coming from the hallway of her mini-gym room. Alex stared shell-shocked at the bag, before shaking her head, scowling and blaming it on the rusty chains instead. _Pathetic. Just like her._

Alex turned her head towards the gasping sound, shutting off the music with the remote on the floor, only to be greeted by Lucy who was standing at the threshold of the door, her jaw dropped. Alex saw the look in Lucy's eyes; how wide it is and how her pupils were slightly dilated. Alex bend down to grab her bottle, feeling Lucy's gaze down her back and she couldn't help but smirk a little. _No harm in a little flirting, am i right?_

"Like something you see?" Alex teased, her back still towards Lucy. Lucy gulped as the muscles in her shoulders shift beneath the sports bra that Alex was donned in. Her mouth dried a little further as her eyes accidentally trailed down her back and _fuck okay I've forgotten how hot Alex Danvers is._ She mentally mapped out the scars and wounds on her back, imagining what it'd be like to trace and outline them with her fingertips - or even better, _her lips_. Lucy shuddered at that thought of intimacy.

"how do you get in anyway?" Alex asked, after a beat of silence- not wanting to push on the flirting because she was a _99% sure that Maggie and Lucy were dating_ \- when Lucy didn't reply her initial question. Alex heard Lucy gulped a little too loud and she rolled her eyes playfully, grabbing her towel and started wiping the sweats of her body.

"you-uh, you uh forgot to um lock the door-yeah," Lucy stammered. Alex turned around, giving Lucy a full front view of herself and bit down her bottom lip as Lucy's eyes stayed glued on her abs and the scars scattered all over her body. Alex momentarily forgot the brand mark on her chest until she felt Lucy gaze shift upwards.

Lucy tilted her head - Maggie definitely had rubbed off on her - before asking cautiously, "Danvers, what's that on your chest?"

 _Oh fuck._ Alex's eyes blew wide as she used the towel to quickly hide the mark while consciously taking a step back. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck._ The initial flirty atmosphere dissipated abruptly as Lucy's eyes flashed in worry and concern. Alex took another step back, her free hand clutched around her waist and she felt a little too exposed, a little too vulnerable.

"Alex?" Lucy felt a lump in her throat as she remained still at the door. She had seen the distinguishable emblem of the House of El and her heart thumped louder in her chest. _Please, god no._ Tears sprang in her eyes as all the possibilities of how the emblem ended up engraved in Alex's chest flashed in her mind. She felt her stomach coiled and she resisted the urge to puke.

"Please don't tell anyone," Alex mumbled weakly, fearfully, anxiously; her voice too small and too soft as she backed herself into the wall opposite the door. Alex slid towards the floor, her body sagging against the wall and she curled her knees towards her chest. Lucy could see her body trembling, either from exhaustion or fear, and Lucy swore her heart broke again that day as she watched Alex -badass-i-have-everything-under-control Danvers, in that weak, small, fearful state.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise," Lucy whispered, afraid that if her voice was any louder, it would destroy Alex a little further. Lucy cautiously stepped closer towards the agent, before dropping to her knees slowly.

"Alex, look at me," Lucy said and her eyes immediately caught Alex's. Her heart clenched as she saw the vulnerability and the fear in the redhead's eyes like a scared little child. Alex curled further into herself, trying to stop the trembling in her body but failing miserably. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"It's okay, Al. You're okay. Can I touch you?" Lucy's voice was still soft and it shook Alex to the core how she is not angry or mad or disappointed. Alex shuddered and breathed out shakily before nodding her head. She felt Lucy's arms engulfing her into a hug, Lucy pulling her head towards her chest as she rubbed circled on Alex's sweaty back. Alex melted and shivered at the sensation before sighing softly.

"I'm sorry," Alex muttered, her head still tugged nicely into Lucy's chest, her hands wrapped around herself; too afraid to cling onto her best friend, in case Lucy decided not to stay.

"There's nothing to apologize for. You're okay, it's okay," Lucy cooed, stroking Alex's arms and her head and her back, in hopes that it would release the tension from the body.

"You're okay, it's okay," Lucy whispered one more time and Alex could feel her heart beating a little more normal and her body shaking a little less. Alex shut her eyes and tried to ground herself to the present, of Lucy's touch, and of her warmth.

_God, I want to believe you so bad._

\---

She doesn't remember how she moved from the floor to the couch and she doesn't remember how she ended up wearing her old Stanford hoodie along with her sweats. But she doesn't care for a moment because Lucy saw and she's going to start judging because Alex wasn't strong enough to stop them from doing this, wasn't strong enough to get out, to save herself, wasn't strong enough so she'd succumb to death and waited for it patiently for the entire week when Cadmus had her. wasn't strong enough because, within four days, she'd given up on fighting and allowed herself to be pushed and prodded and experimented on.

_You're nothing but an abused child; forced to become a slave for those Kryptonians in the name of being a protector._

_You're nothing but someone else' property._

"Al, come back to me Alex, come back to me," Lucy whispered, pulling Alex out of her thoughts. Alex stared back at her numbly, her eyes vacant of any emotions as she sat stiffly on the couch. Lucy sighed, passing the hot mug of chamomile tea to Alex. Alex shook her head and looked vacantly down to the carpeted floor, not accepting the mug. _I don't deserve this,_ i _don't deserve kindness, not when_ i'm _pretty sure Cadmus tried to make me hurt you too._

Lucy sighed again, putting the mug down on the coffee table before speaking, "Do you want me to call Kara?"

Alex started shaking her head vehemently because _no no no. Kara can't know. Kara mustn't know because if she did, she won't ever look at me again and_ i _don't think_ i _can handle losing her like this._

"okay, okay. Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" Alex shouted, panic in her voice, without thinking. _no no no please don't_ go i _don't know what_ i'll _do to myself so please please stay._

"i mean, if you want to g-go then it's, it's okay but i- uh i-" Alex stuttered, unable to complete her sentence because please please please stay.

"it's okay Al, i'll stay. Do you want me to call Maggie too?" Lucy asked because she knows. She knows Alex finds comfort in Maggie being near, she knows how Alex leaned into Maggie's touch, and she knows how Alex tends to smile a little bit more when the detective is around. Lucy ignored the small tingling jealousy brewing in her stomach because of Alex, Alex is much more important than whatever Lucy is feeling and if Alex needs Maggie and Lucy then hell, Lucy will do anything for that woman.

"if-if she's free? please," Alex replied timidly, her rigid posture slowly melting away as she leaned unknowingly slowly into Lucy's shoulder.

Lucy gave her a reassuring smile, before opening up her arms for her best friend to snuggle into and holding Alex close because _god, god, god, I'm in love with this woman even if she doesn't love me the same way. And_ i'm _going to love this woman even if it means_ i _can help mend every broken piece and_ i _can help her love herself again._

\---

  
Maggie arrived at Alex's apartment, a bag of groceries occupying both her hands. She knocked on the door with her left foot and waited patiently for Lucy to open the door. After receiving the urgent text from Lucy a while ago, Maggie had quickly finished up all the paperwork she had within half an hour and flew out the door of the precinct. She sped through National City on her bike, toeing the law of the traffic, only to stop at the grocery store a few block down Alex's apartment. _A home cook meal would help_.

"It's open!"

Maggie sighed as she maneuvered the bags in her hands and turned the knob before pushing herself into the apartment. Her eyes scan the room, dimly lit with soft acoustic music drifting through the air. The tv was on, murmuring softly in the background and Maggie caught sight of the two women sitting on the couch, one leaning onto the other.

"Mags?" Alex's voice cracked, spurring Maggie to drop the bags onto the counter before padding towards Alex and kneeling in front of the agent. She glanced at Lucy who gave her a soft sad smile before turning her gaze to the redhead.

"How does a home cook meal sounds, Danvers?" she asked softly, her hand hovering near Alex's cheek. Alex closed her eyes slowly, automatically leaning herself into Maggie's palm and sighing softly. She let herself get lost in the soothing touch of Maggie's hand on her cheek and of Lucy's body that she's leaning into. _God, they make everything better._

"so?"

"A home cook meal sounds the best, Sawyer," Alex said, a small smile appeared on her face as Maggie's dimpled grin was on display. Lucy shook her head, smiling a little to herself as Alex seemed more relax now than ever. They'd still have to talk about the whole _thing_ but that can wait.

"What about you, Lane?"

Alex watched the exchange and her heart fluttered a little as she watched the couple staring at each other, a mixture of amusement and endearment evident in their eyes. A small twinge of envy made itself at home in her body and Alex peeled her eyes away from the pair.

"As long as it's edible Sawyer," Lucy teased, only laughing a little when Maggie smacked her arm with the back of her hand.

Alex sighed in contentment. God, she knew why there were butterflies in her stomach every time she's with either of them but here, now, and all those times all three of them are together? She felt the same butterflies multiplying and she had to stop herself from lingering too long into their embrace because it's already hard and heavy enough to not get too attached to one of them but it's a whole lot harder when both of them are holding her like that. _Like she's worth something. Like they want her too as much as she wants them._

It's strange really, how natural and un-weird the situation was to her. How utterly and intensely she adores - or god forbade loves- her two best friends at the same time, with the same intensity. Alex groaned mentally. Of course, she's got to have an emotional turmoil on top of everything else. But she's not going to beat herself over this. She's going to enjoy their presence even if it means dying a little more inside knowing they only care for her in a platonic sense of way.

Alex hummed as Lucy's hand tangled in her hair, massaging her scalp soothingly. Alex could feel herself ease up after the incident from earlier that day. She wondered if Lucy had some hidden judgment about the emblem on her chest and she hated herself for thinking that as her heart missed a beat. Her hand hovered on her sweatshirt, above the mark, and a shudder ran through her spine again.

"You're okay, Al. We're okay," Lucy reassured as she sensed Alex tensing up again, taking Alex's hovering hand with her other free hand and clutching their fingers together.

"Dinner's ready," Maggie piped up from the kitchen. She took off her- Alex's, really- apron and brought the three plates towards the couch. She settled them onto the coffee table and headed back into the kitchen to grab three bottles of sodas.

Alex eyed her choice of beverages carefully, "nothing stronger?" she asked.

Maggie shook her head, "not today." Alex only nodded before sitting up properly and taking the plate.

They dug into the home cook dinner that Maggie had prepared for them and both Alex and Lucy hummed simultaneously as they took their first bite. Maggie watched them with fondness in her eyes as they ate like there was no tomorrow.

As soon as they finished their dinner, Lucy took it upon herself to transfer the plates to the kitchen and decided to wash them on her own; giving Alex and Maggie some time alone. Maggie noticed Alex small pout as Lucy untangled herself from Alex and she couldn't help but feel as if she's intruding; as if she's in between two people that so obviously love each other more than one can comprehend. Her heart ached a little and she stopped herself from touching Alex because _god she's been wild over this woman in front of her since they first met at the airport, since their first kiss and god she just wants to kiss her again._

"cuddles?" Alex muttered, her eyes not looking at Maggie, afraid that the detective would find her request weird and a little too intimate. Maggie shook herself from her thoughts and she nodded her head, opening her arms and gesturing for Alex to come to her. Alex smiled affectionately, and eagerly shift herself so she's into Maggie's arms, her head laying on the detective's chest and her legs straightened towards the other end of the couch.

"you okay, Ally?" Maggie asked, and Alex swooned a little at the new nickname.

"i'm better now that you're here -both of you," Alex whispered.

"You know you can tell me anything right?" Maggie assured her and she felt Alex nodded against her chest.

"i know, but not yet. Soon, but not now," Alex muttered before shifting her gaze towards the tv.

Lucy returned to the couch and Alex bent her legs to give Lucy space to sit. As soon as Lucy was settled down, Alex quickly planted her feet onto Lucy's lap. Lucy rolled her eyes at the gesture but didn't push Alex off of her.

"Stay for a little while?" she asked, turning her head to the both of them so that they'd know that she was asking them both.

"Of course," Lucy replied, her hands starting to massage Alex's feet.

"Sure," Maggie smiled down towards the girl and placed her arm protectively around the agent's waist. Alex smiled in contentment.

If all three of them felt a little better, a little sated, over the fact that they were all there, safe, and _together_ , they didn't bring it up.

\---

_Alex pursed her lips and steel her gaze. She tilted her head cockily towards Major Lane and Colonel Harper as they questioned her knowledge about J’onn’s secret. She stared down at the lie detector test hooked up to her and steadied her heartbeat. She was trained for this. She’d lie her way through anything if it means keeping her family safe._

_“Turn it on. I have nothing to hide, Colonel,” Alex said, clearly and confidently._

_“We’ll see about that,” the Colonel nodded his head towards Major Lane and she pressed the button to start the test. Here we go._

_“Is your name Alexandra Danvers,” Major Lane asked, her eyes hard and steady._

_Alex smiled tightly, tauntingly, snarkily towards the Major; her eyes keeping a firm contact with the woman in front of her. “Alex. Yes,” she corrected smugly._

_“Did you know that Hank Henshaw was being impersonated by an alien criminal when you were recruited?”_

_“He is not a criminal-”_

_“Answer the question, Agent Danvers,” if they were in any other circumstances, Alex would’ve sworn that that kind of authority coming from the Major, would have turned her on and sent heat straight to her core._

_“I did not know that Hank was being impersonated by an alien refugee when I was being recruited by the DEO,” It wasn’t a lie. She hadn’t known then but she knew now. And that wasn’t a lie and hell, she’s gonna beat this lie detector test so that it’ll keep her family safe, keep her father-figure safe._

_She thought back about the time when she first met J’onn, and how he had saved her; had given her life a purpose when he recruited her. Her eyes met Lucy’s, hoping that she’ll see the sincerity in her body that J’onn was every bit of her father like how General Lane was hers._

_She managed to successfully keep her heart rate steady as the colonel asked the million dollar question. It worked. She lied and she passed and she’s one step closer to getting J’onn away from the army brats in the DEO. She breathed a sigh of relief as she started pulling out the lie detector machine from her. Alex stared at Lucy again, trying to read her mind but instead, was taken aback by Lucy’s intelligence._

_Of course, Major Lane can see through the lie. Fuck._

_“Wait, she’s lying,” And Alex couldn’t hear anything else but the blood rushing to the brain because fuck. She totally didn’t see this coming._

_“You’re under arrest,” Lucy stated and before she knew it, Alex was being cuffed and shoved out of the DEO._

\---

Alex woke up with a start. _This is new._ She rubbed her eyes and sat up from the lying position on the couch. She blinked a few times, making out the silhouettes that she was laying on. Her head on Maggie’s lap and the bottom half of her body on Lucy’s. Both of them were snoring softly, and Alex couldn’t help the warmth spreading through her. Alex blinked a few times, looking around her apartment and she noticed the balcony door opened wide.

“Kara?” Alex mumbled, not wanting to wake the other two women up yet.

“I’m here Al,” Kara muttered back, floating, cross-legged, on the balcony of Alex’s apartment. Alex checked the time on the wall clock -a little close to midnight- before joining her little sister on the balcony.

“You okay?” Alex asked, her voice still thick with sleep and exhaustion.

“Honestly, no?”

Alex turned to look at her sister who was staring at the stars with glossy eyes. Alex raised her eyebrows before pulling Kara down from where she was floating and into Alex’s arms.

“Talk to me, sweetie,” Alex said as she started playing with Kara’s hair.

“It’s funny, i mean not really, but you know, its a figure of speech-” Kara began to ramble and Alex squeezed her shoulder a little.

“Kara...”

“You lost half of your memory, Alex. But you still trust and love me instantaneously despite not knowing who I am. How...” Kara trailed off, now knowing how to continue. There were so many questions, so many doubts in her mind and yet she can’t find the solutions anywhere.

“Sometimes, you can’t take away your natural instinct. And the first time I saw you, well the first time after I lost my memory, I just knew. I could feel it deep within me that you meant something special to me, that you’re important. And that’s... That’s not something anyone can take away at all,” Alex reasoned.

It was true. The first time she was fully consciously awake in the DEO, she couldn’t remember anyone but something about the blonde in the blue and red suit felt a little like peace, a little like love and a little like home and Alex couldn’t push away that instinct inside her. She knew she could trust Kara then, even before she could remember Kara as her sister yet.

Kara wiped away the tears that formed in her eyes. She was touched and grateful that Rao had given her a sister like Alex. She wouldn’t have known what to do if she had lost her sister forever to Cadmus.

Kara cautiously brought up the one thing that she has been meaning to ask her sister. “You’ve been having nightmares...” Kara stated carefully; she didn’t want to make her older sister uncomfortable and for her to only just pull away. Alex sighed and rested her head on Kara’s shoulder.

“I wasn’t really being subtle about it, huh,” Alex chuckled mirthlessly. Kara only shrugged and pulled her sister’s arms around her tighter; hearing Alex’s heartbeat pulsing through steadily anchored Kara.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kara suggested, turning her head to look at her sister. Alex gulped and hesitated. 

_“Maybe talking it out loud about what really happened to you to the people closest to you will help, Agent Danvers,” Dr. Roderick said whilst writing down something in her notes._

She calmed herself down before slowly nodding her head. “When Cadmus had me-” Alex paused, took another deep breath and clutched onto Kara a little tighter before continuing, “they’d put me in this simulation room,”

Kara turned her whole body to face her sister now. Her hands cupped Alex’s cheeks and she brought their foreheads together. She could feel her sister’s breathing quicken and could hear the loud irregular thump of her heartbeat.

“You’re here, Alex. You’re safe. I got you. We got you,” Kara said, keeping her sister close so she could feel her presence. Alex closed her eyes and echoed Kara’s words inside her own head. _I’m safe. They got me. I am safe._

“They put me in the room and hooked me up with countless of machines to... to confuse me, to make me hallucinate and to... to... to-” _make me kill you, make me kill every single one of you and sometimes it feels like i still have your blood in my hands and sometimes i still see the blood and the wounds that i thought i had caused on your body._

“To what, Alex?” Kara’s voice was soft, cutting through Alex’s hazy brain as the memories of those hallucinations where they made her fight her sister, made her stab and destroy her home, flooded her mind; suffocating and drowning her and pulling her down, down, _down_.

Alex choked out a sob as tears cascaded down her face. She held Kara’s hands on her cheeks tight and shook her head, trying to get rid of the images. trying, trying, trying but failing again. Another loud, broken sob escaped her lips. _i killed you, Kara. i killed you thrice and you died in my hands and i can’t un-see that. i can’t un-see the damaged they made me do to you and it blurred my reality because it felt too real and i swore i would’ve killed myself if they made me kill you another time._

“It’s okay, Alex. You don’t have to tell me. It’s okay,” Kara whispered, stroking her sister’s cheek and wiping the tears away. Her heart broke at the despair enveloping her sister. She pulled her sister into her arms and embraced her tight, embraced her full, embraced her as Alex gasped and hyperventilate and break in her arms.

“I thought I killed you, Kara,” Alex hiccuped, her body trembling and god, she can’t believe she’s still this weak, still this broken because it’s been three months and she should’ve gotten better, should’ve gotten stronger-

_“Maybe you’ve gotten better at hiding and not actually getting better,” her therapist had stated._

“They made me kill you. They made it seem like I was fighting for my life, that only one can survive and they made me kill you because they made me think you were going to kill me, that you were one of them, and I didn’t know it was you and-" Alex gulped and hiccuped and forced herself to continue, her heart a shattered piece as everything flooded her senses, " _\- I killed you, Kara. I killed you three times and it felt so real and i thought i killed you, Kara,_ ” Alex choked and spluttered and broke further, crying into her sister's arms.

“Oh Rao, Alex,” Kara remained speechless as she hugged her sister tighter and tighter because no Alex, I'm right here, that wasn’t real. I’m right her. You’re okay. We’re okay.

“I’m okay, Alex. You’re okay. We’re both okay. I got you. I’m not going to let them hurt you anymore. I’ve got you. You’re okay. I’m okay,” Kara repeated as she held her broken sister in her arms.

_She’s going to kill Lillian Luthor and every Cadmus lackey she can get her hands on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so maggie and alex had kissed before. *shock face*  
> and Alex had at least another memory that didn't happen so long ago....  
> and heart to heart danvers sisters moments because they can't keep anything from each other no matter how big or small the problem is. and because they depend too much on each other.


	4. stuck in remission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This can't be happening. This isn't real. Wake up Alex. Wake the fuck up!

When Lucy and Maggie woke up from their slumber, they were surprised they weren't in their respective apartments and were even more surprised that they were lying one top of the other on Alex's couch, in Alex apartment, with the smell of pancakes and fresh bakery wafting through the air.

"Fuck, Lucy get off me," Maggie mumbled as she spat out some hair from her face. She tried shifting around, thanking god that Alex's couch is actually pretty fucking comfortable and _god i need to get myself one of this if it means waking up with no soreness or kinks._ Maggie heard -more so felt- Lucy groaned before the director pushed herself up, but still not actually getting off. Lucy looked around the apartment, the gears in her brain shifting until she's finally aware of where she was. _Oh._

Lucy looked down at the person she was lying on and _OH..._

"uh hi?" Lucy squeaked, a little too disorientated to realize that maybe she should probably get off of the detective but Maggie with that kind of bed hair? Yeah well, forgive a girl for being awestruck and have a huge tendency to appreciate the woman's physique more than necessary.

"hi," Maggie replied, an amused smile adorning her face and _god, those dimples, though._ Maggie chuckled at Lucy's frozen state but didn't seem to mind that Lucy was staring at her for a little too long. She is kinda flattered, though, not forgetting that _Lucy is definitely a sight to wake up to._

"you're really pretty," Lucy muttered and her eyes widened as she realized what she said. A soft squeaked escaped her lips and Lucy quickly jumped off the detective and scrambled to straighten her clothes.

Maggie shook her head lovingly. Who would have thought _the_ Director Lucy Lane would be a cute adorable mess in the morning. Maggie got off the couch, turned towards the kitchen to see the Danvers Sisters happily chewing on their breakfast. She checked her clock, surprised to see that it was only six in the morning and that her shift wouldn't start until later in the afternoon. (She took the night shift so technically she still had the entire morning off.)

"There are two spare toothbrushes in the bathroom if y'all want to freshen up a little," Alex said as she gestured towards the bathroom. Lucy mumbled her thanks and dashed towards the toilet before Maggie could even register what was happening. Maggie glanced back at the eldest Danvers and couldn't help the smile on her lips as she realized Alex had made her favorite breakfast.

"Aw, geez Danvers, you're so sweet," Maggie teased as she grabbed the plate with the sesame seed bagel; dried and double toasted.

"Gross," both the Danvers sisters remarked and Maggie only rolled her eyes playfully.

"Sawyer, don't be even grosser and brush your teeth first," Lucy said, looking fresh as she headed towards the coffee machine. At the first sip of the black coffee, Lucy sighed in contentment; her brain working functionally again.

"Well, I was waiting for you to finish but okay," Maggie said before wandering off the bathroom.

"Sorry about sleeping on the couch, Danvers," Lucy said as she sat beside Alex on the dining table. Alex merely shrugged and muttered it happens before passing Lucy her own plate of blueberry pancakes and her eyes narrowed as she counted that there was only a pathetic number of two.

"Kara. Did you eat my pancakes?" Lucy deadpanned, her eyes betraying her emotions, almost as if they were throwing daggers to Kara.

"Alex made it. So it's not yours," Kara nonchalantly stated, ignoring the fact that Lucy was wishing that she had heat vision now. Lucy clenched the fork in her fist, before swiftly swooping to steal one pancake in Kara's plate and stuffing it in her mouth before Kara realized what she was doing.

"Lucy!" Kara exclaimed indignantly.

"God, you guys are a bunch of five-year-olds," Alex muttered, guarding her own plate to herself because what the heck. It's too early for this shit.

Maggie returned back to the dining table, only to find Lucy and Kara in the midst of a glaring battle before she settled down onto the seat next to Kara. She raised her eyebrows to Alex, wondering what she'd just miss during the five minutes that she was gone. Alex mouthed the words ‘five-year-olds' before getting smacked in the back of her head.

"Okay, Lucy what the fuck i know you're not a morning person but seriously calm the hell down Director," Alex chided and Lucy only smirked in response. Alex's phone buzzed and lit up, a message from Vasquez showing on the screen.

"Oh, I have to head down to DEO for another med check up for some reason. Kara, can you give me a lift? My bike's still in repair after the incident last week," Alex said before glaring pointedly at Maggie. Maggie raised her hands in surrender with her bagel still in her mouth. It wasn't her fault that there was a mugger that tried to steal Alex's bike, out of all the others, and Maggie had no choice but to physically damage Alex's baby.

"Sorry, Alex. I gotta stay at Catco. before Snapper fires me when he realizes I've been gone too often," Alex pout. She really didn't want to walk down the DEO when a lot of other people are going to be rushing from one place to another.

"I'll send ya. What time you gotta be there anyway?" Maggie jumped in.

"9 am," both Lucy and Alex replied. Alex gave Lucy a look, making her flushed a little.

"What, I'm the director i know this stuff," Alex rolled her eyes and mumbled something under her breath.

Once they were all done with breakfast, Lucy decided she was going to go home and change before heading back to the DEO.

"I should too," Maggie said, promising to pick Alex up before her appointment. Alex sighed sadly and nodded her head, hugging them both goodbye before they left; a small little pout on her lips.

"What was that?" Kara stated, amused and aware of the look on Alex's face, the i-have-a-crush-and-look-these-heart-eyes face. Alex turned around to face her sister, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"What was what?" Kara smiled knowingly, biting her bottom lip to stop herself from remarking on Alex's obvious crush on one of those two women that had just left.

"Whatever you say, Danvers," Kara mocked, imitating both Lucy and Maggie at the same time. She swiftly dodged the cushion being thrown at her, laughing heartily at her sister.

\---

"You're gonna update me or what, Doc?" Alex asked as she sat on the med bed, swinging her legs while Dr. Hamilton ran some tests on her. Alex huffed out in frustration as the doctor injected another needle in her arm, drawing a hefty amount of blood.

"I need you to enter the MRI scanner, full body," Dr. Hamilton said as she gestured for Alex to follow her to the respective room. Alex knew the procedure by heart, after attending med school before dropping her residency halfway through, and she started changing into a hospital gown, taking out her watch and belt in the process.

"Why is this necessary again?" Alex asked while she hopped onto the motorized bed, hoping she'd at least get answers as to why she's being examined again.

"There have been some complications," Dr. Hamilton stated and waited for Alex to settle down before starting the process. Alex laid still, ignoring the constant urges to move and fidget in the scanner. Alex closed her eyes, feeling her heart thumped stronger the longer she stayed in there.

_Breathe In._

_out._

_in._

_out._

Alex's brain wandered off and Alex tensed while forcing herself to stay in the present. She bit her tongue and fought to not let the past consumed her. _Breathe. in. and. out. in. and. out._

Flashes of Cadmus played in her mind. _Alex could see the doctors in white coats and white masks standing over her, could hear the machines beeping too loudly around her and could feel the tubes stuck inside her._ Alex squeezed her eyelids tighter and her fingers clenched involuntarily. Her neck twitched and the discomfort in her body increased from just uncomfortable to painful.

_"You're Cadmus now," the eerie voice of Lillian Luthor sent shivers up her spine. Alex clenched her teeth and struggled against the restraints they had on her wrists and ankles._

_"We're going to make you stronger, Alexandra. You should be grateful," Lillian continued, striding around the bed and stopping at Alex's soaking face. Alex growled and snarled at the woman while pushing herself up, trying to free herself but feeling metal pipes twist inside her instead. Alex hissed in pain, keeping in the guttural moans of agony, as the doctors held her down steady._

_Lillian stroked her cheeks, wiped off the sweats on her forehead and swept Alex's hair back. Alex flinched and Lillian pressed onto the swollen part of her face, causing a scream to escape the agent's mouth. Alex whimpered as another syringe is held in front of her. Lillian smirked, sensing the fear from the agent, before placing the serum that she'd been using on Alex for the past couple of days into the syringe._

_Her eyes begged Lillian to not do it, no matter how fruitless it was, but the searing pain from the serum would be enough to force Alex to be begging for death. Lillian smiled wickedly and she only brought the needle closer to Alex's neck._

_"This might hurt,"_

_Endless, agonizing screams echoed throughout the room as Lillian stepped out of it, disposing the needle and replacing the newly emptied serum with another filled bottle. She threw away her gloves, smirking more as excruciating sounds continuously came from the room._

_Payback's a bitch._

\---

"Alex?"

Alex jumped out of the bed, her head swirling left and right as she tried to take in her surrounding. She panted and started to hyperventilate, gasping for air as her knuckles whitened from clutching the edge of the bed a little too tight.

"Alex, you're okay. The procedure is done. You're okay," Dr. Hamilton said, hands raised in front of her as she cautiously stepped towards the distressed agent.

Alex took a deep breath, nodded her head and jumped out of the bed. She sprinted out of the room and headed towards the toilet; almost missing the toilet bowl as she starting retching, losing all her previous meals. Alex heaved as her stomach emptied. She slumped down onto the floor, trying to catch her breath and forced herself to calm down.

_It's not real. You're safe. It's not real._

Alex quickly flushed the remnants of her food in the toilet bowl before wiping her mouth clean. She stepped out of the cubicle and washed her face, pulling herself together and pushing away the memories from her head.

_You're safe. It's not real._

Her phone buzzed and Alex sighed.

<Lucy: You're needed at the med bay. Now.>

\---

By the time Alex reached the med bay, she realized she wasn't the only one there. She entered hesitantly as she eyed the two Directors, standing stoic in front of a screen. Kara and Maggie sat on the unoccupied stools, chatting about something. She cleared her throat, gaining the attention of the people in the room and one look at Lucy's face caused her stomach to drop. Dr. Hamilton appeared, a clipboard in hand, as she gauged Alex's body language.

"Agent Danvers, please sit down," Dr. Hamilton started.

Alex shook her head and took a deep breath, "It's okay, I'm fine," she persisted as she stood in front of the door frame. She felt slightly better knowing that she had secured an escape if things get too heavy.

"Your results have come in and-"

"that's fast," Alex remarked.

"Top priority," J'onn simply replied. Alex tried to read his expression but he only looked away instead. Alex felt her heart dropping. _This isn't good news._

"Make it quick, please," Alex said uncertainly, her breathing subtly becoming heavier. She could feel her heart pounding faster and _god, when will this ever stop?_

Alex held her breath as Dr. Hamilton started her report on the results.

"We have located a foreign synthetic Kryptonian DNA in yours, and while we were unsure whether it was lethal before, we know now that it isn't-" Alex backed herself into the wall, a dull, heavy sound caused everyone's eyes to snap to her. Alex breathed shakily. _No._

Dr. Hamilton continued, "it seems that your body structure has already started to become stronger and bigger, compared to an average human size. And after examining Kara's DNA and structure, your latest results are almost identical and-" _No. no. no. no. It couldn't have worked. It shouldn't have worked. It- no no no no._

Alex quivered and shook her head forcefully. Tears springing to her eyes. She couldn't hear anything else but the roaring of blood rushing through her head. _No no no no no no no!_

_This can't be happening. This isn't real. Wake up Alex. Wake the fuck up!_

Alex struggled to breathe as the same thoughts replayed in her head. _You're a Cadmus weapon now, Alexandra. Congratulations._

Her hands clutched a fistful of hair and she could feel everything inside her fall apart.

"-your powers might start forming, to what extent, we're unsure yet,"

Alex couldn't breathe, couldn't think and she did the one thing she's been wanting to do since Cadmus had her.

She ran.

She ran away from the med bay, ran away from the DEO and onto the sidewalk. She started running down the city, away from the buzzing of cars and murmuring of pedestrians. She ran until her lungs are burning and her muscles are straining and cramping from the sudden intense movement. She ran until she couldn't hear Dr. Hamilton's voice in her head or Kara's or Maggie's or Lucy's or J'onn's. She ran until her problems aren't at the frontal of her brain but somewhere in the back as all she can focus on is her breathing and is the pain that didn't come from Cadmus. She ran until she fell to her knees, somewhere in the middle of a forest and how the hell did she get there, she had no idea but she's far far far away and all she can do is scream and scream and scream until she is nothing but raw, nothing but open, nothing but an empty vessel because Cadmus had succeeded again and Alex failed, failed, failed.

_She failed at being human._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it started out in a good mood, and ended with a not so good one.... wow.
> 
> btw the slowburn is killing me lmao AHAHAHA


	5. for you I'd bleed myself dry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So let's do a checklist okay?" Winn wondered out loud.
> 
> "Super hearing, check. Super strength, check. Supervision?" Alex shook her head.
> 
> "okay, not yet. Super speed?" Another shake of the head. Alex felt herself growing smaller at the constant attention of everyone in the room.
> 
> "Flying abilities?" Alex stared at the ground, pretty sure her feet was still planted firmly on it. Alex shrugged timidly.

It felt like all the progress made -albeit it was very little- was wasted and now Alex is back to square one; of being nothing but scared and afraid and too numb to function. But still, she kept going. Because she's Alex Fucking Danvers and running away can only do so much. Alex buried herself in piles of research, tests and every experiment she can get her hands on - Director's orders be damned because _they don't understand that she needs to know-_ to understand what the fuck did Cadmus do to her. She needed to know how exactly similar her DNA is with Kara now, needs to know whether kryptonite is also her weakness, needs to know whether she can _control_ herself. All she knew was that she was slowly getting impenetrable - the number of needles breaking before they could even break her skin is without a doubt almost terrifying and a little too overwhelming. But still, she pushed through and pulled away from facing her fears, or emotions or whatever the hell her therapist accused her of.

She's merely trying to prepare herself for the oncoming storm, even if it means ignoring the things that were killing her on the inside.

\---

The first time she recognized her powers were forming was when she was merely holding an empty glass bottle, depositing it into the trash can, only for the glass to shatter -not just _break_ \- in her hands; its pieces clattered on the floor, and when she stepped onto one of the larger pieces, attempting to clean up the mess, the lack of blood caused her to spiral even more downwards.

She stopped holding any type of glass -or anything- ever since.

\---

Alex ignored Lucy and J'onn, ignored their persistent commands to go home and to not return to her lab for the next two days and at least get a good night sleep with Alex only shouting back with _at least give me some fucking kryptonite_ ; but of course, she was shut down before she could even explain it, and Lucy pulled rank on her and threatened her to go home, to be with Kara, or _anyone, Agent Danvers before I fire you._

Alex grabbed her research and grumbled under her breath before trudging out of the DEO, Kara right behind her.

And Kara made sure she held Alex as tight as she could that night as Alex broke down again- a part of her thankful that she doesn't have to hold back her strength anymore to touch her sister but she's not going to bring that up to Alex. _not yet._

\---

On the day when Maggie decided that she had enough of letting Alex destroy herself completely with the running away from her emotions thing by busying herself, she ignored Alex's pleas of _I need to know, Maggie. I need to know what they've done to me, I need to know;_ she picked the lock and quietly opened the door, only to find the agent quivering on the ground, eyes shut tight, hands cupping her ears, and the coffee table split into half.

"Alex? Are you okay?" Maggie's voice sounded deafening. Alex winced at how loud to her it was. She pressed her hands to her ears tighter, trying to drown out not only the sound of dogs barking and of car's engines or of people's murmurings and of coffee machines. A hand on her back startled Alex before the familiarity of it sunk in and Alex melted into the hand.

"Breathe into my hand, Alex. Just breathe into it," Maggie whispered while her other hand clutched one of Alex's trembling ones that were still pressed into her ears. The touch grounded Alex and kept her sane as she tried to pull herself together. Alex's body convulsed with such ferocity and it scared Maggie as she did her best to hide her panic. Maggie pulled the agent towards her, hoping it would calm Alex down.

"I got you Alex. You're okay,"

Alex shook her head and shifted her hands so they were clutching her waist instead, her fingers digging into her body and she'd sure she would bruise if she could. She resisted the urge to touch Maggie, to pull the detective towards her closer and tighter. A shaky breath left her lips and the overwhelming urge to let it all out outweighs her fear of being a burden; she had to release the thing that was exploding inside her or she'd swore that she could die with the mere force of it alone. She could feel the weight of it suffocating her, drowning her, pulling her apart at the seams and she needed to let it out- or at least let it kill her from the outside where she would have a fighting chance.

"It's all too much Maggie," her words trembled and Alex sighed in defeat. She's so sick and done of feeling this weak, this vulnerable, this disabled. She's so sick and tired of Cadmus having the upper hand on her; so sick and she just wants it to end; wants to disappear forever, wants the pain to never come back.

"I-i can't do this Maggie. I don't think I can. _I'm not strong enough, Maggie_ ," Alex leaned her head towards Maggie's chest, feeling the warmth and the steady beating of the heart. _Thump, thump, thump. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Thump. Breathe. Thump. Breathe._

Maggie wrapped her arms around Alex, clutching her like her hold alone is the reason why Alex isn't falling helplessly into the ground, like she's holding up the pieces together as Alex continued to fall apart on the inside; knowing the previous progress weren't progressed at all with Alex unknowingly pushing down her feelings and avoiding her trauma until her body can't take it anymore and now, she's tearing and tearing and tearing from the force of everything kept inside her. Maggie held her up, and held her close, ignoring the tears forming in her eyes.

"It's too much, Maggie. I c-can't. It's too much," Alex gasped as her heart clenched tightly and painfully, threatening to explode, threatening to kill her.

"Ally, breathe with me, Ally. I got you. Breathe with me. Please,"

"I got you, I got you. You're not alone. I got you,"

"It's okay. You're okay. You're not alone. I got you,"

"You're not alone, Ally. We got you," Maggie whispered for the final time, feeling Alex coming down slightly from the panic attack, and a soft sigh of relief left her lips. _God she'd pay to do anything to take Alex's hurt away._

\---

Kara came over as soon as Maggie's call ended, flying through the window at a crazy speed and scaring the shit out of the two women in Alex's apartment. Her heart broke as Alex flinched away with every step she took.

"Alex?" Another flinch, and Kara cautiously floated in the air, figuring out what was going on. She eyed the broken coffee table and her heart trembled at the petrified look that was evident in her sister's eyes.

"Too loud, Kara..." Alex muttered in her seat on the couch, hands still pressed to her ears and Maggie rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"C-can you hear that?" Alex asked as she flinched harder.

"hear what, Al?"

"th-the dog. It's barking so loud, i- i can't-" Kara strained her ears, trying to pinpoint the exact location of the dog.

Kara breathed out in sympathy as she realized that said dog was in the park, five blocks down the apartment. _Super hearing_.

"Alex, I need you to try to focus on my heart okay?" Kara whispered, knowing any decibel louder would be too loud to Alex's sensitive ears right now.

_"Can you hear that?" Alex whispered as she crawled slowly towards Kara who was cowering under the dining table._

_"Can you hear my heartbeat, Kara?" Alex continued and reached out her fingers towards her little sister._

_"Can you focus on it?" Alex said, with such softness and patience and Kara forced herself to focus on just that; on the soft and firm beat of her pulsing heart. Alex took one of Kara's fingers and starting thrumming it to the beat. Thump, thump, thump._

_"There we go, Kar. Keep following my heart,"_

_"You're doing great, Kara. Just like that,"_

_"Come back to me Kara. You're okay. You're okay,"_

"Can you hear my heart, Alex?" Kara muttered, tears forming in her eyes. Alex nodded her head hesitantly. There were still too many other sounds but she could hear Kara's heart now.

"Can you focus on it?" Alex strained her ears and tried to block out every other noise. She heard the steady beat, heard the constant repeat of the pulse. She listened until it was the only thing she heard until it became a soothing melody to her ears.

"Come back to me, Alex. You got this. You're okay," Kara muttered, before touching Alex's forearms. She peeled away her fingers from her ears and stroked her hair soothingly.

"Open your eyes, Al," Kara whispered and Alex followed.

"Better?"

Alex nodded her head, shakily breathing as her hearing turned back to normal.

"t-thank you," she whispered. And Kara hugged her, tighter than she had ever done before, even when Alex kept her hands to herself; afraid she's going to hurt her sister, hurt anyone and everything that she'll touch.

\---

"We need to talk," Maggie whispered after Alex was brought into the DEO training room, grabbing Lucy's forearm and dragging her into the hallway.

"What's up?" Lucy asked, sensing the panic in Maggie's voice. Maggie motioned her head towards Alex and exhaled softly. She crossed her arms, wrapping her fingers on her biceps to stop herself from fidgeting. Concern flashed in Maggie's eyes and her grip on herself tightened.

"I'm just worried for Alex ya know?" Lucy nodded but remained silent, spurring Maggie to continue.

"Luce, we predicted that Cadmus is going to attack soon and with Lena's help, I'm pretty sure we could be one step ahead of them this time but..."

"but?"

"what if Alex's gets caught in the crossfire?"

"She won't," Lucy stated firmly, with a touch of vulnerability and understanding in her voice. She had her doubts too but god she won't let Cadmus ever lay a finger on Alex.

"Lucy-"

"Maggie, please. We'll protect her. We'll keep her safe. You, me, Kara, J'onn, Winn, James, the entire DEO. We won't let them take her again," Lucy emphasized by squeezing Maggie's shoulders. Lucy looked into her eyes, softly and surely, trying to pass on the few shreds of hope she had in her.

"I can't lose her again, Lucy," Maggie confessed in a quiet voice, her voice cracking slight and Lucy's heart broke as she sees the vulnerability, the hidden love, the _i can't imagine my life without Alex Danvers in it._

Lucy pulled Maggie into a hug and muttered, "Me too, Mags, me too," because quite frankly, she can't imagine her life without Alex Danvers in it either.

They stayed in that position until both of them felt their fears being reassured. Maggie sighed softly, her fingers clutching onto Lucy's jacket for a moment and relaxed.

_They'll protect Alex._

\---

"So let's do a checklist okay?" Winn wondered out loud.

"Super hearing, check. Super strength, check. Supervision?" Alex shook her head.

"okay, not yet. Super speed?" Another shake of the head. Alex felt herself growing smaller at the constant attention of everyone in the room.

"Flying abilities?" Alex stared at the ground, pretty sure her feet was still planted firmly on it. Alex shrugged timidly.

"Heat-"

"Okay, Winn. That's enough," Kara voiced, stepping in front of Alex as she tried to figure out what to do.

"Why don't we start with focusing on your strength huh?' Kara questioned hesitantly. She was so out of her depth here. Alex took a shaky breath and slowly nodded her head again.

"Okay, so punch the wall," _Nailed it._

"Kara, what?" _or i guess not._

Winn spoke up while Alex silently shook her head. Her fingers instinctively clenched into a fist, her nails digging into the skin. _What the actual fuck, Kara?_

"I was kidding, we'll get to that eventually-" Kara lied, faking a laugh and sighed before looking around as to what to do next. Her eyes landed on a pile of bricks in the corner of the room, the ones she used to punch when she needed to get her anger out.

"-but for now we're just going to break some bricks okay," Alex breathed out in relief. She nodded her head and Kara handed her a concrete building block. Alex took a deep breath, grasping for the brick, only for it to be crushed into dust in her hands. Her eyes widened and Alex subconsciously took another step back, fear radiating off her body.

Winn muttered something about it being cool and started furiously taking down notes on his tablet.

"hey, it's okay. I've been there remember? We'll just have to work on it," Kara softly reassured Alex.

Kara handed her another brick, and again, the brick was reduced to dust before Alex could even hold it in her palm. Alex heaved out a breath in frustration.

"You gotta think of it like a balloon, slowly ease into the touch before you erm close your fingers, i guess,"

Alex stared up at the ceiling in defeat. It felt like she was learning basic human concepts all over again, except this time, the implications of each action weigh heavily on her shoulders. Alex closed her eyes and tried to picture the bricks as a balloon.

"You can do this, Alex," Kara assured, handing her another brick. Feeling a bit more confident, she reached for the brick and it didn't break initially. Alex spurred on, applying more pressure and trying to lift the brick but only for it to get crushed, yet again.

"Ugh fuck off," Alex groaned in frustration, throwing the remnants on the ground before pacing the room.

"C'mon, we'll try another stuff," Kara stated hesitantly. _Well, this is going to take awhile._

\---

_"What the hell is this place?" Alex whispered under her breath, her entire body becoming rigid and guarded as she glanced around the dive bar. Why the fuck did Maggie bring her here?_

_Maggie kept her hand on Alex's arm, preventing her from whipping her gun out and scaring the occupants of the room._

_"It's a safe haven; a place for off-worlders to hang out, have a drink, not feel so alone," Maggie simply said, letting go of Alex's arms once she's sure Alex isn't going to be a threat to the people here. She led Alex to a table, settling down before Darla handed them their beers._

_Alex made a remark about Roltikon and about their telepathic connections, unaware that she was rambling science to a woman she barely knew. Alex stopped herself from geeking out over it, trying to calm her inner nerd from questioning every alien in the room to satisfy her curious scientific nature._

_"How do you think she learned English? She's my ex," Alex's eyes widened at the revelation before smirking. Well, this certainly had gotten more interesting. She had her suspicions about Maggie - from the way she dressed (not that she checked her out or anything) and from the way she carried herself- but was glad to be proven right this time. Bingo._

_"I don't strictly date aliens, for the record, though," Alex just hummed in amusement. Sure you don't. She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, barely stopping herself from flirting at the wrong moment._

_"Do like them more than most humans," Maggie continued. Alex gravitated towards Maggie; something about the detective seemed to naturally pull Alex into her. She sat down on the stool in front of Maggie, pursuing her lips as she tried to read the woman in front of her._

_"Why?"_

_"I can relate to them,_ i _guess. Growing up non-white, non-straight girl in Blue Springs, Nebraska? Might as well be from Mars," Maggie started. Alex felt inclined to hear her out, suddenly all the more interested in the mysterious woman who had entered her crime scene._

 _"I was an outcast, and_ i _felt like it. Our alien neighbors, they're no different. Most of them are hard-working immigrants or refugees just trying to get by," Alex softened at that statement. Her cynical view on aliens suddenly seemed very judgmental and ignorant. Alex looked around the room, watching how every alien seemed to be just like humans, minding their own business, with harsher problems sitting on their back. Alex straightened her posture, her face a hard read as she internalized what Maggie had said._

_"They need to hide who they are in order to survive. I can sympathize with that," Maggie finished as another alien walked by them._

_Alex mulled over what Maggie had said. She knew what it's like to hide a piece of herself, and she knew how heavy that kind of secret is, but yet, she also understands that her hardship is minimal compared to the rest of the people in the room, including Maggie. Alex internally exhaled. It's still a bit foreign for her to view aliens as non-threatening but she vowed, deep down, that she was going to try._

\---

"What can i get you, Agent Danvers?" M'gann asked as Alex settled into a vacant stool. She sighed loudly before thumping her head onto the counter.

"Just a club soda please," Alex muttered from her position. She felt M'gann patting the back of her head and sighed comfortably. She knew M'gann and J'onn were close and it was endearing to feel M'gann's sort of motherly care towards her, especially since J'onn is considered her space dad. (Kara had mentioned it coolly one time, causing Alex to realize how fatherly J'onn actually is whenever he's handling her. She wondered if he was always like that ever since she joined the DEO. _Kara said yes. Alex still couldn't remember.)_

"Nothing stronger, dear?" M'gann asked again, making sure that even if Alex had wanted something strong to forget whatever she's going through, she'd limit Alex's drinking either way. Alex sighed and shook her head, glad that her actions didn't cause the counter top to break underneath her.

To be very very honest, she'd actually wanted something to drown out everything that's been happening in her life. But still, she was a scientist at heart and she was sure that if she wasn't careful, certain alcoholic beverages might be harmful to her new body, especially when some of them are from different planet. (She had the urge to try and test out that theory but knew that it wasn't the time or day for it. She's not going to add another problem to her ever-growing list if she had any say in it.)

The exhaustion of the day crept back into her and settled heavily in her bones. Alex had been training her strength all week, trying to control it as fast as she could, but it wasn't as easy as it sounded. Apparently, the continuous conscious effort of how much pressure she's using is both mentally and physically challenging. Kara had said that _it'll get easier and it'll become second nature, I promise_. Alex only replied with fuck that shit, I'm out.

So here she was, struggling to keep her body upright as M'gann placed the club soda in front of her. Alex tiredly reached for the glass but hesitated as her fingers touched the cool surface. Fuck. Alex raised her head, glaring at the glass and pouting slightly. She bit her bottom lip as she calculated the potential of the glass breaking, staring intently into the drink as if she'd had psychic powers for the glass to just move closer towards her.

M'gann sighed loudly, having accidentally heard Alex's extremely loud thoughts in her mind. She pushed the glass closer towards Alex's head, and Alex smiled gratefully as she started sipping through the straw.

"At least Martians can still read my mind," Alex muttered, comfort lacing her words.

Alex reviewed her experiments and research in her head. If her hypothesis is right, she'd would have already proven at least half of it. But yet again, time is also a variable in her ongoing experiment. She sighed, knowing she needed to wait a little bit longer before her results become fix and definitely before she can reach her conclusion.

_I'm partially human with partial Kryptonian ability._

\---

Winn was mindlessly scrolling through the computer, bored out of his mind due to the lack of activities recently when a message alert blinked rapidly on his screen.

<Unknown Sender>

Winn blinked, straightened up in his seat from his slouch position, and clicked on the mail icon.

Various documentations popped out; everything regarding from alien registry to the studies related to all kind of species on earth. Winn's eyes almost popped out of his socket as he briefly glanced through every document.

"Oh shit," he muttered. There were reports on alien weaponry and detailed blueprints on technology that Winn had never even seen before. But on top of it all, a message was attached to the document.

<Cadmus is coming.>

Winn scrambled to his feet and shouted for the Directors. Another document appeared on his screen. His mouth dropped at the heading of the report.

Category: Weapon  
Test Subject: Alexandra Danvers  
Status: Success  
[Ready To Be Deployed]

 

 


	6. every piece of you, it just fits perfectly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know, Maggie. I feel it too," Lucy whispered as she watched the turmoil of emotions flashing through Maggie's eyes.

"You're saying Cadmus can kill my sister at any given moment now?" Kara paced the room that she was summoned into. J'onn and Lucy leaned against the table, staring at the screen in front of them.

"It is stated right there," Winn pointed out, zooming in onto the document.

"Agent Schott, can you trace back to who send this?"

"I've been trying, Director, but whoever it was, he or she have some massive supercomputer that rivals the DEO,"

"Fucking hell. So what now? Brain surgery on Agent Danvers?"

"Lucy, no! That's my sister we're talking about. And besides, if Cadmus wanted to kill her, what's taking them so long?"

"Maybe there's something that didn't go as planned. Whatever it is, we have got to take precautions," Lucy muttered. Her fingers massaging her forehead in defeat.

"There's got to be a switch in her body, though. Something that allows Cadmus to connect to her and to you know use it like an on/off switch," Winn theorized.

"Are you fucking kidding me,"

"We don't know for sure if this is actually true. Agent Schott, continue to find whoever the hell send this to us. In the meantime, do not, and I mean it, do not let any of this get out to Agent Danvers. She has enough on her plate as it is. I refuse to add more to that list when this could just be a hoax,"

"Yes, sir," a chorus of affirmative replies echoed through the room. Lucy glanced over at Kara, seeing the rage and fury in her eyes. She reached out to touch her shoulder, only for Kara to jerk away.

"You should've let me ended them the first time," Kara growled and stalked out of the room.

\---

Alex's leaned against the wall of the DEO training room and gave herself some shut eye. She focused on her hearing, trying to block out the murmurs and the ticks and the little things ringing in her ears. She was slowly getting the hang of it, her previous DEO training had helped her in many ways, especially in her ability to focus and zone out background noises. It was still hard to utilize her hearing, to pinpoint where exactly a particular sound is coming from but at least being able to block them off is more than enough for now. Kara did say that it took her awhile to adjust and Alex sighed.

If Alex wasn't careful and cautious, her hearing still managed to catch her off guard and scare the shit out of her. It's one thing to hear everything, it's another when every sound is amplified a thousand times than normal. Alex exhaled softly, trying to focus her hearing on Kara's heartbeat and to locate Kara in the DEO somewhere. It grounded her, anchored her from spiraling into a panic attack or getting too lost in her head. It was soothing to hear the steady rhythm, although Kara's heartbeat tends to get jumpy from time to time.

The memories have been coming at full blast every now and then, smacking her off her feet and hitting her like a damn truck. She could almost remember everything in her past, could remember the good and the bad, and even the ugly.

_"Fear not, Martian. You will die a soldier death," General Astra said as she held up a knife to J'onn's throat. Alex watched from afar, her eyes widened at Astra's intention to kill J'onn, to kill her pseudo-father._

_No._

_Alex reacted; she didn't think on what to do. She acted and she'd bear the damn consequences for the sake of saving her family._

_No!_

_Alex ran towards the general and plunged the kryptonite sword into her back, stabbing her until it exited to the other side. She heard Astra gasped and after a moment, Alex pulled back the sword; watched as the general slumped to the ground and took her last breath._

_Alex breathed heavily, the gears in her brain finally turning and oh god, I killed Kara's aunt._

Alex shook herself from that memory. She felt her heart sinking as the implication of it weighed heavily on her. Her fears and nightmares had increased since then. _If I had already killed one Kryptonian, who says they won't make me kill another one?_

Alex felt bile rising in her throat at the idea of her killing Kara or Clark and she had to push away the memories from when she was in the simulation room. _God, what if I actually do it?_

Her hands traced the emblem burned on her chest. She didn't deserve it, didn't deserve to be branded with something that represents hope and good and kindness. She didn't deserve any of it; not after all the things that she had done, and especially not after Cadmus showing her how dishonorable she could be and of how easily she could kill someone in the name of protecting herself.

And now the powers? Alex was more than just afraid that she'd get consumed by the enormity of her possessing them. What if she was just inherently evil? inherently dangerous? inherently unable to be the person everyone thinks she is?

_What if I'm just on my way to becoming a villain?_

Alex shuddered as a cold chill ran up her spine. The mere thought of her going out of control, being horrendously violent and selfish made her sick to the core. She clutched the emblem, tears pricking in her eyes.

_She doesn't deserve it._

\---

Maggie leads Lena into the DEO conference room, where the two Directors and Supergirl, along with Vasquez was already there. They all turned towards the CEO as the door shut closed behind her.

"What's the emergency now?" Lucy asked exasperatedly as Maggie pushed Lena gently forward, her thumb playing with the thumb-drive in her hand. Lena cleared her throat as she passed the drive to Vasquez, who quickly inserted it to the computer and displaying whatever was in it onto the big screen.

"There's been activities at an abandoned warehouse that belonged to LuthorCorps in 2013. It hadn't been used ever since Lex moved to Metropolis and I have definitely not touched it since LCorps was reinvented," Lena explained as pictures of the warehouse appeared on the screen.

"Are you saying-"

"I think my mother is using it, yes," Lena clarified. Another picture indicated the activities in the warehouse, the high amount of electricity and radiation charging and emitting from the area. No amount of area would have that high of a radiation unless it's a nuclear plant. J'onn stared at the screen, his fingers flexing on his biceps.

"Are you for certain? Because this might be our one and only shot," J'onn said, eyeing the Luthor in front of him. He tried not to look into her mind, but he had to be sure. He had to be sure that she wasn't going to betray them all, wasn't setting a trap for Cadmus. But he found nothing but genuine worry and concern and he sighed internally in relief.

"I'm positive," Lena confirmed.

Maggie glanced at Lucy, a glint of worry in her eyes. Lucy subconsciously placed her palm on top of Maggie's hand and squeezed slightly.

"Then, initiate planning phase 1,"

\---

Alex checked the data analysis on her laptop. She stared at the statistics on her strength; the figures and the numbers on the screen helped her nerves ease as she practiced on controlling her body. It's been two weeks of her practicing now -either with Kara or alone- and she's starting to regain her control. She'd figured out how much pressure to use on everyday items, and with the help of both Maggie and Lucy, she's also in the midst of figuring out how to touch someone without breaking them.

_"C'mon, let's go grab some milkshake," Maggie said excitedly as she grabbed onto Alex's hand and then onto Lucy's after Alex successfully did not break any object for three days straight._

_Alex stared down at Maggie's fingers, her own fingers trembling because she may have gotten the hang of holding objects but she hadn't tried holding a human being. Her eyes widened as she realized if she wasn't careful she could as well break Maggie's right hand- the hand she used for literally everything._

_Lucy seemed to pick up on Alex's hesitation and followed her sight. She sighed softly, understanding graced her features and she took Alex's other hand. Alex's eyes only seemed to widened further because no no no no i can barely focus on one hand now there's another? no nonono._

_"Hey, it's okay. You should try you know, just squeeze our hands and we'll tell you," Lucy whispered in her ear, but loud enough for Maggie to catch upon. Maggie smiled softly and nodded in agreement._

_Alex sighed and bit her bottom lip. Okay. She can do this. Lucy's right. She needs to be able to interact with people that aren't superheroes and have super strength too (that may be one of the reasons why she only let Kara near her nowadays.)_

_"You must tell me, okay?" Alex muttered, in which the other two only nodded in response. Alex breathed in and slightly closed her fingers around their hands._

_"Too tight," Lucy gritted out and Alex immediately released them._

_"No, no try again," Maggie reassured. And Alex did as asked. (She realized how easy it is for her to trust the faith the two women had in her and god, she hated the butterflies in her stomach now.)_

_"There we go. That's nice Danvers," Maggie said and Alex's face broke into a grin._

_Maybe it's not that hard after all._

Alex moved back towards the car that was used as her makeshift punching bag, courtesy of Kara. Alex gave it a punch, the blow being absorbed by the car and the power of it being calculated by the machine that was used for Kara's training a while back; a machine she had created for Kara then. Alex jumped around on her toes, the muscle memory kicking in as she started her forms. Punch, punch, jab, block, repeat.

The sound of metals clunking and bending to her blow was somewhat soothing in her ears. She was too focused on her exercise that she missed the new heartbeat in the room.

"oh fuck me up, Danvers,"

Lucy checked Alex out appreciatively from the back, her tongue sticking to her top lip; even in those tights and compression shirt, Alex's figure is fucking to die for and made her mouth a little dry. Alex stopped abruptly and turned her head towards the Director.

Both pairs of eyes widened in shock as Alex realized what Lucy had said and Lucy realized that Alex had heard her thanks to the super hearing. A moment of awkward silence simmered in the air before Alex decided to break it.

"um well, i won't tell Maggie you said that?" Alex questioned, her ears now filled with Lucy's familiar heartbeat and _oh it spiked._

"Wait, why would you even tell Maggie?"

"Uh because I don't think your girlfriend might appreciate the fact that you're checking out other girls, especially when said girl is close to the both of you,"

"Wait, what?" Lucy's forehead creasing up, baffled.

"I think Maggie might be the low-key jealous type, the way she always looks at you," Alex said nonchalantly, unaware of Lucy's surprise and shock at the sudden revelation.

"what?" Lucy's voice raised a little at the end, sounding a bit too confused and too panicky as she tried to understand where Alex was coming from. Alex looked up as Lucy's heart rate was faster than before, scaring Alex a little. Alex tilted her head, questions swimming in her brain.

"She's not my girlfriend," Lucy mumbled, her eyebrows scrunching up as she stared at the floor, playing with her fingers. _What the hell, Danvers?_

"Wait, you're not? But the touches and the glances and how you guys naturally melt into each other? You're not?" Lucy looked up and she thought hard about it. _No, she had feelings for Alex but Maggie? wait wait hold up..._

"Lucy, are you okay?" Alex asked as Lucy's heart only beat louder, overwhelming her ears and Alex felt like she had said something wrong.

"Uh, i got to go uh somewhere. yeah. I'll see you uh later, right? movie night? yea?" the words rushed out of Lucy's mouth as she starts backpedaling towards the door.

"uh yea, i guess. Lucy are you sure you're o-" but Lucy was long gone before Alex could finish her sentence.

_What the fuck was that?_

\---

"Oh shit! Alex watch out!" Kara shouted as she accidentally threw a metal block her way. Alex's eyes widened as the block flew towards her an insane speed. Alex ran to the side and found her legs moving too fast for her to catch up and crashing into the opposite wall.

"Ow fuck,"

"HOLY SHIT ALEX!"

Alex got out of the dent in the wall, rubbing her head and frowning. She stared at her sister who was jumping wildly, barely containing in her excitement.

"Super speed?" Alex muttered before laughing in disbelief.

"Super speed," Kara grinned.

"Race you around National City?" Alex challenged, wiggling her eyebrows as she jumped on her tip toes, adrenaline rushing through her veins.

"Oh you're on. Loser pay for the next sister's night dinner!" Kara shouted, flying past Alex and out of the DEO door.

"That's cheating!"

but Alex was already on her tail as they sped through the streets of National City.

\---

Lucy walked into the precinct at the same time as when Maggie was just about to leave. Maggie looked up, her eyes squinting as she watched her friend scanned the room.

"Lucy? Aren't we supposed to meet at Alex's?" Maggie asked while walking towards the Director. Lucy grabbed her by the forearm and Maggie was barely able to grab her jacket before they were storming towards the parking lot, towards Maggie's bike.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?" Maggie asked softly as Lucy finally lets go of her and she could see the panic, terror, the helplessness in Lucy's eyes, despite the cool exterior. Maggie softened but remain awkwardly still.

Lucy became alarmed at the look Maggie was giving her and she started pacing. She wrings her hands together and before she could stop herself, she did the one thing she thought of last of doing.

Lucy pulled Maggie by her jacket, planting her lips firm and strong and yet so so soft and gentle, catching Maggie off guard but Maggie didn't pull away immediately. She stayed in the moment, her mind blanked before her body responded without conscious control. Their lips start moving in sync, start deepening the kiss and Maggie could feel her heart thumped louder and louder in her ear.

They pulled away and thoughts started racing back into Maggie's mind. _fuck fuck fuck what? fuck._

"Lucy i- uh i can't i-" _I like you but I like Alex too and this isn't well, i mean i don't know??_

"i know," Lucy breathed out. Their chest moving slowly and heavily as they remained in each other's space, staring into each other's eyes. Lucy moved in again, caressing Maggie's cheeks with her thumb and Maggie meets her halfway, hands holding tight onto Lucy's.

"but I-" Maggie tried to say as they pulled away again; trying to make sense of what's happening. _Because she loves Alex. She loves Alex and she wants to be with Alex but god this feels right too and everything feels fit and true and god but she wants to be with Alex too._

_"I know, Maggie. I feel it too,"_ Lucy whispered as she watched the turmoil of emotions flashing through Maggie's eyes.

Maggie searched through Lucy's eyes, finding nothing but tenderness and care and understanding and that's when it all clicked. Because despite them working around each other, connected through their love for one woman, they had intertwined their souls and their love with each other. And it clicked because Maggie's been meshing the feelings down -feelings for the director who understood her as well as Alex did; who figured out how to work with her as partners in the field, who entered her life, creating a home in her heart unintentionally; initially because of the love they had for one Alex Danvers. Maggie didn't know when it actually started; when her stomach started producing butterflies whenever Lucy's around too, or when her heart warmed at the thought of all three of them together, but she knew she's been ignoring it because it's hard enough loving one woman and willing to die for said woman, it's a whole other impossible loving someone just as reckless, just as stubborn and yet so so loyal without her heart dropping every time something bad happened to them.

It was all too intense because Maggie had _feared_ when Lucy went out on DEO missions and coming back with bruises and Maggie remembered all those times that she wanted to touch the bruises or the wounds, wanted to hold her hand through every pain and shower her with nothing but care.

So Maggie had brushed it off, pretending they're just _friendly_ feelings. That she was just taking care of the person Alex loves so it wouldn't cause her best friend any worry. _But god, she did it as much for herself as for Alex._

"We erm we should talk to Alex, yeah?" Maggie concluded. Because if she read it right, god, if they read it right, everything would be okay. Everything would fall into place.

Lucy smiled softly at her, gazing-dare she says- lovingly into Maggie and Maggie felt herself drowning in the emotions pouring out of the director. She felt a lump in her throat, a little fear sounding in the back of her mind that all of this could crash and burn and it would leave her open and raw and too too broken if it doesn't work out; if it doesn't turn out the way they're imagining it to be.

"hey, hey. We'll talk to Alex and we'll work it out, yeah?" Lucy reassured and something about the calmness of her voice, or maybe the confidence, eases away the fear. Maybe, maybe this might work.

\---

Alex reached home a lot later than expected. She entered her apartment, leaving it unlock for Lucy and Maggie to come by any minute now. Her body ached as she placed down her bag and helmet on the table by the door and dragged her feet to her kitchen. Her fingers mindlessly flipped on the light switch before she took out a juice from the fridge.

"Alex," Alex started, jumping a little, as she turned around, dropping the carton box in her hand. She clutched her heart from the sudden shock before looking up. Her hands trembled as she saw who it was.

"D-dad?" Alex stuttered, hands up in caution as she stepped around the kitchen island. _Her dad was dead, but then he was alive, and Cadmus was supposed to have him. That's what Kara had said. She couldn't remember anything else. Nothing else about the past, nothing about the present and fuck what the hell is she supposed to do now?_

"It's good to see you, slugger," Jeremiah smiled, watching his eldest daughter stumbled forward, her jaw dropping to the floor at the sight of her father. He opened his arms, waiting for his daughter to gave him a hug, only for it to be rebuffed.

Alex shook her head. _This isn't real._

"It's me, Alex," Jeremiah tried.

"How did you get in here?" Alex asked warily, keeping her distance as Jeremiah tried to move in closer.

"You left the door unlock," Jeremiah's once welcoming stance shifted into something sinister. Alex gulped, seeing the vicious look on her father's face. Before she could react, Alex ‘s ears picked up on three other unfamiliar heartbeats, before three men dressed in black crashed into her windows.

_Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit._

The three intruders quickly tried to hold Alex in place, oblivious to Alex's newfound strength before Alex quickly released herself from their grasp with a burst of power. She punched the nearest guy in the face, didn't withhold much strength and sent the guy flying across her apartment. (Great, she's going to have a hard time cleaning the shit up with all the mess they're creating.)

"It worked," Jeremiah beamed, laughing menacingly as Alex defended herself against the other two men. She quickly put them down, unable to control her strength and possibly damaging them a little too much than her liking. _Fuck it, desperate times comes for desperate measures._

Jeremiah walked up to Alex, raising his hands up in surrender only for Alex to punch him. He blocked her attack with his right hand and Alex's eyes widened as he absorbed the blow, not even moving.

"I'm here to help, Alex," Alex snarled as he grabbed her by her throat with an absurd amount of strength, raising her off the ground as she struggled to breathe.

Her mind flashes in recognition of that familiar sentence.

"Y-you were there," Alex coughed out and Jeremiah tightened his grip on her. She tried to kick him, only meeting with air instead.

"Your powers are unstable, Alexandra. Cadmus wants to help," Jeremiah only stated. Alex's mind fogged from the lack of oxygen reaching her brain. She gasped for air, tried to pry her father's fingers off of her but not strong enough to do so. Her visions started getting blurry and Alex could see black spots everywhere.

"Put her down," She heard Lucy hissed. Alex turned to see Lucy having her gun drawn out and Maggie stood with the same position beside her. Jeremiah smiled cunningly before dropping Alex mercilessly to the ground. Alex landed onto the floor with a loud cracking noise following after. _Fuck._ She looked up fearfully, watching her father - _he's supposed to be her father, her father, her father. fuck why can't she remember?_ \- raised his hands up and started backing up. Lucy and Maggie followed his movement with their guns, ready to shoot if he moved any closer to them.

"I can tell you don't remember much about me, Alex. But when you do, you realized I have done nothing but protect you, nothing but the best for you. When you remember, you'd realize how you should have trusted me,"

Lucy cocked the gun, her fingers pressing slightly on the trigger before Jeremiah jumped out of the broken windows.

Maggie dropped to her knees beside Alex, checking Alex for any injuries while Lucy dialed the DEO.

"You okay?" Alex nodded her head, as she surveyed the room, mentally cataloging the injuries the other 3 men would have, wondering if they were even still alive.

Fuck.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0_0*
> 
> Please leave comments down below! :)


	7. till all of the tricks don't work anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, they're all losing it.

Alex pulled on her sleeves, her fingers playing with the loose threads as she stared at the pictures in front of her. She had grabbed a photo album before temporarily moving to Maggie's apartment to sleep the night off.

_"My bedroom has a door and so does the guest room, Lane. Yours is just as bad as Danvers," Maggie pointed out, raising her eyebrow in a challenge._

_"I could just stay with Kara, guys, it's no big deal,"_

_"And risk the chance of Cadmus capturing the both of you in one shot? Yeah, no. Chez Sawyer, it is," Lucy said, grabbing a duffle bag and forcing Alex to pack her essentials. Alex sighed and rubbed her forehead. Why can't she ever have a break?_

"Can't sleep, Danvers?" Maggie asked as she entered the guest room. Alex merely shrugged before staring back at the photos. Her fingers traced one of the family pictures, dated back to when she was sixteen. It was complete, everyone was happy but yet, she couldn't seem to bring to the surface any memories of the man in the picture, a man who was supposed to be her father.

"Lucy called, said the DEO had finished fishing out evidence. Kara and her are flying by later to check up on you," Maggie said, sitting on the edge of the bed, careful not to mess up the pictures scattered on it. She studied the different photographs, most of them consisted of only Alex and Kara and there was a handful of them with Eliza. Alex held the few pictures of her and Jeremiah.

"I can't remember him, Maggie. I remember most of everything, I think. But I can't remember him. It doesn't feel right," Alex muttered, throwing the pictures in her hands back onto the bed before slumping down to her pillows. Maggie gathered the pictures, placing them onto the bedside table, and nudged Alex to give her some space. Alex relented and shift and Maggie lied beside the agent.

Maggie couldn't find the words to soothe Alex, so she ended up running her hand through Alex's hair. Alex hummed gratefully but before she could enjoy it, her mind raced back to the previous incident.

"I killed them, didn't I? I couldn't control my strength yet, I killed them?" Alex choked out, a lump blocking her throat but she remained void of many other emotions.

"It wasn't your fault," Maggie whispered, her other hand snaking around Alex's waist as Alex shifted so that she was facing Maggie.

"It wasn't your fault," she repeated.

Alex nodded her head, trying to let herself believe Maggie's words. She leaned forward, till her forehead pressed onto Maggie's. Alex looked intently into her eyes and heard Maggie gasped slightly. Alex's heart throbbed painfully in her chest and her eyes dropped to Maggie's lips. They were mere inches away from each other and it took every ounce of strength in her to pull back, to turn away until she was facing the other direction, until the need to kiss the woman beside her would fade. (It didn't.)

Maggie rested her head on Alex's back, pressing her ears to hear Alex's heart beating erratically.

"Your heart's pounding fast, Danvers," A beat of silence and Maggie wondered if Alex had fallen asleep as her body remained limp and her breathing steady.

"you do that to me," Alex muttered, voiced heavy with exhaustion, catching Maggie off guard.

"you and lucy," Alex continued and Maggie was pretty certain that Alex was in the midst of falling asleep with the lack of filter in her words. Maggie sighed softly and snuggled closer to Alex's back. She wished they had talked sooner and now it seems like it wasn't the right time.

"Sleep, Danvers. We'll protect you,"

\---

Alex woke up with the rays of the sun shining irritatingly bright on her face. She grumbled and forced herself out of bed, only to find herself not in her apartment. _Right_. She rubbed her eyes and checked her phone. It was almost considerably lunch time and Alex wondered why Maggie didn't wake her.

Alex got ready for the day and headed towards the kitchen to get something to satisfy her grumbling stomach, only to find Maggie's kitchen to be filled with vegan ingredients. _Not today, Satan, not today._ Alex fished out her phone from her pocket and messaged her sister.

<Me: Lunch?>  
<Lil Sis: Sure>  
<Lil Sis: Mind if Lena joins us?>  
<Me: It's about damn time I meet her anyways>

_Time to meet the woman Kara can't stop banging on about._

\---

"Maggie! That's enough!"

Maggie ignored her. She wasn't her boss, she can't stop her as she beat the living shit out of the ex-Cadmus lackey in front of her. Fuck that. She should have joined her instead.

"Maggie, I mean it," Lucy said, grabbing a hold of Maggie's arms but Maggie was having none of it. This has been dragging on for too long and they should've stopped it; should've ended it before it got this far.

"Fuck off, Luce," Maggie hissed, pushing Lucy away from her before picking the guy up by his shirt and slamming him into the wall.

The man, however, remained quiet except for the constant whimpers and groans as he took Maggie's blow, one after the other. Maggie became even more furious- could feel the anger rising and rising inside her, eating her alive the longer the man remained silent. Maggie gritted her teeth, whipped her gun out and aimed towards the guy.

"Maggie!" Lucy exclaimed before disarming Maggie in one swift move. The gun was knocked out of the detective's hands and Lucy dragged her outside the prison cell. Maggie remained still, her breathing heavy as tried to quench the anger down. _Fuck. She was so close._

"C'mon, let's get you clean up," Lucy muttered, carefully tending Maggie's bruised knuckles and gently intertwining the fingers, pulling her towards the med bay. _Fuck, they're all losing it._

\---

Lena waited at the restaurant, fidgeting and playing with her fingers as she waited for the two Danvers sisters to come by. Lena had tried to decline Kara's invite for lunch when she heard that Alex was going to be there too; she didn't want to intrude on their sister time anyway. (Perhaps, she was also slightly nervous to actually meet the Alex Danvers that Kara thought highly of and that her evil mother just had to kidnap.)

She wondered what Alex thought of her now especially since she is a Luthor. Would she be welcoming towards her? Though, Lena wouldn't be surprised if she isn't because if the roles were reversed, she would've been wary too. Lena had heard bits and pieces of what her mother had done to Kara's sister, when Kara had unintentionally broken down in her arms a couple of time, and she was sure that there would be some hidden judgment. _No one is a saint after all._

"Lena!" the familiar amicable voice broke Lena out of her thoughts. Lena waved at the reporter heading her way and smiled. Kara went straight in for a hug which Lena quietly appreciated and relaxed into. She watched as another woman stood beside them, her gaze strong and yet affable, causing Lena to be dumbfounded. Everyone would usually look at her distastefully during first meetings, but the woman showed no disgust or distrust -yet, Lena reminded herself- just cautious and maybe a little awkward.

"Lena, this is my sister, Alex. Alex, Lena," Kara introduced them both to each other. The woman reached out her hand and Lena gladly shook it.

"I've heard a lot about you," Alex stated.

"All good things I hope,"

"Of course. Kara doesn't know how to stop gushing about how intelligent you are-" Kara blushed as she watched the interaction, relief flushing through her as her sister seemed to take a liking towards the CEO.

"-and I'll admit that I have been reading about your successes ever since you started helping out with the DEO. You are one impressive woman," Alex complimented. Lena's mouth gaped open. She pursed her lips, trying to see if Alex was just flattering her but only seeing genuine and sincerity in her eyes. Lena's face heated up, not used to getting a compliment without a hidden agenda beneath it.

"Thank you. Shall we?" Lena asked as she gestured towards to the restaurant. The Danvers sisters nodded their head and they piled into the restaurant, quickly settling into an empty table by the window.

They wasted no time in ordering their food and making small talks with Kara being the one who talks the most while the other two listen. It wasn't until Kara had asked about Lena's latest project when Alex showed an, even more, interest. Lena halfheartedly talked about what her company was in the process of creating a partnership with NCPD Science Division.

"Wait, so you're working with Maggie, right?" Alex spoke up and her eyes twinkled in curiosity. Lena nodded her head and proceed to explain the upgrade she wanted to do on the armory of the police department especially since they're dealing with aliens on a pathetic government budget that gives little to no protection.

Alex and Lena started bonding over the science and the technology; Alex giving her input every now and then whilst voicing out how impressed she is at Lena's genius idea. (Her words, not Lena's.) Lena couldn't help but felt her heart soar as another scientist appreciates her work and also challenged a few of her calculations. Lena wondered if she would ever have the opportunity to work with Alex, it would be a shame to not work with such a bright mind that could keep up with her too.

"You guys honestly lost me like awhile back, so I'm going to the bathroom while the two of you continue nerding out with each other," Kara teased, excusing herself out of the table and headed to the bathroom. The conversation lulled for a moment before Alex turned her attention back to the Luthor.

"Spit it out, Luthor. There's something on your mind and I want to know what it is," Alex said, non-condescendingly.

"Why are you so kind?" and with that, the mood between them dulled. Alex straightened herself, eyes kept on her food while she played with it. Lena huffed out a small shaky breath. _Maybe she shouldn't have brought it up_. Alex seemed to be lost in thought for a moment and Lena could just see how exhausted the woman is. _She really shouldn't have brought it up._

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"

"A lot of bad things have happened to me, Lena," Alex whispered. Lena felt her chest tightened and she expected the worse to come from the older Danvers; it would be a deep loss if Alex turned out to dislike her.

"A lot of them happened because of your mother," Lena catches her breath. _This is it._

"But I happened to be a strong believer that everyone holds their own merits; that they have the right to prove themselves, to be who they are.

"What your mother did to me, that wasn't your fault. And you have done so many things to help us, to help Kara," Lena watched as Alex gaze lovingly towards the bathroom, watched as the woman in front of her exhaled in defeat, in exhaustion, before that gaze turned towards her. Their eyes locked and Alex continued.

"You are not evil just because your last name is a Luthor," Alex's voice was low and Lena found herself drowning in the sadness and the pain in her eyes, found herself believing and suffocating with the acceptance in her voice because it took her months to convince even the average person, but only an hour to be accepted by someone who was directly targeted by her evil mother.

"Just like how I am not good just because my last name is a Danvers," Alex whispered. Lena stared, confounded, but utterly in awe of the honesty reeking out of the older Danvers; amaze at how wise she is, how incredibly aware she is. Lena remained speechless and the atmosphere felt a little off balance before Kara arrived back at the table. The intensity in the air dissipates as Kara started where she left off.

"Kara, I got to head to the DEO," Alex announced after briefly checking her phone.

"now?" Kara pouted as she stared at her unfinished food.

"You can finish your food with Lena over here, and you can definitely finish my food," Alex playfully teased.

"It was nice meeting you, Lena," Alex nodded solemnly. Lena returned the gesture as Alex placed a few bills on the table. She was gone before Lena could even say anything else.

\---

"Come on, Agent Danvers. Control your power," J'onn gritted out as he dodged away from the flying piece of wood. Alex huffed out in frustration. She steadied herself and tried another punch.

The wooden dummy didn't go flying this time, though it still cracked and fell to the floor. Technically, it was a progress after the stupidly amount of dummies that had broken with just one punch.

"That's enough for the day," J'onn said as he got called into the command center. Alex nodded her head but stayed in the training room nonetheless. She picked up the broken wood pieces and started cleaning the area up, stopping herself from using her speed just cause. (She's surprised she mastered her speed faster -the pun though- than her strength. At least the wood don't turn into ashes and dust in her hands anymore. )

"Rough day?" Alex turned to see Lucy leaning against the door, arms folded around her loosely. Alex shrugged and continued cleaning the area.

"Who else knows about that emblem on your chest there, Danvers?" Alex snapped her head towards Lucy. _seriously, what the fuck why can't anyone give her a break?_

"No one other than you, Lane. It better be kept that way," Alex warned, not in the mood to be civil with anyone. She was almost done with the cleaning when Lucy spoke up again.

"You got to tell Kara. She's outta find out, but you gotta be the one to tell-,"

"And then what, Lucy?!" Alex blew up, raising her voice and Lucy could see the anger simmering inside her. Lucy stood steadily, unaffected by the sudden rage directing towards her, and only waited in anticipation for Alex to let it all out.

except Alex sees the emotions present in her eyes- the need to start a fight, to feel something, the need for someone to just shout at her so that the misplaced anger would have somewhere to go so it wouldn't be sitting idly in her and Alex noticed, and Alex calmed.

"Luce? What's wrong?" And Lucy was caught off guard because _no, she was supposed to be angry so why is she being soft now? What the hell? Why can't she be angry?_

"Nothing, Danvers. I'm just saying-"

"Lucille." Lucy cringed as Alex mentioned her full actual name, "I know you. What's on your mind?" Alex abandoned what she was doing and reached out to Lucy, pulling her towards the raised platform in the middle of the training room, and sitting down on it, patting the space beside her for Lucy. Lucy sighed defeatedly before flopping beside her, their knees touching and Lucy leaning forwards towards Alex's body.

Lucy felt her inside twists and churn. She shouldn't be feeling this way- this helpless, this hopeless- especially not when Alex is having worse. She shouldn't because she needed to be in the right mindset to help Alex, to end Cadmus, to save the people she loves because god forbade she lose anyone.

The silence carried on and Alex could feel all the emotions rolling off of Lucy's body as she stared at the ground, almost as if she wants to give up, as if she couldn't handle another bad news, another dead end. And Alex felt her heart clenched at the sight.

"Lucy, hey look at me," Alex whispered, tilting Lucy's chin up with her index finger. Lucy remained pliant as she stared into Alex's eyes; filled with nothing but calmness and faith and trust that Lucy wished she had. Tears welled up in her eyes and Lucy breathed shakily.

"You're not alone, Lucy. Whatever you're going through, we're going through it together yeah?"

"b-but-"

Alex shook her head, stopping Lucy from doubting herself, from hating herself, from falling into the pit of self-loathing.

"I know it feels like nothing's going our way, or everything's just a one big massive failure, but you, Director Lucy Lane, you are not a failure. You hear me? You're doing everything you can and that's enough. I don't care if it takes longer to end Cadmus, but right here, right now? You're doing your best and that's enough," Alex said firmly, leaving no room for Lucy to debate or to hesitate. Lucy nodded her head, blinking away the tears in her eyes as she fell into Alex's embrace.

"I can't lose you, Alex. You hear me? I won't let them take you away from us," Lucy whispered softly.

Alex pulled away but kept close as she stared into Lucy's eyes, her heart melting at the statement. _God, what did she do to deserve this?_ Her stare shifted down to Lucy's lips and Alex licked her own intuitively.

Lucy's heart pounded loudly in her chest at the close proximity, at the intense look Alex was giving her, at the openness of it all. Lucy felt herself leaning closer towards Alex, her lips merely inches from her. Lucy's lips slightly parted as she breathed heavily. Her lips quivered and the intensity of the anticipation was making her breathless.

"Lucy, I-" but Alex was interrupted by the sudden opening of the door. She jumped and pulled back before Lucy could realize what was happening. Alex turned away, pretending to keep herself busy as Maggie stood by the door. Alex's ears picked up on the two heartbeats, both of them confusingly fast and Alex quickly tried to excuse herself out of the room.

_She nearly fucks up her best friends' relationship. Fuck._

\---

"Hey, I got your text," Kara said as she flew in through the window and into her apartment. Alex was already situated on her couch, blanket wrapped around her with the tv playing softly.

"what's wrong?" Kara asked as she watched Alex swallowed down an entire piece of doughnut.

"why do you assume something's wrong?" Alex asked indignantly, as she picked up another doughnut and started munching on it. Kara's eyes narrowed and she mentally counted how many donuts there are left in the box. _Three. How dare she not leave me some?_

"You don't usually eat sugary food in the middle of the day," Alex stared at the doughnut in hand before sighing in defeat.

"I've just been thinking a lot," Alex confessed. Kara flopped down beside Alex, pulling the blanket to her lap as she reached out for the next doughnut. Alex quickly slapped her hand away and Kara's eyes widened because _ouch that's actually painful._

"Get your own," Alex muttered with her mouth full as she gestured towards the box on the kitchen counter. Kara used her super speed before settling down beside Alex again, a happy smile gracing her lips. Alex rolled her eyes at her little sister.

"You know, the one thing good about my super strength and all is that I could finally rival you. And it would be fair fight so I wouldn't feel too bad about defeating my sister,"

"Excuse you? Hello, I can defeat you, definitely,"

"I taught you how to fight, so technically..."

"yeah, well, pfft," Kara spluttered and Alex smiled in triumph. A moment of comfortable silence fell and Kara felt her sister leaned against her shoulder. She placed an arm around her, and pulled her in tighter, relishing in the liberty of using her strength.

"that's not what's bothering you," Kara softly said.

"i-i erm-" Alex cleared her throat awkwardly, "- I wanted to tell you something about-something about me,"

Kara softened at that. She twirled Alex's hair around her finger, before letting them go and watching them fall gracefully above Alex's shoulder.

"Well, I... erm... i mean lately, i've been thinking and like I, well I think I do. No no I'm pretty certain i do, I erm..." Alex blurted out. Kara raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Alex, whatever it is you can tell me," Kara said, her voice full of support and uncertainty mixed together. Her mind flashed back to the time Alex first came out to her- the same rambling and spluttering noises coming from her usually composed sister.

"I erm I think I might have some feelings for both Lucy and Maggie," _Ripped off the bloody band-aid, why don't ya._ Alex stopped breathing as Kara didn't reply immediately.

"y-yeah. I know it's weird and I know it's not normal but it just feels right you know," Alex muttered, dusting her hands before her fingers started playing with the blanket. Alex was still leaning on Kara, refusing to move to turn and face her sister; afraid that she'd see a judgment in her face.

"I-i erm i don't get it. Is it because they're both hot and like i mean-"

"This isn't because I just like them for their body, Kara,"

"No, i don't mean that. Alex, I... I'm just trying to understand, okay? trying to make sense of what you just said," Kara replied shakily. She knew she was treading on thin ice here and she was afraid the wrong words might cause Alex to pull away.

"You know, I'm up all night thinking about this," Alex said, her voice guarded and a little too hard than it was previously.

"And if i'm being honest? It- it makes me feel whole, Kara. Like I could lo-like them both equally as hard, but for different reasons,"

"but you have dated monogamously. So what's different about this?" Kara tried again, trying to show her sister that she supported her, that she would support her in whatever, but the confusion outweighs it and Alex gulped.

"Yeah, I've dated other girls before. And I was content then because I never met two people at the same time that just gets me, that evoked these feelings at the same time. So i was content and happy and satisfied. But-but now there's Maggie and Lucy and like. I don't know. My heart just expanded. Suddenly, those two, and only those two, can fit in the extra space. That it was created just for them," Alex tried to explain, growling out in exasperation as words failed her.

Kara breathed in shakily. She still couldn't understand what Alex was feeling but seeing Alex's troubled face, her crinkle between her forehead evident as Alex thought hard about it, Kara didn't want to worsen Alex's inner turmoil.

"Okay. I don't fully comprehend. But okay,"

"You're okay with it? You're not like disappointed or something?" Alex spoke in a timid voice.

"Alex, no. I'll never be disappointed in you, okay?" Alex breathed out in relief. Her heart that felt constricted before now free and opened and she could breathe a little. A relief smile broke out on her face as she turned towards her sister. Kara opened her arms up for Alex and Alex readily entered her embrace.

"Was that all you wanted to tell me?" Kara whispered, her hands playing with Alex's hair again, knowing that her sister always calmed down when she does that.

Alex thought of the emblem marked on her chest; felt the burning sensation tingling on her skin and she opened her mouth, only to shut it close again.

"Yeah," she lied.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter isn't that bad. I've rewritten the different scenes over and over again, just to get it to be satisfied and this is the one out of all the many others? I'll admit that this story is by far the most taxing i've ever done before and sometimes it takes a lot out of me too haha. Hope y'all enjoy it! Do leave comments too!


	8. cause i'm sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "T-team Alpha.... Do... You.. Copy?" static started sounding in the comm, making it impossible to hear whatever was being said on the other line. Lucy's ear was ringing and she had to take off the comm, before realizing that there was blood seeping out of her ear. Her eyes widened in shock and turned around to assess her team and realizing that they were all in a similar condition as her.

"Team Alpha, how do you read?" Director J'onn's voice boomed in the comm.

"Reading you a five, over," Director Lane replied, echoed by the agents under her lead, including Maggie, who was solidly backing Lucy as they stationed in front of the warehouse. Lucy gestured towards the double metal doors, and her team quickly surrounded it. Lucy pressed the comm in her ear.

"HQ, this is team leader alpha. Team alpha is in position, waiting for your command sir, over,"

"Wait Two, over," J'onn replied. Lucy held her breath, calmed her heart and shoot a glance towards Maggie. She raised her eyebrows at her, her eyes asking the question in her head without having the need to talk. Maggie nodded her head. _I'm more than ready for this shit._

"Team alpha, this is HQ. Inside the warehouse, consist of three levels, in which there are 6 guards on the first two level according to the heat signature," Agent Danvers' voice on the line startled the two of them before they schooled their features and cocked their gun. Lucy readjusted the helmet on her head and steadily held her gun.

"Roger so far,"

"Proceed with caution and minimize enemy's visual on you. When you enter, the first door on your right will lead you to a stairwell. Get to basement 1 and report back to us for further instructions, over," Alex's commander voice send a wave of calmness towards the two women. Lucy took a deep breath and straightened herself.

"Roger, Wilco, over and out," Lucy replied. Lucy raised her fingers and countdown from three, before kicking the door open and entering the warehouse. Immediately, they were greeted by two other doors and no other entry or exit. Lucy eyed the area carefully before two guards appeared from the door on the left. Detective Sawyer immediately disarmed one of the guards, smashing her elbow into the guard's head, strong enough till he was knocked unconscious without making any other sound. Director Lane aimed her rifle towards the other guard, shooting his knees while another agent covered his mouth from the back and choked him till the guard passed out from the lack of oxygen. Lucy nodded her head towards her team before heading towards the other door.

"Sawyer, you're front with me. Wilson and Fredrick take the back," the agents nodded her head and Detective Sawyer swiftly took Lucy's side. They entered the door cautiously, guns held up. It was a narrow stairwell and they quickly descended it until they met with another guard on the next level down. It was the detective who shoots first, and Lucy still couldn't help but be impressed with the accuracy of the shot.

"Nice shot, detective," Lucy muttered, a smirk appearing her lips as she stepped over the guard.

"Well, thank you, director," Maggie replied with a tinge of playful mockery. Lucy rolled her eyes and they continued on until they reached Basement 1.

"Team Alpha's in position in Basement 1, over," Lucy said into her comm.

"Roger that. Standby five," Alex replied, her voice filled with doubt.

"Is it just me or does this feel a little too easy?" Lucy heard Alex muttered in the comm. Lucy was about to reply her agreement - a quick look towards Maggie confirmed her belief that the three women had felt the same uneasiness in their gut instinct- before hearing Supergirl's voice on the line.

"J'onn and I are in the position above, ready to engage upon command."

Lucy heard the other teams affirming their positions before the comm cackle in her ear, followed by a loud piercing screech, causing her to wince and fall over, clutching her ear. _What the hell?_

"T-team Alpha.... Do... You.. Copy?" static started sounding in the comm, making it impossible to hear whatever was being said on the other line. Lucy's ear was ringing and she had to take off the comm, before realizing that there was blood seeping out of her ear. Her eyes widened in shock and turned around to assess her team and realizing that they were all in a similar condition as her.

"I repeat, team alpha, do you copy?" _Fuck._ A wave of nausea started to overwhelm her and Lucy felt her body swaying. It wasn't long till she was seeing double of everything and it felt like the entire area was shaking along with her. _What the fuck?_

Lucy looked over at Maggie who was pointing up to the ceiling before she bends over to her knees, clutching her brain and almost face planting the floor. Lucy immediately fell towards her, trying to hold both of them up as the world around them began to swirl. Lucy tilted her head up, trying to see what Maggie was pointing at only to see green fog wafting through the air. _oh, fuck._

_"Team Alpha down,"_ Lucy glanced up to who the heck was talking and saw three Lillian Luthor standing in front of her. She saw the woman pressed a button and her head started to pound like crazy, a searing pain suddenly stabbing her brain. Lucy clenched her teeth, snarling at the woman standing above her. Lillian pressed her heel onto Lucy's right calf, digging the sharp heel harder and deeper until a resonating crack was heard. Lucy hissed in pain, biting her lips to stop herself from allowing Lillian the satisfactory of hearing her in pain.

_"If you want your dearest agents back, hand over Agent Danvers,"_

A shiver ran up Lucy's spine at the blackmail. _No. no. no. no._ Lucy tried to swing her arms towards Lillian, only to produce the weakest attempt she'd ever done. Her head felt like it was splitting further at every movement. A still hand from Maggie indicated that if she tried another move, the pain would only increase to be unbearable.

_"Oh, and we got your Martian and Kryptonian too, Agent Danvers. Hand over yourself and we might show mercy,"_ was the last thing Lucy heard before she passed out from the pain alone.

\---

Back at the DEO HQ, the sound of metal breaking startled everyone after hearing Lillian's voice on the comm. Everyone turned around to look at Agent Danvers, her hand clutching a piece of the metal table and her jaw clenched tight. No one moved for a moment, and Alex harshly dropped the piece in her hand.

"All other units fall back. I repeat all other units fall back," Alex hissed out before passing the comm to Vasquez. She turned on her heels and started walking away from the command center.

"Where are you going?" Vasquez shouted before they rushed over to Alex, stopping her from walking any further.

"Turning myself in," Alex said through gritted teeth. Her knuckles were white from clenching too hard and a vein was popping out of the agent's neck.

"You can't do that, Agent Danvers,"

"I am not letting Cadmus touch my family," Alex gritted out before shoving her way out of the DEO.

"You don't know what they're going to do with you! Or if Cadmus is even going to let them go!" Vasquez shouted.

Alex stopped in her track. God, she just wanted to punch the shit out of Cadmus but Vasquez was right. She can't risk it all. Can't endanger more people _but if Cadmus did to them what they did to her-_

A cold chill spread all over her and Alex entire body paled. She won't let Cadmus touch her family. _She won't let anyone else suffer the way she has._

"There's no other choice Vasquez. I'm going-"

"Wait! I can help," Alex's head snapped towards the foreign voice. Lena Luthor was standing there, Winn beside her as he quickly shoved a tablet into Alex's hands. Alex stared down at the information in the tablet, her eyebrows quirking in confusion.

"A member of team Delta was soaked with the fog. She's quarantined now but we can counteract the poison," Winn started as he showed Alex the analysis of the green fog.

"We don't know what else they have planned and quite frankly, we don't have much time either," Alex insisted. She knew what Cadmus was capable of and god, if Cadmus touch them, Alex will make them _pay._

"Lena and I can come up with something while you and Vasquez regroup and create another plan, or use our backup plan or whatever," Winn begged. Alex turned her attention towards Lena, watched as she held her stance and stared directly into Alex's eyes. It was all the confirmation she needed.

"You have an hour. I trust you," Alex relented, nodding towards Lena, before trudging back towards the command center. _An hour to create the most important plan in all their lives._

\---

"This is Agent Danvers, contacting Lillian Luthor, over," A paused, before she continued, "I'll turn myself in, only, and I mean only if you let my people go,"

Kara's ears strained as she tried to listen in on the comm that Lillian was holding. She struggled against the kryptonite restraints on her as she heard Alex's voice on the line.

"Don't listen to her, Lillian. You want me. You have me. You leave her out of this," Kara shouted as she pushed herself towards the bars that separated her from the woman she wanted to rip in pieces. Lillian bellowed out a laugh as she crouched in front of Kara's cell. Kara flinched away as the woman tried to touch her.

"I don't want you. Not this time. I just want back my dearest Alexandra," Kara let out a curling scream as she tried to wring her hands free of the kryptonite cuff on her hands and her legs.

"Very well, Agent Danvers. I'll make you a deal then," Lillian taunted, walking away from Kara and ignoring Kara's threats.

"No. Here's the deal; you're going to release them at the specific locations while I meet you at another,"

"How do I know this isn't a trap, Agent Danvers?"

"You don't. Either way, you don't have enough men to cover two areas,"

"You underestimate my supporters, dear," Alex clenched her teeth. She just needed to let her team get to those that were taken. _Whatever happens to her is a sacrifice she's willing to make._

"Or how about this. You and your team of merry men come by the warehouse that you foolishly tried to trespass and once your people are handed over. I'll take you in," Lillian countered. Alex slammed the table.

"And that could be a trap for me,"

"You're really in no place to bark out demands over here, Danvers,"

Kara slammed into the bars of her cell, praying that Alex wouldn't do this, that Alex wouldn't turn herself in. _I can't lose my sister again._

"Lillian please, you got me. You got a Kryptonian. Take me instead,"

"There's something else about your sister that is worth investing in. And besides, don't all nemesis provides some challenge?" Lillian said smugly. Kara howled in outrage. She slammed her body towards the bar again. The cell shook and rattled but didn't give way for anything else.

"I'll be there, Lillian. You don't hurt them and I'll make this transaction an easy one. You hear me?" Alex's voice cut through the comm. Kara's eyes teared up as she heard her sister's deal. _no no no no no._

"Whatever you say, Agent Danvers. I'm giving you 30 mins or they're better off dead,"

\---

Alex stood in front of the warehouse, hands up in surrender as she waited for her agents to be transferred to her team on standby.

"Do not engage, unless they do. You hear me?" Alex shouted.

The door of the warehouse opened, and her agents were shoved roughly to the ground. Alex breathed out in relief as she watched all of them move slightly from the sudden push. _At least they're still alive_. Lucy looked up first, seeing Alex standing in front of her and momentarily forgot the state she was in.

"Hey, you okay?" Alex asked sweetly, kneeling down to the Director and stroking her face. Lucy winced as Alex's fingers trailed softly over a bruise. Alex glanced Lucy's body, sensing that she lost too much blood and was on the verge of passing out.

"Sorry," Alex muttered, smiling reassuringly as Lucy tried to grasp onto her while the other agents helped Lucy up. Maggie stirred up not a moment later. Her brain registering faster than the rest as she examined the scene.

"Alex, what's going on?" Maggie mumbled as Vasquez pulled her up and dragged her softly towards the med van.

"Give them a med evac and bring them back to the DEO," Alex commanded. Her agents complied towards her orders, even when their heart was sinking at the prospect that the plan wouldn't work.

"Hey hey hey wait let me go. Alex, what's going on? Alex! Alex!" Maggie struggled against the agents but she wasn't strong enough to break out of their grip. Alex tuned out Maggie's pleas and begs as the van drove off. The tightening in her chest loosened a little. _They'll be safe._

"Where's Supergirl and J'onn?" Alex's voice boomed as Lillian stepped out of the warehouse. She remained steady and unwavering as guns were aimed at her.

"You see, I thought about it. And I haven't had my hands on those two aliens before. So now that I have the three of you, it'd be like some twisted family reunion still, wouldn't it,"

Alex stomped towards the evil Luthor, her hand clutched onto the lapels of her lab coat and she raised the woman above the ground. Lillian, to her credit, didn't show any sign of fear.

"You listen to me, you son of a bitch. You let them go and you take me," Lillian smirked at the threat.

"how about you let me go and I won't have my men in there kill them," Alex faltered. Her eyes suddenly filled with dread and worry. Alex distastefully placed her down and stepped back.

"Now, won't you complete your end of the deal?" Alex nodded solemnly, staring at the ground. The comm in her ear cackle and Lena's voice filled her.

"The bombs are set, Alex. Once you're ready, you immediately signal to us with the word,"

Alex huffed out a breath as she followed Lillian to the warehouse. She kept her eyes locked on any exits that she could find, mentally creating an escape plan. She just needs to find J'onn and Supergirl, and then they'll be fine.

"Enjoy your short family reunion," Lillian snarked as she pushed Alex into a vacant room, no Kara or J'onn. Alex immediately turned around as the door locked; fury enveloping her body as she pounded the walls.

"Take me to Supergirl you little shit. You fucking assholes! I'll kill you. Every single one of you. I'll kill you!" Alex shouted, her hands beginning to sore. The walls were surprisingly strong, not wavering under her blows. Alex growled in frustration. _Plan C._

"Kryptonite," Alex whispered harshly.

"Wait, you're near one of-"

"I said, Kryptonite!" Alex hissed. Without a second later, explosions resonated throughout the building. Alex covered her head, stumbling against the sudden quake as she fell to the ground. The bomb exploded, one by one, all from different areas. Alex held her breath as she waited for one of the walls to collapse in. _This better work._

\---

The agents that were recovered were slowly getting out of their haze, their visions clearing up as they were injected but the antidote Lena had created in the back of the DEO van. Lucy hissed in pain as one of the field doctors wrapped up her broken shin.

"We need to get in," Maggie stated; the first one to get up without faltering and she quickly retrieved a gun from another agent.

"We can't ma'am," Vasquez stated, stopping Maggie from storming into the warehouse.

"To hell with that. I don't care what Agent Danvers orders are because I am not leaving without her," Maggie hissed, trying to release herself from the grip Vasquez had on her.

Lucy jumped to her feet, much to the protest of the doctor as she approached Vasquez, pulling a gun out of another agent's holster much to everyone's dismay. Lucy walked steadily despite the pain shooting in her leg. Maggie quickly supported her, not one to chastise the woman for they unanimously agreed to the unspoken plan in their minds. _They're not leaving without their family._

Vasquez sighed but nodded their head. They pulled out the communication devices and passed it to the two determined women.

"Wait for the signal and then we enter," Vasquez explained to them, going on about the plan. Before she was even finished, the warehouse started to explode.

"Fuck," Vasquez cursed.

"That's not the plan is it," Lucy commented dryly as they geared up to get ready to enter. _Fuck her injured leg._

"All units to follow plan C. I repeat, all units to follow Plan C," Vasquez commanded in her comm.

"The hell is plan C?"

"Get in and get out with our heroes as fast as you could. Engaged when attacked. Shoot to kill," Vasquez hurriedly gritted out as they took the lead of their team. Maggie and Lucy joined them and they entered the falling warehouse without hesitation.

\---

Alex jumped over a rubble and escaped from her room. The bombs were exploding consecutively and Alex felt pride swelling in her chest at the efficiency and stealthiness of her team. She blocked the collapsing ceiling, punch holes through other walls as she tried to tune into Kara's heartbeat.

_Found it._

Alex wasted no time in following her hearing to where her little sister was. She needed to get there before Kara got severely injured, knowing there would be kryptonite in her room.

Alex listened harder on Kara's heartbeat. She was near.

Alex turned into a room, finding her sister alone, fighting off five Cadmus lackey without a problem.

"Kara!" Alex shouted in relief as she helped her sister fight off the remaining guards. They took them down without breaking a sweat. Kara pulled her sister into her arms, hugging her tight until Alex could feel her bones cracking a little.

"I thought you gave yourself in," Kara whispered, burying her head in Alex's neck. Alex huffed out a breath, soothingly rubbed Kara's back before pulling away.

"Part of the plan. How did you-"

"The walls fell onto my hand, breaking the kryptonite cuffs they had on me, and the kryptonite power system thingy," Kara explained, showing her bruised hands. Alex gasped but Kara waved her off.

"The sunlight also helped with the healing," Kara teased as she pointed towards the sun rays entering the room.

"Wait. Hold up. Where's J'onn?" Alex asked warily. Suddenly realizing that J'onn was nowhere near Kara.

"J'onn? He's not here. They took him to another room," Alex faltered. Her eyes widened as she realized what was going on.

"Fuck Kara, come on. We don't have much time before more bombs explode,"

Kara nodded as she surveyed the area, using her x-ray vision to get look through the different hallways.

"C'mon, I think we can find him," Kara muttered, flying past the smashed hallway, dragging Alex along with her.

\---

"On three," Vasquez commanded as their team approached another door.

Maggie moved towards the agent's side, guns up and ready to shoot at anyone. They had successfully fought off a couple of guards and yet, they still had no sight of Kara or Alex or J'onn. The building was crumbling at a fast rate and if they weren't fast enough, all of them would get buried underneath it. When the countdown hit one, Maggie pushed through the metal door, immediately shooting various doctors and guards as accurately as she could.

"J'onn," Maggie heard Lucy hissed out and she turned to see the director limping towards J'onn's martian form. He was hooked up to various wires and machines and the other agents quickly helped to dismantle them. _One out of three._ Lucy fired off shots at more guards as they tried to enter the room.

J'onn woke up almost immediately after the last tube was taken out of him. He jumped out of the bed and flew menacingly above them; eyes glowing red, ready to attack. He studied the agents in front of him, terrified but in surrender before recognition seeped in and he unceremoniously falls to the ground.

"Where's Kara?" J'onn coughed up, leaning against Vasquez heavily.

"Not sure but we gotta get out of here before-"

The ceiling came apart, falling onto the team.

\---

"Alex, the roof!" Kara shouted as she flew towards the falling ceiling. Alex's heart stopped for a moment as she heard Maggie's and Lucy's distinct heartbeat coming from the room that was going to cave in on itself.

_No. no. no. no._

Alex ran as fast as she could, bursting into a sprint, forcing her legs to push through the burning sensation in her body. She could feel every part of her vibrating from the sudden speed and in a blink of an eye, she reached the room just as fast as Kara tried to save the ceiling.

_Thank god for super speed._

Alex looked around, seeing the sudden shock on everyone's faces before she stopped them from questioning what just happened. It was all a flash of a blur as she grabbed every agent in the room and dropping them off somewhere safe before Kara's arms gave way to exhaustion. Kara flew down and grabbed J'onn as Alex carried Maggie out of the destruction.

"Fuck. Alex... Super speed?" Maggie asked, breathless as her heart beat out of her chest from the sudden adrenaline. _God bless. They all need heart surgery after this._

"All units evacuate the area," Vasquez said into the comm. Alex watched as Lucy hobbled forward, clutching an injured arm, and sighed angrily.

"I told you to bring them back to the DEO," Alex hissed out as she stopped Lucy from walking and started carrying her bridal-style. Lucy shrieked in surprised but clung onto Alex either way.

"Kara, can you find us an exit?"

Kara used her x-ray vision and located an open stairwell that was still intact to the building. They just need to get up and out.

"Straight ahead. and then head up. and we'll be out by following the hallway,"

"You go first, with J'onn. He needs medical care asap," Alex commented, sensing J'onn weakened state. Kara nodded her head and sped by the group.

"We gotta hurry," Alex said, starting to jog whilst carrying Lucy.

"Behind you," Lucy whizzed out and Alex twirled around.

Alex passed Lucy off to one of the agents and placed her body between her people and Lillian.

"Go!" Alex commanded, pushing the agents forward.

"I'm not leaving you, Al,"

"Maggie, please,"

Maggie gestured for the other agents to move on as she stood by Alex. She tried to hold Alex back, but Alex had used her super speed to attack Lillian before Maggie even lift her finger. From the corner of her eyes, Maggie noticed Jeremiah coming out of the shadows.

"Did you really think I didn't have a fail-proof plan for you?" Lillian snide, pulling out a remote from deep within her jacket.

_"Brain-washing and a button to kill Alex, that's Cadmus plan all along. But their plan got interrupted before they could completely brainwash Alex," Lucy said once Winn found out who had given them their intel - a woman named Oracle; a friend of Maggie from back in Gotham which Maggie had to seek help from._

_"Why didn't you tell us about her before?" Lucy had asked her._

_"I didn't want to bring any hopes up in case she can't find anything,"_

"Say your goodbyes, Agent Danvers,"

Maggie quickly snapped out of her thoughts as Lillian raised the remote in front of Alex, who doesn't know, doesn't understand the power of the single button on the remote. She aimed her gun towards Lillian's shoulder; prayed to whatever god there is that Lena wouldn't hate her for this.

Maggie pulled the trigger. The bullet flew by, missing Alex by a few inches but hitting directly onto Lillian's shoulder. Alex stood shock still. Her body frozen as she watched Lillian screamed in agony whilst still being in her grip. Alex let loose her hold on Lillian and let her fall to the ground.

"Alex," Maggie's voice was strained and Alex turned to see her father _-no not her father-_ strangling the detective; Jeremiah's back towards her. Without hesitating, Alex picked up a metal pipe on the floor, and swing it till it hit Jeremiah's head _-her father, no not her father-_ and watched as he stumbled. Jeremiah grunted out in pain, releasing his grip on Maggie and Alex quickly grabbed her, before speeding out of the warehouse.

_Safe and Alive. That's all that matters right now._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you like this chapter! 
> 
> I just wanted to say how deeply thankful I am for all the sweet comments you guys have left for me and it really spurred me on to write and finish this story. However, I'm afraid that with my school starting soon, I won't be able to update as often that I will try to write and finish the story before that. There are so many scenes I want to write but some may not fit in this particular story to keep it going. So, until the next time!


	9. every little thing she does is magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life's too short and we should kiss the girls we want to the kiss.

They were silent on their ride back to the DEO. Their uniforms stained with blood, no one leaving the Cadmus warehouse unscathed. Alex sat between Maggie and Lucy, her sister already at the DEO after sending the severely injured to headquarters, including J'onn. Alex swallowed, clutching Lucy's and Maggie's hand as tight as she could without hurting them. Maggie sighed softly, laying her head on Alex's shoulder while Lucy curled into her other side. (Lucy refused to let Kara flew her back to the DEO- _It's just a broken leg and a bruised arm. Nothing major_ \- as she had pushed forward towards Alex and Maggie, falling into their three-way embrace. Kara had shaken her head with a soft smile on her lips as she watched her sister gripped onto the two women for her dear life.)

Alex stared at Maggie and Lucy as she tried to calm her heart by listening to theirs. _Safe. They're safe and alive. They're here_.

Alex shifted her arms until they were wrapping both women and pulling them close towards her.

_Her family was safe. That's enough. That should be enough. The war isn't over but this is enough, for now._

Her heart pounded as three words remained stuck at the tip of her tongue. The intensity of her emotions comes crashing into her in waves and Alex held her tears back. She nearly lost them but they're here now, they're here now and they're all going to be okay. Alex closed her eyes and tried to anchor herself in their warmth.

_I love you. i love you. i love you._

\---

They got checked up by the doctor and checked out of the DEO with three days of leave given by J'onn who was resting in the med bay, M'gann accompanying him.

" _Give me a break and accept the leave I've given the three of you- yes you too Maggie, I've talked to your captain and I know you banged up your knee pretty hard," J'onn had begged._

_"but sir-"_

_"No, Lucy. Cadmus is damaged pretty well, we'll have time to recover before their next attack,"_

_" and Alex," he paused. "It wasn't your fault," he whispered, seemingly reading her mind. Alex tightened her lips and merely shrugged before giving him a kiss on the forehead._

_"Rest well, father," Alex muttered, softly so that it was only the two of them that heard it._

Alex walked by the DEO command center and saw Kara rushing towards Lena as if there was no one else in the room. A smile formed on her lips as Kara pulled the Luthor towards her, kissing the woman like there was no tomorrow.

"Yas, little Danvers!" Maggie whooped. Alex shook her head playfully.

"You owe me fifty, Vasquez" Lucy shouted across the area where Vasquez was, only being returned with a finger shown her way.

"You bet on my sister?" Alex asked incredulously as she stirred the two women away from watching the intimate moment.

"I bet your sister was going to make the first move," Lucy slurred, the medication drugs taking its effect on the director and Alex smirked.

"I'll drive the two of you home. Let's go," Alex muttered, guiding them towards the car.

Alex strapped Lucy into the passenger seat whilst Maggie stood beside her, ready to assist if Lucy decided not to be cooperative. She was about to shut the door when Lucy pulled her in by her shirt, smacking her lips against Alex without warning.

Alex's eyes widened, her brain short-circuited but she melted into the kiss, responding and allowing their lips to move in sync. It was soft and gentle and a little bit firm but it was nice. _Fuck who was she kidding, it was more than just nice._ Lucy pulled her close to deepen the kiss but Alex stopped her.

Alex's eyes traveled towards Maggie, who was watching quietly, and she started to panic. Alex opened her mouth but no words escaped her lips. Maggie saw the signs of Alex about to spiral into a mess and decided to stop her before she does.

"Danvers, come here," Alex pliantly moved towards Maggie, her mouth still gaping open. Her lips glistened and were a little swollen from Lucy's kiss.

Maggie couldn't resist pulling her into a kiss of her own; almost as gentle, as fragile as Lucy's, but different at the same time. Alex closed her eyes, trying to ground herself but all she could feel was that she was floating high up in her head. They pulled away and Alex almost couldn't feel her heart anymore.

"Can we just stay at my place, all three of us?" Maggie whispered, loud enough for Lucy to hear. Lucy mumbled her agreement and Alex nodded. Her eyes were filled with love and adoration as her gaze continuously shifts between Maggie and Lucy. Her lips quivered and she didn't resist the urge to touch Maggie's hair, stroking her curls while her other hand found Lucy's cheek.

iloveyou. iloveyou. iloveyou.

\---

"Lucy, what the fuck are you doing?"

Lucy startled at the sudden voice, yelping as she tried to enter the bathroom quietly, not wanting to wake the other two women in the bed. (Yes, they all slept in the bed, with their clothes on, _shockingly._ )

"I needed to pee?"

"Doc said for you to not to go anywhere unattended, geez woman, you could've woken me," Alex muttered grumpily, pulling off the cover and supporting Lucy as they crossed the threshold of the bathroom door.

"Call out, when you're done," Alex said sleepily; her eyes ever so shutting from exhaustion and Lucy couldn't help thinking how beautiful she looked under the soft fluorescent light.

"I can feel your gaze _and_ hear your heart racing. Keep it in your pants, Lane,"

"In your dreams, Danvers,"

"In my dreams, my fingers are in your pants,"

"jesus,"

"hmm you'd scream that too,"

"fuck off Danvers and let me pee in peace," Lucy muttered, her face heating up, hearing Alex laughing as the agent shut the door. Lucy shook her head light-heartedly, warmth spreading through her inside and the butterflies in her stomach becoming a somewhat pleasant feeling.

\---

"Shit that smells good," Alex muttered, slowly leaving the bathroom and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She followed her senses, ending up in the kitchen and smiling softly as she watched Maggie moving around seamlessly, cooking whatever it is she was.

Alex tiptoed towards the detective, snaking her arms around Maggie's waist and burying her head in the crook of Maggie's neck. Maggie jumped at the unexpected touch, before melting and relaxing into Alex's long arms.

"That smells nice," Alex muttered, swaying their bodies a little, a smile tugging on her lips. Maggie hummed in contentment as she turned off the stove and turned around in Alex's arms, intertwining her fingers behind Alex's neck. She gave Alex a small peck but Alex pulled her in further as she tried to pull away.

"I could get used to waking up to this," They turned their head towards Lucy. Alex reaching out to her.

"Let me brush my teeth first, then I'll join," Lucy said.

"Need help?" Alex asked.

"Nope. I can walk thank you very much," Alex rolled her eyes at her stubbornness.

Maggie trailed her fingers up and down Alex's arms to soothe the uneasiness of watching Lucy walked on an injured leg.

"She's strong," Maggie said as she pulled Alex's hands away from her waist and guided her to the dining table. Maggie set the plate of breakfast onto the table and goes around to grab the pots of tea and coffee. She was about to sit on her own chair when Alex pulled her into her lap.

"Geez, Danvers. I didn't peg you as clingy," Maggie teased but started caressing Alex's face nonetheless.

"Yeah, well after yesterday..."

"hey no. Don't go there. We're all here. You, me, Luce, Kara, J'onn and your agents. We're all here and alive," Maggie said softly, tilting Alex's chin up with her finger.

"We're safe," Maggie repeated, leaning in to give Alex another kiss.

Alex sigh before nodding her head and Maggie smiled reassuringly before smacking her shoulder lightly.

"Let's eat!"

The two of them started digging in the same time as Lucy came out of the bathroom, giving Alex and Maggie a peck on the lips, before settling down.

"So what's the plan for the day?" Lucy asked with her mouth full.

"teaching you not to talk with your mouth full apparently," Maggie commented, ignoring how Lucy stuck her tongue out towards the detective.

"Can we just Netflix and chill?" Alex piped in.

"Netflix and Chill, huh Danvers?"Alex blushed at the implications of Maggie's words.

"oh shut up, not like that,"

"I recalled last night you were talking about-"

"Yeah well, I would but both of you are pretty injured so no," Alex rebutted Lucy's remark.

"Yeah, Lane. Doctor's orders. _No strenuous activities until further notice_ ," Maggie mimicked. Lucy rolled her eyes and stood up to get her mug.

"fuck!" Lucy groaned as pain shot through her leg.

"See what i mean?" Alex muttered as she went to grab Lucy's mug from the drawer in the kitchen. Maggie chuckled softly as Lucy glared at the two of them.

"you guys suck,"

\---

_"Kara, this isn't you," Alex said in panic as she placed down the fire extinguisher on the ground, trying to stop Kara from doing something she'll regret._

_"I am more me that I've ever been," Kara replied, followed by a sinister laugh and Alex felt herself internally wince at the evilness of it all._

_"Listen, please. You've been exposed to red kryptonite and it-its altered your brain and you're not seeing clearly," her heart was beating fast. Alex was scared; scared that she's not going to be able to help her sister, to stop her, to protect her from doing something that might kill who she really is. Alex didn't have a cure but Kara- not being Kara right now? it's worse than she could have imagined._

_"Oh I see clearly," Kara hissed. Alex gulped as she sees the fierce and guarded look in her sister's eyes. her sister, her sister, her sister._

_"I see how you've always been jealous of me," Alex tried to tune out the insecurities playing in the back of her head, tune out her regrets of her teenage years, those thoughts that manifested inside her and only kept at bay with a strong effort. Alex gritted her teeth. This isn't Kara. This is the red kryptonite talking. Alex took a deep breath and controlled her emotions. This isn't Kara._

_"Kara, listen to yourself-"_

_"Oh, cut the big sister act, Alex. We have never been sisters. We don't share blood," Alex could feel her heart cracked. This isn't Kara. Alex's lower lip trembles as she tried to keep herself together, tried to steel her eyes and pretend like the words don't affect her. They were sisters. They were family and that's the only truth to it all. So why does it feel like Kara's right this time? Why does it feel like she hadn't done enough to make Kara see that they are family? Why does it feel like Kara never saw her as one?_

_"And you wanna know the sad truth is? Without me, you are nothing," Alex looked away, unwilling to stare into her sister's eyes that shed nothing but the firm truth. No, it's not true, it's not true. it's not true._

_"Deep down, you hate me inside," It's not true, it's not true, it's not true. But what if Kara's right? What if everything they've built has burnt to ashes? What if-_

"Alex! Alex! Wake up!" Alex woke with a start, sitting straight up on the couch, from which she has fallen asleep on. Her body was coated with sweat and god, her heart is beating faster than she could catch up on.

"Hey, hey, you're okay," Maggie whispered, taking hold of Alex's trembling hands. Alex breathed shakily as she felt another hand rubbing soothingly on her back.

"You're okay, sweetheart, you're okay," And Alex tried to cling onto Maggie's words while she anchored herself with the touch of the two women. She felt Lucy's hand swiped off the hair stuck to her forehead and start peppering kisses all over her neck, effectively calming Alex down.

_Just a dream. Just a dream._

\---

In any other circumstances, Alex would have found it mind-blowing how easy the three of them seem to fit without even trying so hard; how they maneuver around each other as if they've been living with each other for a long time. (unless you'd count the number of times the three of them stayed over at at least one person's house every week _just cause_.) It was almost domestic-like and Alex could never fully comprehend why they took so long to get there or why it takes for all of them to nearly die to get their shits together.

_Life's too short and we should kiss the girls we want to the kiss._

Alex had decided to go grocery shopping whilst her girls _-her girls?-_ relaxed at Maggie's apartment and recovered from their injuries. She still needs to talk to Lucy about not heading to danger when she's injured, but she knew it would only be like the pot calling the kettle black. She knows it's going to bite her in the ass, knowing she'd do the same if someone she loves is in danger and it's no use trying to stop an unstoppable force. _God, that's why she loves them so much._

Alex quickly gathered the shopping bags in her hands and headed back up Maggie's apartment - they should've just stayed at Alex's because _the bed was much bigger thank you very much_ but Maggie's was nearer to both the DEO and the NCPD precinct and frankly, Alex found herself unable to deny her anything.

Alex pushed the door open, after realizing that the two women left the door unlocked, only to find said women making out on the couch. _Oh._

Alex didn't mean to stare but shit, she's only human (or partially anyway) and anyone with eyes would tend to watch so fuck, she's not going to deny how hot it is (or how her heart feels as if it's melting). Maggie and Lucy were both lost in their own world, hands roaming each other and Alex swallowed at the sight. _Fuck._ She had the urge to touch them, to let her own fingers explore their bodies, to place kisses on their skin and god, she's never felt this turned on just by watching. Alex carefully placed the grocery bags on the counter, trying to be as quiet as possible as she moved around the couch to get a better view.

Maggie's hands were underneath Lucy's shirt and Alex moaned when Maggie started kissing down Lucy's neck and Lucy pants heavily, eyes closed and her face showing total bliss. Alex could feel her throat going dry and couldn't stop herself as she strode towards the two women on the couch, tugging Maggie gently by the hair and kissed her passionately, kissed her senselessly, and kissed her desperately. Maggie moaned as she bit on the detective's bottom lip while pulling away; Lucy groaning as she admired the view from beneath Maggie.

"Fuck," Alex smirked as she leaned towards Lucy, kissing her as hard and as desperate as she did Maggie; their teeth clashing and their nose brushing each other's cheeks. A soft whimper escaped Lucy's lips as Maggie attached her mouth back to her neck, grazing her teeth lightly on the skin. Lucy's hip buckled as Maggie shifted lower, kissing her neckline whilst Alex started kissing her jawline.

"Fuck, if y'all don't stop I'm expecting you to go all the way," Lucy hissed as Alex nipped on the spot below her earlobe. Maggie chuckled softly as she peeled herself away from Lucy's body, sitting up and off of Lucy. Lucy whined at the loss of contact but sighed softly again as Alex gave her another peck on the lips.

"Gotta start on dinner," Maggie teased before she was pulled back by the arm by Lucy and into a deep kiss.

"Nope, I'm making dinner so sit down," Alex muttered, gently patting Lucy's uninjured leg before heading to the kitchen. Maggie and Lucy finally pulled away, leaning onto each other as they recovered from the kiss and watched as Alex swayed her hips a little too much than necessary into the kitchen.

"Y'all are going to drive me nuts," Lucy muttered, causing Maggie to giggle as she buried her face in the detective's necks.

"Ditto, Lane,"

\---

_"dad! Dad! Look!" fifteen-year-old Alex shouted as she pushed through the crowd and into her father's hug. Alex showcased the gold medal around her neck to her father and he beamed proudly at her._

_"Did you see my last goal?" Alex asked excitedly, jumping up and down uncharacteristically happy, which only caused Jeremiah's smile to widen._

_"Of course, kid. I'm proud of you," Alex couldn't tear of the grin on her face even if she tried._

_"Alex!" Kara's voice emerged from the crowd. Alex turned to see her sister bulldozing her way through and slamming into her. Alex let out a small oof before hugging her sister as tight as she could. Her mother smiled at her softly, taking a stand beside her father._

_"That last goal Alex! That was so cool!" Kara exclaimed. Alex let out a chuckle and the overwhelming sense of happiness had never felt so good._

_"hey, I gotta say some words to my team. I'll meet you at the carpark in awhile?" Alex asked. The Danvers family nodded their head and Alex sprinted back to her soccer team. Pride swelled in her heart as she watched her team celebrate their victory. Alex turned back and saw her father staring at her with pride in his eyes too. The feeling of happiness and relief only multiplied._

_"I'm proud of you, kid,"_

\---

"Should we talk? About us...?" Alex asked as she twirled the pen in her hand, unable to look up towards the two women sitting on the couch in front of her. Alex sat on the floor, chewing her bottom lip, as she pretended to be reading the report in front of her. Maggie and Lucy eyed each other before shifting their gaze towards Alex.

"What about us?" Maggie prompted, sitting straight up whilst leaning herself to the right arm of the couch. Alex sighed, sucking in her left cheek as she tried to string her thoughts together.

"I mean like I know you guys like each other so erm I don't know. I just assumed you guys were together before and like I- I don't know if I'm like here because you know..." Alex gestured to the air, her hands flying around as she poorly conveyed her thoughts that were nagging her brain.

Deep down, Alex was terrified because this? liking two girls at once thing? it was new for her- even when it feels normal and right. And she was terrified because she likes them, a lot, she likes them and she wants to be with them. But what if they don't? What if it's supposed to be a one-time threesome thing and then they wouldn't speak of it again. Alex couldn't bear that thought; couldn't bear being just an extra something. (She knows Maggie and Lucy aren't like that but does it stop the irrational part of her brain? nooo.)

"Alex, come here," Maggie whispered soothingly as she patted the empty seat on the couch between her and Lucy. Alex hesitated, uncertainty and fear in her eyes as her heart threatened to break apart _if they don't like her the same way._

"Alex, please. Whatever you're thinking, it's not bad," and something about the reassuring tone in Maggie's voice made Alex believe her. So Alex stood up, too tensed up and guarded, and squeezed herself between the two women. Alex huffed out a breath, bouncing her knees up and down as she tried to calm her heart.

Lucy placed a hand on Alex's knee, squeezing softly, and trying to calm the woman beside her. She glanced up at Maggie, hoping she'd do the talking because Lucy was almost at loss for words.

"Alex, we do like you, _like like_ you," Maggie started. Alex looked up and stared at Maggie, and Maggie maintained her firm yet gentle expression before the agent turned towards Lucy, who nodded with a silent smile. Alex visibly relaxed at that.

"and each other?" Alex asked timidly, staring at her fingers.

"and each other." Lucy affirmed. Another relief breath, another muscle relaxed. Alex leaned towards Lucy's touch on her knee subconsciously.

"So how do we do this?"

"we take our time, we learn more of each other. We stand by each other and we do what other people that are dating do," Lucy states and the three of them agreed. Although there was something in the back of Maggie's mind that she had to say it out loud.

"Can we erm take things slow?" She didn't want it to end fast, whatever it is they were but Maggie had asked so softly, it almost brushed past the other two women's ears. Alex intertwined her fingers with Maggie, pulling their hands towards her so that they'd settle over Lucy's hand on her knees. Lucy turned her palm facing the ceiling and held their joint hands.

"We'll be as slow as you need, until all of us are ready, yeah?" Lucy replied, in which Alex nodded her head readily. All three of them sigh simultaneously and leaned towards each other.

"I really really like you," Alex breathed out, shifting her gaze from Maggie to Lucy, hoping that they get the message.

They did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're finally togetherrrrrrr after what 9 chapters?? shit that's long. why. hmm... 
> 
> I really hope this is good hahaha shit i don't know frens.


	10. with silk chains wrapped around my soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when, not if. They're ending Cadmus one way or another.

She was happy, even though all of them are becoming restless and bored out of their fucking minds when all crimes (aliens or humans) lulled almost to a stop. It was infuriating. There was no new leads, no news, no anything. Just total radio silence. But god, at least the one thing that's good about it is the fact that they're able to make out literally half of the time. She swears she's not a teenager but like fuck, she can't help herself. She can't not kiss the girls in her life. _They're supposed to take it slow but its been like two weeks??_

Maggie's hands explored the expanse of Alex's torso; Lucy's lips on the agent's neck and Alex is nothing but pliant, nothing but surrendering to their touches and god, it was more than just hot, more than just turning her on. Having the girl with impeccable strength totally weak beneath her, it's more than just sexy and Maggie could feel her insides imploding from the entirety of it all. and they haven't even had _sex._ It's been fourteen days and their restraints are getting thinner and thinner the longer they remained in the same room together. (It's like one huge weird foreplay. )

Alex moaned loudly as Lucy's teeth clamped down onto her collarbone and Maggie felt heat shooting through her core. Fuck. Maggie's grip on Alex body tightened and she started scratching down her torso unintentionally. Alex hissed and whimpered at the stimulation; her body beginning to heat up and she's failing to stop herself from wanting _more_. Maggie's hands moved further up, squeezing Alex's breasts over her bra and Alex felt her eyes rolling into the back of her head. _Fuck._

"good?" Lucy growled, her hair disheveled and Alex had to bit her bottom lip from moaning again. Alex nodded her head and whined as Lucy's mouth left her body.

"Fuck," Alex groaned as Maggie brought her mouth to Alex's abs, pressing her tongue on her skin before sucking it. Alex doubled forward, hands clutching on the bed sheets as tight as she could as she tried to control her breathing. Maggie lifted Alex's shirt up, kissing every inch of newly exposed skin whilst Lucy started rubbing the agent's arms soothingly, groaning as she watched Maggie do her magic. _God, she's so turned on right now it's taking every bit of her willpower to not take both of them right then and there._

Alex's eyes were shut tight as Maggie continued her assault, panting and squirming from the intense attention on her body, her brain blanked as all she can focus on was the feeling of Maggie's mouth on her and of Lucy's gentle touch -a huge contrast that makes her go wild.

And that was why she totally totally totally forgot about the emblem on her chest. Alex allowed Maggie to take off her shirt without thinking twice about it until Lucy gasped loudly -not the good kind of gasp.

"Alex? What?" Maggie spluttered, immediately stopping and sat up straight. Her eyes widened as she stared at the emblem on her chest and all the sexual tension in the air was gone abruptly. Alex cursed internally and let her head fall back onto the pillow in defeat. _fuck. way to ruin the moment._

"Alex?" Maggie asked again as she got off of the agent. Alex sighed softly, grabbing her shirt and trying to hide the emblem but too out of sorts to actually put it back on. Lucy bit her bottom lip as her eyes shifted from Alex -fear, and nervousness evident on her face- to Maggie -panic and hopeless wish evident on hers.

"Maggie, please. It's- I-" Alex choked up but there weren't really tears forming in her eyes. She just doesn't know how to explain. Lucy soothingly rubbed Alex's back, her hands moving up and down her spine and Alex took a deep breath.

"Cadmus," Alex whispered, afraid to look up into Maggie's eyes. Maggie looked at Lucy, over Alex's shoulder and her gaze softened as Lucy's lips tightened into a straight line. She gave Maggie a sympathetic look and Maggie reached out to take Alex's hands.

"Alex, look at me?" and she did and Maggie almost gasped at the look of pure fear and pure please-i'm-sorry-i-didn't-tell-you-because-i-didn't-know-how in her eyes.

"You're so beautiful, you know that?" Maggie softly reassured.

Alex stared dumbfoundedly, her mouth parting as she processed what Maggie had said, "You're not mad?"

"No, Ally. Why would I be mad? It wasn't your fault," Alex felt tears spring into her eyes and she had to gulp down a sob threatening to rise up her throat. She slammed her body into Maggie's -as strong as she allowed herself to be- hugging the detective tight, hoping that it could convey the things she wanted to say.

"Come on, let's cuddle for the night yeah?" Lucy muttered as Alex pulled away from the embrace. The three women shifted on the bed; Alex in the middle whilst Lucy and Maggie took their respective side. They entangled their limbs together, Alex relishing on the feeling of both Lucy's and Maggie's fingers intertwined on her shirtless torso. Alex felt her heart beating loud at the intimacy and Alex wished she could do more, could say what's really on the tip of her tongue.

"You know after we end Cadmus, I want to take both of you out on a date," Alex stated. Both the girls beside her curled further into her and Alex felt herself relaxing further in their embrace.

"hmm, where would you take us?" Lucy muttered, her nose nuzzling into the crook of Alex's neck, breathing in her scent.

"we could go to the drive-in theater, watch some stupid black and white movie in the back of an old pick-up truck,"

"and where are you going to find that truck?"

"I have my ways," Alex replied.

"I'd like that, Danvers,"

"So do I,"

They didn't mean to fall asleep -in fact, they planned to start sleeping at their own apartments again but what's the point? But they did fell asleep with the thought of a blissful future, to being happy together, of not being alone anymore. And they fell asleep, wishing for better days and happier moments together. _together._

\---

Alex groggily woke up to the sound of her phone's ringtone blasting through the room. She groaned as she reached for her phone at the bedside table, careful to not accidentally hit Maggie as she tried to find her phone without looking up. She successfully retrieved the device and answered the call.

"Cadmus just sent a message," Winn's voice was heard through the line and Alex shot up from her slumber, stirring Lucy and Maggie up in the process. Alex hurriedly runs around the room, putting on her shirt and trying to find her discarded socks.

"Alex, what's wrong?" Maggie muttered, rubbing her eyes as she watched Alex running in and out of room in the dark.

"Cadmus contacted the DEO, I'm going to see what is it," Alex said with a toothbrush in her mouth.

"If you're thinking you're going alone-"

"Lucy, you're still injured,"

"but my brain works fine, Danvers,"

"ugh fine," Alex muttered, washing her mouth as she turned on the lights of the bedroom.

Maggie's phone started ringing and Alex raised her eyebrows in question as Maggie hurriedly reached for her phone.

"Looks like there's an NCPD emergency too," Maggie muttered, answering the call while getting ready, Lucy following suit behind her- stealing a fresh set of clothes from Maggie's closet.

"Cadmus sent something to NCPD too. I'll see you guys later?" Maggie asked, putting on her jacket and grabbing the keys to her bike.

"C'mon we'll take the car," Alex said as the three of them left the apartment and to the car park. Lucy leaned forward and kissed Maggie on the cheek as they went separate ways, Alex doing the same.

"Stay safe, and update us on anything,"

"You too,"

\---

_"Cadmus is coming for you, National City. Every single one of you,"_

_"Not just the aliens in the city, but to all of you who supported it, supported Supergirl and countless of others like her. We'll burn the city to the ground and rise it back up from the ashes; cleansed and perfectly human again,"_

Alex shuddered as the video replayed itself on the screen again. Winn was doing his best trying to find the location to where it come from but Alex knew it was going to take awhile. Alex breathed out shakily, calming her distress mind and trying to figure out their next step of actions.

"They're weak now, we know that. And we don't have much time," Director Lane commanded as she limped around the control center, looking over reports and leads while J'onn headed over to a conference room to talk to the president. Alex huffed and headed over to her lab, hoping that the R&D had given her the report she wanted.

They had cleaned the warehouse and retrieved any kind of technologies in it. Alex had made sure that the R&D department was making it their top priority to pry open the machines in Cadmus and find out its uses.

"Agent Danvers?"

Alex looked up and nodded her head at the sight of a scientist in his lab coat knocking on her door. The scientist approached her and handed her a handful of folders before quickly leaving the room.

Alex opened up what was inside and exhaled shakily as she sees the various analysis on the machines found in the Cadmus facility. Her mind flashes to the past as she saw the black and white pictures attached to the documents; remembering how she was strapped to those said machines and feeling the sensations of the pain still lingering on her skin.

She flipped through the analysis report, trying to mentally connect the dots in her head to find out Cadmus next potential attack. Her eyes flitted across the paper stating about a serum that they found in one of the experimentation rooms. Alex's whole body tensed up and her brain pictures the exact serum that had been used on her before. I _t's over, it's done._

"Alex? You okay?" Alex snapped the folder shut in surprise and tried to control her breathing. Kara stood at the doorway worriedly before stepping into Alex's lab.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied, only to be given a disbelief look. Alex sighed and shrugged.

"I erm just remembered everything about Jeremiah, I mean my dad," It wasn't a lie. Ever since they attacked the warehouse, Alex has been _remembering everything_. And it should be good, fuck it is, but everything about her dad just screamed wrong and weird and how could he be that guy -her father, her role model, the first person to understand her- when he's the one who tried to hurt her? When he's one of the reasons why she's like this now?

"Everything?" Kara asked as she sat down on the empty stool beside her sister.

Alex sighed and shifted to face Kara."I looked up to him, Kara. And a part of me is in denial that he's my father because how could he do that? How could he be part of Cadmus that's trying to hurt you?" Alex confessed, her eyes shining with tears and she swallowed down her emotions. _It wasn't the time to be crying._

"Maybe we did lose him, Al. But we'll get him back, we always do,"

Alex sighed and leaned closer towards Kara.

"I won't let him touch you, okay?" _I won't let him touch my family. Screw that. I'd be willing to hurt him if it means keeping all of you safe._

"Same goes to you,"

\---

Maggie placed down the cup of coffee on the table and slid into the booth opposite of Lucy. Lucy muttered her thanks as she leaned back against the seat, her head facing the ceiling as she sighed audibly. Maggie raised her eyebrow as she took a sip of her own cup.

"You got any leads?" Lucy muttered, still not facing Maggie as the heavy weight of the Cadmus video lay irritatingly on her shoulder. Alex had warned her not to walk much but Dr. Hamilton had already given her the green light on her leg so _fuck that._

"If I had, I would be chasing them now wouldn't I," Maggie muttered, the video also taking its toll on her.

"In other news, Lena had finally dropped off the new kevlar vests at the precinct earlier,"

"Oh shit. That's sick,"

"mhmm definitely better than what the government provided and definitely much more protective and light," Maggie smiled as she recalled how she tested the vest; very much liking the fact that it didn't feel like an added inconvenience on her body.

"I'm glad. At least now I don't have to worry much about you going after dangerous aliens twice your size," Maggie rolled her eyes and she sees Lucy smirking slightly.

"says the one who goes into danger headfirst when injured,"

"like you wouldn't do the same," Lucy pointed out, glaring at Maggie and challenging her to deny otherwise. Lucy grinned in triumph as Maggie only sagged in her seat in defeat, unable to retort.

"hey, you know we make a pretty good team, yeah?" Maggie said, circling her fingers over the rim of her cup.

"yeah, we do," Lucy said softly, a tugging feeling in her chest as she stared at the detective in front of her, losing her breath at how the sun rays shine through the window and onto Maggie's face, creating a radiance and soft look, making her more beautiful than she already knew she was.

"what?" Maggie asked softly, catching Lucy's stare. Lucy just shook her head, glancing back down on the cup and calming her heart.

"You're really beautiful," Lucy muttered shyly.

Maggie felt her cheeks heat up as she heard Lucy's compliment, feeling a tad bit awkward, not knowing how to reply. She wanted to reply the sentiment but it got lost in her throat and when she just finally got herself together, her phone rang, signaling the end of the short-lived peace.

"I got to go, it's NCPD," Maggie mumbled, pecking a soft kiss on Lucy's cheek, lingering a little before she picks up her phone and left the cafe.

\---

Alex sat on the comfy chair in front of her therapist. It was an impromptu appointment and Alex may or may not had forgotten to attend her mandatory therapy session a few weeks ago. She didn't actually want to set the appointment but neither could see sit around with the feelings idly sitting inside her, weighing down on her and making life unbearable again. She knew she was getting better - a slow progress sure- but voluntarily making the appointment to Dr. Roderick? That should be a huge accomplishment itself.

Dr. Roderick fiddled through her drawer and took out a broken wristwatch and laid it on the table, in front of Alex.

"I never understood why you gave me this during our first meeting," a gut instinct told her that Alex was probably going to talk about it today.

"It was my father's," Alex started, staring intensely at the watch, her heart threatened to beat out of her chest. Dr. Roderick pushed up her glasses and leaned on her forearms on her table. She waited patiently, and sure enough, Alex was opening up to her.

"He was my everything... before he passed away anyway," Alex paused, took a deep breath before continuing.

"my role model, my confidant, my mentor, my no. 1 supporter, so on and so forth.

"even when he passed away, or more accurately, taken away, I never stopped looking up to him. He was the reason why I wanted to be a scientist, and to be a DEO agent too. It was all to honor his memory, honor his legacy,"

Alex brushed the tears in her eyes. Her lips quivered but she had to let it out and she wasn't keen on sharing this part of her to her sister, or to her girlfriends (they're not official yet but its easier to call them that in her head.)

"Every decision I made, a part of me will always wonder if he'll be proud of me, proud of who I am now. But I didn't have the means to know. But now?

"now he's right there and I can't hug him or hold him or love him,"

"Not after all that he's done for Cadmus, all that he's done to- to me," Alex stuttered, her voice cracking as the tears rapidly filled her eyes. She counted her breathing in her head, trying to keep the emotions at bay.

"and what did he do to you?" Dr. Roderick asked, her voice as soft as a whisper but kind and patient; affirming that Alex didn't have to say it if she doesn't want to. Alex took another deep breath, stuttering and gulping the lump in her throat.

"He was the one who created the serum. The one that they injected in me multiple times. The one that still caused me nightmares and fear and unable to function," Alex's hands were fidgeting now and she started playing with her fingers, breathing heavily as she tried to concentrate on letting it out, on not running away, on being brave enough to tear herself raw.

"he was the one that heated up the branding metal, the one that pressed the fucking hot steel onto my chest. The one that watched me scream and shout in pain, in fear, in hurt, and did nothing. Nothing. But watched me suffer and get tortured and tormented me further with ‘it's for your own good. I'm doing it to protect you'," Alex pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes, her body trembling evidently but Dr. Roderick didn't say anything and Alex spurred on.

"It's so fuck up. And I hate him. But he wasn't that kind of man that I knew, that I remember. And it's so fuck up. Because how can you do that your own daughter? How can you go against everything you taught her only to use that bullshit excuse that in the end means it was my fault?" Dr. Roderick winced at the pain in her voice, the anger, the hopelessness, the exhaustion all mixed into one.

"What if I don't want to save him? Kara and J'onn are determined that we'll get him back. Tha-that we could change him, we could save him. But what if I'm not? What if I want him to be part of the collateral damage when we end Cadmus," _when, not if. They're ending Cadmus one way or another._

"What if I just want him to die?" Alex softly confessed, her body racking with sobs and Dr. Roderick watched on in sympathy.

"You don't have to love him, Alex, just because he's family. You don't have to have hope that he could be a better man if you knew he can't. You're not obligated to trust him. Not after what he's done to you, his own daughter," Alex sighed shakily but nodded her head. Breathing in and out through her mouth as she wiped her sniffling nose.

"I don't have to save him?" Alex asked weakly as her body calmed down slightly.

"You have to save yourself, Alex. You got to save yourself,"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... updates are going to be slower because I take time to edit but i just my semester for school again and my schedules are kinda hectic. But, I am going to finish this story ahaha hope you enjoy it! Comment your reviews!


	11. Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "WINN! JUST FUCKING DO IT!"

It almost felt like deja vu, except this time Alex was with them; confident in her control over her powers and ready to kick some Cadmus ass. Lucy counted down in her head, nodding towards her team -mixed of the best DEO agents and NCPD officers, hence included both Maggie and Alex- before entering the door to an underground tunnel. Supergirl along with a handful of other agents had started the plan to be the red herring and they were successful for the most part. J’onn was rounding around the facility, ready to sweep in and aid any team needed. Lena had already created a device that helped Lucy’s team to enter the facility without being detected. _They didn’t have time to create more but it was enough._

Winn was doing his best in talking them through the layout of the facility. They managed to sneak up on a few guards, immediately disarming them and stealing their uniforms and access card to blend in. Once her team was ready, they moved again; their mission to find the main control at the utmost urgency.

Cadmus may be good, but with the number of geniuses working with the DEO, they finally had the upper hand. Lucy had faith in the plan but knew the high risk of it all. She glanced over towards Alex, who was at the back, and then towards Maggie, behind her, and tried to reassure herself. _They’ll make it out alive_.

Winn’s voice crackled in her ear and Lucy raised her assault rifle as Winn warned about the guards coming her way. Someone fired a shot before she could see the guard, and the guard fell abruptly, shocking everyone in the team.

“I heard footsteps?” Alex muttered.

“Your shots have improved, Danvers,” Maggie replied, nodding her head impressively as they walked past the guard.

“Learnt from the best, Sawyer,”

“It’s behind those doors. There’s a lot of guards and scientist inside,” Winn piped up in the comm.

“Roger that, over and out,”

Lucy took a deep breath and kicked the door down, her team filing into the room and firing as accurate and as fast as they could. The continuous ringing of bullets hitting metal echoed and they took cover behind various machines.

“Agent Muller and Agent Lawrence, start planting the C-4s,”

The agents got to work and Alex followed them, covering them as they moved from one corner of the room to the other. Maggie and Lucy fired off shots from their spot, hoping that it would cause enough distraction as it is.

They hadn’t realized early that half of the guard there were impervious to their bullets.

“What the fuck?” Lucy muttered as she reloaded her gun.

“Time to test out the alien guns my man hooked us up with,” Maggie mumbled, switching her gun and slinging the other to her back. Maggie stood up carefully, firing off a shot towards one of the guards; a blue glow radiating from the gun and a ray of red successfully sent the guard flying off the ground.

“Oh fuck yeah,” Maggie grinned triumphantly, a chuckle escaping her lips as she shot another guard. Lucy stared exasperatedly.

“You’re enjoying that more than you should,”

“Oh shut up, Lane,”

\---

“Bombs are planted. Everyone evacuate the area. Keep an eye out for Cadmus. Do not let Lillian escape,” Alex said through her comm as she dodged a blow and jabbing the guard that was attacking her. Alex kicked the knees of another guard, the resounding crack satisfying her as the guard fell to his knees and Alex quickly knocked him out. Her eyes scanned the room, finding Lucy and Maggie getting cornered and fighting off at least three different Cadmus agents each.

Alex ran to them with her super speed, putting off the guard as fast as she could.

“I’ve had it handled,” Lucy gritted out as they rushed out of the room.

“That’s the thanks I get?”

“uh, guys we have a problem,”

“What is it, Winn?” Maggie’s impatient voice was heard through the comm.

“Lillian just launched a nuclear to National City. It’s gonna launch off in five,”

“I got it,” Alex hissed as she sped through the area, finding the nuclear in a blink of an eye.

Alex tried to remember about the C-4s. She knew she had about a minute before the C-4s explode, destroying the main control system. She just hoped that Maggie and Lucy are out of there in time.

Alex halt to a stop as she sees the nuclear set up in an empty hangar outside the Cadmus facility. Her eyes scanned the area as she sped to the manual control on the nuclear. She flexed her hands as she tried to figure out what the hell is she supposed to do now.

“You can’t stop it,” Alex turned abruptly as she heard the familiar voice.

“Dad.” Alex gritted out before focusing back on the dial pad, ignoring her father’s approaching footsteps. _No time. No time. No time._

“Winn, I need a four-digit code,”

“I can’t. It’s not connected to anything. I can’t,” Winn panicked and Alex cursed internally.

Jeremiah laughed menacingly and Alex felt a shiver ran up her spine. _No no no, focus._ Fuck. She needed a four digit code and fuck there are thousands of combinations for that shit. Alex breathed in deep and tried to stop herself from panicking. _Fuck fuck fuck._

“How long do I have?”

“Less than 4 mins,”

“I’m going to tear it apart,” A beat of silence and it was all it need for Alex to convince herself to do it.

“Alex, if you do that, it might explode in this room,” Jeremiah’s stern voice cut through her thinking process. _Fuck it._

 _“C-4s exploding in 10 seconds,”_ She heard Agent Muller’s voice on the comm.

Alex grabbed her father’s arms and threw him to the ground, using his momentum and surprise as a leverage. Jeremiah hit the floor, the ground cracking, and the building behind them exploded.

“You’re going to stop me, _father_?” Alex taunted as she ditched the code and placed her hands on the nuclear. Fuck fuck fuck. She tried to find something she could pry her fingers in, try to open up the inside of the nuclear but everything was bolt shut. She hadn’t had a choice. She doesn’t know if the force of the explosion is _strong enough_ to kill her.

Alex shut her eyes and tried to focus. She clenched her fingers, pulling the metal with her before she felt a body slamming into her.

“I can’t let you do this,”

“Try and stop me,”

Jeremiah swings his arm towards Alex, his fists catching Alex’s cheek when she was disorientated, reacting slower than usual. Alex hissed as she blocked another attack. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“I’ve got Lillian,” this time it was Maggie’s voice on the comm and Alex breathed in relief even as she was slammed into the wall.

“Supergirl needs help,” _Vasquez._

“On it,” _Lucy._

“Alex, the nuclear is launching in 60 seconds,”

Alex pushed her father off of her and reached for the gun in her holster.

“Alex, you need to understand. This is for your own good,” _There’s no time. There’s no time._

“Alexandra, please. We’re making the world a better place,” Alex raised her gun and aimed at her father, straightening her arms too tight, too taut, too much. Her fingers touched the trigger and her arms shook. Alex forced herself to push past the blurriness in her eyes, the thumping of her heart in her chest and the guilt rolling in her stomach.

_You’ve got to save yourself. Save yourself. Save yourself._

“Alex, please. I’m your father,” _I know i know i know i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry._

“Alex, it’s me,” and she heard him, she heard her father, the one that she loved, the one that she wished every night to come back to her, the one she cried every night since his supposed demise. And she heard him but she couldn’t. she couldn’t. she _couldn’t._

“I’m sorry,” Alex muttered before pulling the trigger. Her eyes shut tight and her brain stopped functioning. She heard the distinct sound of a bullet ripping through skin and the gasps of disbelief.

“How could you?” his voice cracked but Alex ignored him, ignored the tremble in her body as she dropped the gun to the ground and stumbling towards the nuclear, ignored the pain in her chest because fuck fuck _fuck._

She gripped the nuclear as tight as she could, digging her nails into the metal, her jaw clenching as she pulled the metal apart. _Too slow. Too slow._

“Alex, 30 seconds,”

Alex let out a curling scream as she pushed on and used all the strength she had in her. The metal broke apart, scrunching beneath her fingers but it wasn’t enough.

“20 seconds,”

She braced her leg to the base of the platform that holds the nuclear and she pulled the nuclear downwards, aiming it down towards her as she tried to grip for the insides of the nuclear.

“The nuclear is no longer aimed at National City but the explosion of it is enough to wipe out the entire Cadmus facility,”

“I know, Winn,” Alex raised her voice. Her heart thumping in a steady speedy beat. _There’s no other choice._

_“Alex, if you ripped the wires off, it's going to trigger an explosion, a smaller one but Alex-”_

“I know! I know! Just count down for me, please,” Alex’s voice strained as she tried her best to pull it apart. _A sacrifice has to be made._

“ Alex- "

"WINN! JUST FUCKING DO IT!" 

"10,” Winn's voice trembled on the line. Alex felt her heart tearing at its seams and she had to force her mind to focus back on the task. 

“Alex! Get out of there!” _Kara. Kara. Kara._

“I love you, Kara,” her voice was shaky but she didn’t let go. _Save them. Save them. Save them._

Alex breathed in deep, her fingers gripping onto the wires inside. She shut her eyes in silent resignation.

“3,”

“Alex! What the fuck are you doing?!” _Maggie._

“2,”

“Fuck, Alex. Get out of there now!” _Lucy._

“I-i-” _I love you. I love you. I love you._

“1,” _It’s okay, it’s okay, they’ll be okay._

Alex tore the wires inside, ripping the insides of the nuclear into shreds and surrendered herself to the oncoming explosion. _They’re safe. They’re okay. It’s okay._ She felt the vibrations, the intense heat and heard the screams tearing off from her throat. Her vision blackened and Alex submitted herself to the darkness.

_i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry._

\---

Kara flew through the sky, breaking the sound barrier as she tried to reach her sister on time, on time on time. Lucy had pushed her after they disarmed the last few Cadmus lackey, giving her the motivation needed to save her sister. She had heard Alex’s plan over the comm and she refused to believe that she couldn’t beat time.

“I love you, Kara,” _no no no no._

Kara pushed herself further. Tears welling up in her eyes as she heard Winn’s countdown. _No no no no no. Why isn’t she fast enough god damn it!_

She almost reached the hangar, almost reached Alex and Kara was about to enter, was about to grab Alex and go and fuck she was almost there. almost. almost. _Almost._ before the whole entire hangar blew up in flames in front of her eyes, fury red bursting and angrily spreading from its core.

She didn’t know she was screaming until her throat became nothing but parched, nothing but sore, nothing but pain pain pain but Alex. Rao, Alex, no!

Her body shook and her entire brain ceased to function as she stared and stared and stared at the flames, at the smoke, at the ashes. She couldn’t focus, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t do _anything. And suddenly she's thirteen again and she's seeing her planet exploding and breaking and no no no-_

“Kara, Alex’s still in there,” She doesn’t know whose voice was it but Kara listened and she followed because she doesn’t know what to do, not anymore, not after the possibility of her sister, her family, her everything being dead.

Kara breathed in deep. Fuck she’s Kryptonian. She could’ve stopped the nuclear why didn’t Alex let her stop it? Kara used her freeze breath on the hangar, putting away the fire and the smoke and clearing the area. She flew into the hangar, her eyes scanning the room.

She found Jeremiah first, bloodied and lifeless and totally helplessly dead. But Kara ignored him for now. _Not important as Alex._ She swept through the hangar, trying to find her sister because she refused to believe that Alex would just be in ashes, that there wouldn’t be remnants of her body. _no. no. no_

The smoke cleared up further and Kara finally spotted her. Her body tattered and bruised, blood oozing out of the gash in her head and the ripping hole in her stomach and Kara had to swallow in her tears. _Focus. Focus._ Kara lifted her sister, straining her ears to listen to the horrendously soft and slow heartbeat but it’s okay. it’s okay. Alex’s still alive. it’s okay. there’s time.

“Get a med bay ready, i’m bringing Alex in,” Kara choked out before bursting into the sky, her sister cradled in her arms.

alive. alive. alive.

\---

It was like deja vu; the distant shouts of doctors and nurses, the beeping noises of machines, the rushing of steps in and out of the room. It was like deja vu, and Maggie felt her stomach quench, felt the bile rising and rising and rising up her throat and her head spinning over and over.

She didn’t register the other doctor trying to patch her up, didn’t register as she was brought into the waiting room, didn’t register when Lucy slumped into the chair beside her. Maggie stared blankly at the wall in front of her, detaching herself from reality as she stared and listened and everything blurred and mixed and swirled in her brain.

_Alex._

Maggie wrapped her arms around her stomach and tried to stop the emotions from enveloping her.

“Maggie,” the soft whisper caused her head to snap towards Lucy.

“C-can you... Will you-” and Maggie could see the terror, the horror, the dread reflected in her eyes and Maggie gulped. She nodded her head and opened her arms slightly, her movements restricted by bandages and her inability to place in any energy. Lucy shifted in her seat, curling herself inside Maggie’s arms and placing her ear to the detective’s chest.

“thank you,” _Thump. Thump. Thump. Alive. Alive. Alive._

\---

“She’s stable,” Dr. Hamilton announced as she entered the waiting room. She looked worse to wear, her body sagging in exhaustion as the med team had done their very best in operating on Alex. It was difficult, to say the least. Alex wasn’t human; there were so many new procedures that they had to figure out on the go. And the worse part, Alex’s healing abilities is not the same as Kara’s. No amount of yellow sun is going to reset her body from the injuries.

A collective sigh of relief echoed through the room but still, the tension in the air is palpable. All of them wanted to see Alex right that instance and they fidgeted impatiently for Dr. Hamilton to give the permission.

“Three at a time, go,” Dr. Hamilton breathed out, rubbing her forehead with her temple. Kara, Maggie, and Lucy rushed past her without saying anything else; unable to stay away from the person they love any longer.

\---

Lucy didn’t know what to expect when she entered Alex’s room. Maybe a part of her wanted to enter to a room where Alex Danvers was awake and being the little smug shit that she is. But another part of her wanted to enter a room where Alex Danvers isn’t that injured.

She couldn’t help the small inaudible gasp that left her lips when her eyes trained on Alex’s body; too pale in comparison to the surrounding white walls, her lips blue and her skin filled with new bruises and scars. She was hooked up to the IV supply, and there were wires coming out of her hospital gown in her chest, hooking to a few other machines.

Alex remained sleeping, almost peacefully, almost like a corpse, and Lucy had to suppress the sob threatening to escape. Lucy settled herself on the edge of Alex’s bed, her fingers trailing softly on Alex’s foot; circling and rubbing and circling again. She watched as Kara settled on Alex’s left side, and Maggie the other, both reaching out to tether themselves with Alex’s touch.

Lucy breathed out the first breath she had in a while, anchoring herself by listening to the steady beep of the monitor and watched as Alex’s chest rise and sink in rhythm. Lucy tapped her fingers along with the beeping sound.

Alive. Alive. Alive.

\---

_“You kill everyone, Alex,”_

_“Before you know it, you’ll kill your sister too. And your girlfriends. Or those people you called family,”_

_“You killed me, your own flesh and blood,”_

Alex gasped and thrashed around the hospital bed. Her mind speeding with images of her father, dead, blood on her hands, and images of the nuclear exploding. She could see the blast swallowing the entire Cadmus faculty, could see Kara, tattered and broken and dying, and Lucy and Maggie in pieces, drowning in a sea of red- dead dead dead.

And then it was silent, it was blank, it was nothing but comforting black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do leave a comment below if you enjoyed this chapter!


	12. when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to be better

She woke up anti-climatically; almost like waking up from a sleep that had nightmares replaying itself over and over again in her head, making her just _numb_. She glanced around the room, recognizing every little detail of the DEO med bay and immediately spotting Maggie curled into the corner of the room; a blanket draped over her as she snores softly.

"Alex?" Kara's voice sounded nearby her side. Alex turned and found herself sucking into eyes of a sea of despair, of consolation, of fear, of hope. Flashes of what had happened appeared in her mind and Alex's lips quivered without her permission.

"d-dad?" her voice trembled as she asked, eyes welling up with tears she tries to stop ad her heart skipping beats as she waited for the answer, for the confirmation, for the hopeless wish of him being alive at least (she knows it was impossible. She knows where she shot him, knows the slim chance of survival.)

Kara bit her bottom lip, her own eyes tearing up as she opened and closed her mouth, no words leaving, nothing but choked up noises and squeaks.

"I'm sorry, Alex," Kara finally choked out.

Alex looked away, unable to look at her sister after what she did, nodding her head in silent acceptance as she cupped her mouth with shaking fingers. Trying and trying to stop her insides from breaking, from suffocating her. She could feel the emotions building up, threatening to spill and escape her body, needing to be released. She tried to keep it at bay, tried to not cry because it's over. It's done. it's over.

But she failed.

And her sobs echoed the room, her heart breaking in the process as another blood stained her fingers, her mind, her soul. Another death added to her list.

\---

The doctors found out that her body healed faster when Kryptonite is present; a huge difference from Kara and Alex was wary to used it at first, afraid that it would offend her sister, would hurt her, would accidentally kill her. _(no no no.)_

J'onn had made sure they made a room just for Alex to recover, to use kryptonite in containment where Kara can't feel it's effect outside the door. Alex body was aching and bruising and incredibly sore; a feeling she hadn't felt in a while. She felt weak, felt slightly more human and Alex nearly rejected the idea of it itself. _She just wanted to feel normal again._ Lucy had convinced her to use the room till she was recovered enough to move without the danger of tearing open her injuries again. Alex had only agreed when Lucy promised to stay by her side. (She still sees the world blowing up, sees the fire licking up bodies that she swore to protect.)

Somewhere along the lines, her mother was told about her father's demise. And Alex hadn't wanted to see her yet; was terrified of the possible accusation of _why didn't you save your father? how could you not save him? he's family, he's blood, how could you?!_

But all she received were hugs and tears and acceptance and _it's okay Alex. He was on the wrong side of war. He wasn't the father you know, wasn't the man I married. It's okay, Alex. I love you. I love you. You're my daughter. I love you._

(Alex swore she was too dried up to cry, but still, her eyes leaked and her body trembles and she's nothing but weak and open and vulnerable again.)

She didn't know, didn't bother to know, how life has been after they defeated Cadmus. Was it silence? Was it like a weight lifted off their chest? Or was everyone going on about their day like it was any other? A mission like any other, because threats don't stop and Cadmus might be one hell of a pain in the ass but it wasn't the only one.

"Al, we're here," Maggie spoke, unstrapping Alex's seat belt for her. Alex was still struggling to move any part of her torso and as much as it was an inconvenience, she found herself not having energy to move anything at all. She wondered what Maggie and Lucy think of her now; whether she's being an added burden, that they didn't sign up for this, they hadn't wanted a broken person as part of their responsibility. (She wondered if they'll leave. She hopes they leave because maybe then the chance of her killing them would be _minimal_.)

Alex allowed Maggie to pull her out of the car, and up to her apartment; pull her gently towards the couch and allowed her to lay her down. Alex let her, finding herself unable to function, unable to produce energy, unable to _be_.

"Are you hungry?" Maggie asked in a soft whisper.

Alex wishes she could give her more; could stand up and cook them dinner. She wished she could offer a lot more than the slight shake of her head and deafening silence but she can't. She just can't. She heard Maggie sigh and Alex wondered when Maggie will admit that Alex was just a dysfunctional _something._

"Do you want me to go?"

Alex stared at the detective, her eyes filling up with tears at their own accord as she fears Maggie leaving and never coming back because _Alex is a murderer, Alex doesn't show mercy or compassion, Alex is cold and cruel._ She could feel her heart tearing and tearing at the look Maggie was giving, and she reached out, hoping Maggie would understand, hoping Maggie would stay without her needing to say; hoping and hoping that she hadn't ruined everything she touched, everything she loves. Because Alex needs them to even breathe above the water, because they're the life vest holding her up, holding her close and warm and holding her still.

Maggie intertwined her fingers with Alex and settled onto the floor beside the couch. She clasped their joint hands and brought it to her chest.

"I'm here. I'll always be here. I promise," Maggie muttered, leaning into the couch and ran her fingers through Alex's hair.

_I love you._

\---

She winced as she tried to reach for the keys that she dropped on the floor in front of Alex's apartment. The burning in her muscles hasn't reduced for the past three days and she knew that the constant trembling in her right hand isn't considered a normal side effect of any injuries or medication. Lucy gritted her teeth as she bent down to the ground just to pick up the keys and yelped slightly as a sharp pain coursed through her torso.

She should really get checked out by Dr. Hamilton but it's late and she just want to curl up and _sleep with her girls_. She can go tomorrow or something.

She could feel the cells in her skin vibrating, her entire arm unsteady even when she grasped the keys with her fingers. Lucy closed her eyes, counting down to ten to calm herself down. Maybe she's still tense from the cleanup mission, waiting for something else to go wrong and try tearing her entire world apart.

Lucy mentally chided herself to pull herself together but the trembling in her hand doesn't stop as she pushed the key through the lock, the chains connecting with her other keys rattling and pushing her over the edge. She clenched her jaw as another slight movement caused the sharp pain to return, her vision filled with black spots in the process.

She really really needs to see Dr. Hamilton.

\---

Maggie stirred awake at the sound of the door, her hands immediately retrieving a gun that isn't there before she freezes and turned to look at the shadow that just entered the apartment, careful not to move too much to wake up the agent who had just fallen asleep.

"Luce?" she murmured, her voice thick with exhaustion and sleep. A small smile graced Lucy's lips as she stroked Maggie's cheek; the detective leaning into the touch subconsciously.

"Long day?" Lucy asked, her voice as low as a whisper. She eyed Alex out of the corner of her eyes, hoping that it didn't wake the sleeping woman.

"Yeah, you okay?" Maggie whispered, her head tilting up as she noticed Lucy's guarded stance.

"Yeah, mind if I squeeze?" Lucy asked, gesturing to the small space between Maggie and the couch.

Maggie eyed her skeptically before shifting a little and giving Lucy sufficient space to flop down. Once Lucy settled by her side, Maggie found herself burying into the woman's neck, the overwhelming emotions of the past few days taking its toll on her.

"Shh, it's okay baby. It's okay, I understand," Lucy whispered, shifting around the couch so that she could pull Maggie to her chest without waking Alex up. The first sob escaped her lips quietly, her right arm finding Lucy's waist while the other clutching Alex's hand. Tears cascaded down her cheeks freely and rapidly. Lucy hugged the woman tighter, whispering soothing reassurance in her ears while stroking the detective's hair.

"let it out babygirl. We're all here. We're all safe,"

"don't leave me," Maggie hiccuped. and something about the statement sounds suspiciously like _i love you_. and Maggie could feel Lucy pressed her cheek to the top of Maggie's head, hoping the action would be interpreted as an _i love you._

\---

Alex woke up heaving and shuddering in the morning, her skin coated with thick sweat as she grasped the bed sheets tightly, trying to ground herself to the present, to reality. The sound of torn sheets grabbed the attention of the other person who was in the room; her head snapping towards the bed from the kitchen.

"Al?" Kara asked, her feet already rushing towards the bed, and crawling by Alex's side. Alex shivered and Kara helped her to unclench her fingers from the torn sheets. Alex, having seemed to not notice of Kara's present before, turned towards the new touch on her skin. The gears in her mind slowly turning as she tried to even her breathing.

Alex breathed out shakily and shook herself from the nightmares in her head. She intertwined her fingers with her little sister, holding her close and holding her tight.

"Where-where are-"

"Lucy got a call from the DEO and Maggie's running some lead for a crime,"

"They're okay?"

"Yes, Alex. They're okay," Alex gulped at that, her nerves calming a bit yet the tremble in her hands were still obvious.

"And you?" the agent asked, locking her eyes with Kara's and Kara felt a lump in her throat from the sudden intensity of it all.

"I'm okay," Kara whispered firmly. Alex nodded her head hesitantly before untangling herself from her bed comforter.

"sh-shower. I need to shower," Alex mumbled before rushing off into the bathroom.

\---

By the time Alex finished with her shower, Kara had made about a dozen pancakes and a medium sized fruit bowl that she knew Alex loves to eat in the morning. Alex smiled warmly as she saw the food on the dining table. She gave her sister a quick hug, before the grumbling in her stomach and the dizziness in her head forced her to start consuming something before the feeling of passing out washes over her. Alex ate quietly, the burn marks and wounds tingle against her skin and for every time she caught Kara glancing at her, she could feel the burn intensifies and heats up her entire body.

"Kara." Alex gritted out as she chewed on another piece of pancake. Kara muttered an apology, but didn't stop staring and studying every injury until Alex huffed out an irritated breath. Another muttered apology from her little sister and Alex felt all the annoyance flushed away with understanding

another thought raced her mind and she knew; she couldn't wait and hide any longer.

"I need to tell you something," Alex whispered timidly, playing with her food with her fork. There was a small throbbing on her shoulder where Kara's family crest was nothing but a cruel reminder of what happened, of what she couldn't be, of what she will never be.

"What is it?" and something about the softness and the gentleness of the voice spurred Alex on.

"I... Remember when... I mean-" a frustrated huff and clenching of jaws before she continued.

"When Cadmus had me, th-they erm they did something to me," Alex paused, unsure of the right words and trying to stop her brain from causing her to abort the mission.

"Alex. Cadmus did a lot of shit to you," the sudden edge in Kara's voice caused Alex to straightened, her fingers to tighten and her heart constricting. She knew Kara wasn't angry at her, wouldn't be but she also knew how much Kara despise lies, despise people hiding truths from her and Alex couldn't help the shudder in her spine.

But Alex was never one to hide away from the things she's afraid of, consequences be damned.

(Except, this time, she's too afraid to lose Kara, to lose her sister, to lose another family member because god forbade she destroys everyone she loves.)

Alex took a deep breath and shut her eyes tight. "They branded me with the House of El," Alex whispered in a rush. The sound of Kara's heart suddenly pounding furiously in anger, in rage filled her ears and flooded her entire senses and Alex wrapped her arms around her stomach, unable to look up at her sister.

"Why didn't you tell me about it before, Alex?" Kara's voice raised a little at the end, causing Alex to flinch _._ Kara was angry, of course, she is. Why wouldn't she be? _Alex is nothing good, nothing true._

Alex breathed in shakily, her fingers tremble as she picked up her plate and dumping it in the sink; washing the dirty dishes to keep herself calm, to ignore Kara's anger that was suffocating the room. _She's not angry at you, she's not angry at you, she's not angry._

"Alex." Kara hissed out after receiving nothing but the cold shoulder from Alex and Alex winced again. The fury in her body seemed to multiply the longer Alex didn't reply her and Kara couldn't stop the boiling feeling inside her stomach.

Kara clenched her fist, unsure where the sudden anger was coming from but needing to know, needing to hear it from Alex's voice because, Rao, why hadn't she tell her? Why didn't Alex ever mentioned it to her before?

"Alex, i swear to Rao, if you don't answer me-" and something about the tension in her voice caused Alex to snap.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to have this on your body? Do you?!" Alex exclaimed, clenching the kitchen counter tightly- the granite cracking beneath her fingers.

"You get to choose when to where it Kara. I don't!" Kara opened her mouth to retort back but was immediately cut off.

"Do you know what it's like to feel so undeserving of it, to feel like it's just fucking taunting you, waiting for you to become whatever Cadmus had planned for you to become?" The rage had faded into depreciation and self-hatred and Kara died a little on the inside. _Oh, Rao._

"I didn't know how to tell you, Kara. I didn't know how to tell you because I know I don't deserve it. I know that it's fucking offensive to your family, to you, and I couldn't tell you. I-" Alex voiced crack, despite the edge in her voice and in her posture. It cracked along with the hearts in the room.

"Alex, oh no no no," the fury in her disappeared and Kara pushed her way to her sister, holding her up as a sob wracked out of Alex's chest. Alex clutched onto Kara, her knees almost too weak for her to stand if it wasn't for her sister by her side.

"I was a-afraid. that I wouldn't be enough that i-" another sob, another broken piece of her heart falling to the ground.

"The House of El is a beacon of hope, of justice, and everything good in this world. I am neither of those. I kill and I hurt and I am not a hero. I'm so so sorry," Alex sobbed, her whole body giving way and she fell to the ground, Kara by her side.

"No no no. You listen to me. Alex Danvers. You deserve to wear that emblem. No one else but you. It would be an honor to my family, for someone so brave, so good, so loyal, to have it,"

"Because you're my family okay? Alex, you're my sister. You're my family! And I know. I know Cadmus did this to you. But it doesn't have to mean what they want it to mean. You get that?"

"You're my family. If we were on krypton, you'd wear that symbol and I'd never be more proud. Because you deserve it. You do. Alex,"

Kara couldn't help but the tears that fell down her cheeks, as she clutched onto her sister, as she felt her sister shudder and sobbed and cried in her arms.

"you don't hate me?" Alex stammered.

"no, Alex. I will never," Kara replied firmly, her arms tightening around Alex.

"even after I killed dad? after i killed your aunt?" And Kara hesitated without intending to, stiffening without realizing as the memories come in waves in her mind, and the small silence was enough to cause Alex's heart to break further.

"you did what you had to do," _why doesn't it sound like you mean it?_

"We're okay, Alex. We'll figure it out," Kara assured, rubbing soothing circles on Alex's back as Alex tried to stop her crying.

"I'm sorry, Kara. I'm so sorry," _for everything, for ruining everything._

"You'll be okay, Al. I promise. We'll get there. You'll be better,"

_I want to be better._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me awhile. I've been changing the storyline of this story because there's a few more stuffs I wanna add but i can't add them in without other stuff. so there's that. This is going on longer than i planned. But we're reaching there, slowly but surely... 
> 
> Please do leave a comment or kudos below. It helps to motivate me to write with more determination and if you want to, you can leave what you'd like to expect with Director Sanvers progress and relationship!


	13. and with a feeling i'll forget, I'm in love now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "oh they're going to murder you too by the way," and Lucy felt her body gone cold and oxygen seemingly left her entire body.
> 
> "oh fuck,"

Lucy swung the metal staff in a swift motion, her right arms bringing down the tip of the pole while her left keeping the other end steady. She shifted again, swinging the other way before jabbing and striking down, jumping high up in the air and landing gracefully on her feet. The muscles in her back rippled beneath the motions, stretching her tank top that was already drenched in sweat, sticking to her back like a second skin. The motions were deliberately soft and slow, flowing like water and not straining any muscles in her body that was still throbbing every now and then, like little tremors skating underneath her skin.

She followed the beat of the music, striking every time a beat drop and focus on her footwork when the beat restarted. It was therapeutic; the same routine perfected over and over again, the same familiarity, the same mastery. Lucy let her energy flowed from her body to the staff, becoming one and becoming whole as she moved as gracefully as she could; it was almost like a dance if the moves didn't end with deadly strikes if she used a little more energy.

The trembling in her hands made it harder for her to grip the staff, the metal slipping from her hands every now and then. Lucy sighed shakily as the staff fell out of her hands for the umpteenth time with another move. The sound of metal clanking heavily with the granite floors echoed through the room, filling her ears and triggering bile to rise up her throat.

and before she knew it, she felt the world around her spinning, slowing and blurring at the edges. There were black spots in her vision, her feet lost its steadiness as she tripped and stumble around the room.

and then she's falling. and falling. and falling.

\---

Lucy hopped off the hospital bed, her arms itching uncomfortably in the cast and she had to resist the urge to just tear it all out. She let out a small hiss as she moved a muscle in her arm wrongly, causing pain to shoot up intensely.

Somewhere between her fall, she had broken her arm and if it wasn't for Vasquez passing by the training room at the right time, Lucy would have stopped breathing altogether.

"where do you think you're going?" Lucy froze for a moment, her eyes widened as she's been caught trying to escape, before turning around to greet the little Danvers.

"uh, home?" Lucy watched as the hero stared defiantly at the director, arms crossed and biting the insides of her cheeks with an impressive Supergirl glare. Lucy held the gaze, staring Kara down until eventually her whole body sagged from exhaustion and she sat back down on the bed in defeat, her shoulders hunch and her eyes dropped to the floor. Lucy sighed, knowing Kara wouldn't let her step out of the room even when her whole body is aching and begging for the soft touch of her girlfriends on her skin.

"listen, Maggie and Alex are on the way,"

"Wait you told them?" Lucy asked exasperatedly, her face in muted shock and fear and she felt a hint of betrayal at that moment. (She doesn't blame Kara but god damn her ingrained nature to just hide things.) She was hoping she could hide this from her girlfriends, hoping that she didn't have to add to their worry especially not to Alex.

"Firstly, Alex and Maggie are going to kill me, which Alex could now by the way if I didn't tell them that the woman they love-"

She hadn't meant to do it on purpose - zoning out at the words Kara had just nonchalantly used- and she didn't mean for the word to ring alarmingly in her brain. She could feel blood rushing to her brain as the words repeated itself inside her mind; in blaring bold red, flashing like the signs of danger and warning, telling her to run and run and-

run towards the girls she loves and tell them, whisper to them

show it to them.

The word tasted sweet in her mouth, like Maggie's favorite dessert from her aunt, melting beautifully and leaving the best aftertaste or like Alex' favorite music that wafts through the air on rare silent nights. Lucy felt herself feeling rejuvenated, her entire body buzzing positively and it hadn't scared her like the way she thought it would. Fuck. It was still terrifying but it was good, it was true and

_God, she loves them so fucking much._

and now her chest was inflating, was ready to burst with this realization that she has been loving them for so long and had said it so much in her head but not, never out loud.

which explained the sinking feeling she had when Alex was laying lifelessly in bed, explained how her heart almost stopped when she received the call that Maggie was on the field during a particularly deadly mission, explained how she felt like she didn't want to die _during a mission_ without saying the words locked inside her; the words that she's been feeling but never understood how she could fall so fast and so easily for two women who were infuriatingly perfect.

but it all made sense. because she loves them. and fuck. She can't go another day without telling them.

"oh they're going to murder you too by the way," and Lucy felt her body gone cold and oxygen seemingly left her entire body.

"oh fuck,"

"yep. good luck with that Director," Kara teased, as the sound of footsteps rushing through the hallway caught her attention. Kara smiled tightly, pointing towards the door and counting down from three using her hand.

by the time her fingers hit one, Alex stomped into the room, furious and worry sketching her face and Maggie a second behind her, wearing the same expression.

"what the hell, Lane?"

"and that's my cue to leave," Kara stage whispered before striding out of the room, leaving a frozen Lucy in her wake.

\---

Lucy watched as Alex superspeed her way to grab Lucy's medical report and returning with a gush of wind, whilst Maggie stood by her bedside, hands on her hip, unwavering stillness, as she stared down towards the Director sitting on the bed. (Maggie had called in the nurses after Lucy's failed attempt at escaping and they hook Lucy back to the IV and heart monitor again. )

"Really, Lane. That was a poor excuse for an escape," Maggie spat out dryly as she took a step closer to Lucy.

"I'm fine," Lucy lied.

"Says the one who collapsed in a training room, yeah sure okay," Alex mumbled, passing the report to Maggie after thoroughly reading it. Lucy flushed, embarrassed, as Alex sat on the chair on Lucy's other side.

Lucy looked away from them, ready to get berated for this. She started playing with the loose threads of the blanket, ignoring the fact that maybe she was scared. scared that they were truly mad at her for this.

The soft touch of Maggie's warm palm caught Lucy off-guard and caused her heart to stutter. Lucy gulped, still waiting for the shouting and the disappointment, still waiting for the voices telling her that she's so. fucking. weak.

"Luce? Hey, can you look at me?" Maggie asked, her voice filled with concern and worry, and none of the things that she'd imagine.

Lucy looked up, letting her head be tilted with the finger on her chin. Her lips trembled involuntarily and Maggie softened, despite her initial reaction of wanting to scream at the woman for being so bloody reckless and careless.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Maggie whispered and Lucy broke.

The dam of emotions broke and Lucy could feel it all drowning her as she pulled away from Maggie's touch, shaking her head vigorously as the tears fell and her body trembled again. She didn't deserve this, didn't deserve to be looked at so fondly, didn't deserve to not be scolded because she's a soldier.

she's a soldier and she shouldn't be lying in bed after merely passing out whilst training, she's a soldier and she shouldn't be so weak that her body just completely shut down. and she's a soldier and she should have known better, should have reported about the pain in her body sooner, should have just been better. and she didn't deserve this. didn't deserve to be cared for like this.

"Lucy, baby, breathe," this time it was Alex's voice cutting through the haze in her brain as Lucy choked and gasped and shuddered.

"Can I touch you, baby?" Alex asked, her hand hovering on her back and Lucy nodded shakily.

The warm light touch of Alex's palm tethered Lucy to the present, and it was all she could feel before it was Maggie's hand on hers and Lucy did her best to not clutch to them so strongly, not to be so clingy.

but she failed.

and she couldn't stop the wrecking of her body or the clenching of her heart.

but between her girls like this? she's safe and she feels loved and so so cared for and she feels that maybe, maybe this might all be okay.

that she can go through another day as long as she isn't alone.

\---

Both Alex and Maggie had forced their girlfriend to get some shut eye, the medication having made her dizzy and truly drowsy was finally winning and Lucy eventually surrendered to her body's need. She had wanted to wait up until Dr. Hamilton came back with more information but after the countless of reassurance that her girls will still be there when she wakes up finally made her lower her guard down.

They still had to talk about the fact that Lucy hadn't wanted to tell them about the pain that she was feeling before she ended up passing out, or why she seems almost ashamed for needing to stay another night in the medical bay. Alex sighed as she played with the soft curls of Lucy's hair, twirling them and sweeping them every so often from her face. Alex looked up towards Maggie, who was slumping into the other chair, her eyes begging to be closed.

"you okay?" Alex asked softly, not wanting to wake the finally sleeping Director.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that, Danvers? You're the one who's still injured," Maggie replied, yawning in the process and curling further into the chair.

"and you're not hiding any other injuries on your own?" Maggie sighed, before shaking her head.

"not that I know of," Maggie muttered.

Alex listened to the steady beat of her girlfriend and felt reassured that she wasn't lying. She heaved a sigh of relief before absorbing Maggie's posture in the chair.

_God, both her girls are far from being remotely okay._

Alex stood up from her seat and walked towards the Detective, walking until she's situated behind her, and slowly started massaging her shoulders. Alex bent and started placing kisses on Maggie's neck, feeling the woman slightly melting to her touch.

"you haven't been sleeping well," Alex muttered, her fingers trailing from her shoulders and down her arms and back up again. She wanted to push further, prodding Maggie until she spoke her mind, until the emotions she's pushing down (unknowingly or not) is out in the open but she also knew it wasn't the right time. That Maggie might only pull away further and shut her out. So Alex settled on alleviating the physical discomfort of her girlfriend, hoping that it would be enough for now.

Maggie sighed softly and leaned back towards Alex and allowing herself to just feel. Her eyes fluttered shut and she hummed when Alex massaged a particular sore spot.

"rest, baby. I've got you," Alex whispered, picking up the woman and carrying her towards the comfier couch at the end of the room. Alex laid down on it, cradling Maggie on top of her and started singing a soft lullaby, caressing the woman's back until she fell asleep.

\---

Alex locked the kryptonite room, feeling more healed and there was no longer soreness in her body, and she started taking her time to walk back towards Lucy's room. It was close to two in the morning and the DEO was empty, Alex had expected uninterrupted silence for the rest of the night especially with both her girlfriends finally getting the sleep they needed.

(She knows they've been too worried about her to actually fall asleep and Alex can't help but the guilt rolling in her stomach for that.

She vowed that she'd get better so that she could take better care of her girlfriends. It's the least she could do. )

"Agent Danvers?" Alex startled at the voice before turning around, watching as Lena fall into steps by her side.

"You can call me Alex, Lena,"

"oh, right okay. There's something I need to talk to you about," Alex stopped in her tracks as she heard how fast Lena's heart was beating. Alex could almost figure out what they were going to talk about, knowing that one of them would have started the conversation and seemingly Alex hadn't just  _h_ _ad the time to merely bring it up_. She couldn't stop herself from smirking. She watched as the confident CEO fidgeted in her stance, looking like an awkward teenager getting caught for trouble.

"Let me go check on my girls and we can head to the cafeteria, yeah?" Alex assured softly. Lena nodded her head, following the agent towards the room.

Lena respectably waited outside Lucy's room and watched how Alex pulled out a blanket and placed it over Maggie, kissing her forehead before moving towards Lucy. Lena felt herself smiling at the genuine and sweet gesture, the pure adoration coating Alex's eyes as she kissed Lucy's forehead too before taking a step back.

Lena hasn't seen Alex that relaxed before; granted that whenever they meet is during dire circumstances, except for that one time during lunch. (Alex was still very tensed and troubled then.) But right here and now? Lena was almost swept away by the love radiating from the agent, the kind where it envelopes you in a safety blanket, the promise of protection not from just physical dangers, but emotional too.

Alex walked back towards Lena, closing the door quietly and noticed how the girl was just standing still.

"you okay?"

And Lena was just _floored_ by the sincerity and the softness of the question. as if Alex cared truly about her too.

(She knows Alex trusted her, but to care about her?)

"Yeah, yeah let's go shall we?" Lena deflected.

Alex nodded her head before leading Lena down to the cafeteria. She fixed the other woman a cup of tea because god forbade someone actually have a decent sleep for these past few days.

Lena eyed her cup disappointingly, her lower lip jutting out and Alex almost laughed at how the girl looked so young and so much like her sister.

"Nu-uh, little Luthor, you need to sleep soon too," Alex teased, before pulling up a chair and sitting beside the woman.

Lena smiled shyly at the new term of endearment from the older Danvers; her heart warming up before she took a sip of the tea. She'd hate to admit how her body immediately relaxed and uncoiled itself into something less... _tense._ They sat in silent for while, letting the tension of the days to disintegrate on its own and relaxing in the comfort of each other's presence.

"So erm, Kara and I have been dating for awhile now," Lena started carefully after a couple of sips, her fingers clutching the cup tightly in her two hands and she found herself unable to look up.

Alex hummed in agreement, watching from the corner of her eyes with a teasing smirk on her lips as she sipped her own cup of tea. She waited patiently for the girl to continue, finding it ridiculous how nervous Lena was.

"and I, well, I know we hadn't had much time to hang out but you mean a lot to Kara. and-" Lena huffed out in frustration, blowing the annoying fringe that fell down to her face and hindering her view, her fingers playing an indistinct rhythm on her mug. She heard Alex snickered and couldn't help to face her, wondering what the older Danvers was actually thinking.

"Lena, listen, you've proven yourself to be loyal and dedicated, even when we were facing your mother,"

"I think that enough proves as it is that I trust you with my sister," Alex replied firmly and Lena visibly _beamed._

"so you're fine with a Luthor dating a Super?" Alex took note of the hint of hope in her voice and can't help to wonder whether this woman had actually fallen truly deep for her sister. Her heart warmed at the thought of her sister finally meeting her match.

"as long as that Super is my sister or else between me and Lois, we'd make your presence nonexistent," Alex playfully glared at Lena, seeing the woman actually pale before nudging her shoulder gently.

Lena forced out a nervous laugh, hoping that Alex was truly joking even when she knew that Alex was more than capable of doing so -heck she could even hide her body somewhere it'll never be found if Lena ever actually hurts Kara.

A beat of silence continued before Lena spoke up again. "There's something else," Lena confessed.

Alex turned to face her now, her cup seemingly empty and Lena was about to grab the kettle for a refill, trying to find something to do, when Alex stopped her with a gentle touch on her forearm.

"You know how my mother placed a bomb in your head? I finally cracked the code and figured out how to actually defuse it and remove it from your brain completely,"

Alex stared dumbfoundedly at the revelation, head tilted up slightly and her eyebrows creasing up as she tried to comprehend what was just said.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Since when was there a bomb ever in her head?

"Kara told me about it. I've been trying to crack it and I finally did," Lena replied cautiously, her words slowed as she realized that Alex seemed to have no clue on what she was talking about.

Alex stared at the wall behind Lena, her eyes distant and far away and Lena mentally kicked herself. _Alex didn't know._

"Who has the button?" Alex asked, her voice hollow and empty while her right hand subconsciously touched the base of her neck, feeling a non-existent bump but couldn't help but knowing that there's something there.

"The last I heard was it got crushed in the warehouse,"

_warehouse. That was a few months ago. How long has everyone known?_

Alex could feel the chill in her body but decided not to dwell on it. A part of her wanted to be angry but she couldn't. She knew, if she had known about the bomb in her head then, she wouldn't have been so sturdy during any of the missions after. and that it was only kept a secret for the sake of her own safety. Was she upset? Sure. But she couldn't find it in her to actually be angry about it.

"When can you remove it?"

"uh, anytime you want I supposed,"

Alex focused back on Lena, and she noticed the wrinkle on her forehead and the bags under her eyes. As much as she wanted the bomb in her head to be rid of as soon as possible, she knew the Luthor was very much exhausted. She'd prefer her life to be in the hands on someone who is well rested rather than a sleep-deprived scientist living on coffee.

_Not now then._

"Tomorrow morning. After you get at least five hours of sleep," Alex instructed, pointing her index finger as a warning for Lena to not argue. Lena sighed loudly before reluctantly agreeing.

"I guess I'll just head home then,"

"I'll ask one of my agents to drive you home," Alex offered, in which she was glad that Lena hadn't declined. Alex stood up, gesturing Lena to follow her.

The women bid their farewell at the carpark; an SUV waiting for Lena to send her back to Kara's apartment. (Kara hasn't slept well without her sister by her side nowadays but Alex wanted to stay with her girlfriends tonight so she sent the next best thing.)

Lena was about to enter the car when she felt her arm being tugged and without a chance for her to react, Alex pulled her in for a hug.

The young CEO felt herself melted into the sudden embrace. She returned the hug, softly exhaling in relief as the agent held her strongly and protectively.

"Rest well, Luthor," Alex muttered before releasing the woman.

And for once, her last name doesn't sound so evil, so condescending. Lena smiled softly as she entered the car for real now. A smile tugging at her lips as she waved a final farewell for the night towards the agent.

Something about it all made Lena feel as if she finally found a place where she belonged.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do leave a comment below telling me what you feel about this chapter! I don't normally reply comments because I'm not often on here unless to upload something but please do know that i read them!


	14. all that i want is a hole in the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex came by bearing three cups of smoothies because her girlfriend may be tiny, but she sucked up drinks like a vacuum, especially when she's stressed out of her mind.

The results came back in the early morning after all three women had a well-prepared and well-cooked breakfast courtesy of Kara. Alex had made sure that her girlfriends had eaten every spoonful, taking care of them as her top priority. She knew both Maggie and Lucy were still struggling with everything as much as she was, and frankly, she found it helpful to her that she's helping her girlfriends. (She's not avoiding her own problems, by all means, she's handling that way better in therapy _shockingly_ than both her girls.)

(Alex also knew that watching someone else almost die, is perpetually almost as traumatizing as the one that almost died, multiple times to be exact.)

Lucy may not have bee a medical expert but she knew that the words "spinal cord traumatic injury" is likely to be really serious and could eventually end with "paralyze forever" or "dying".

Fortunately, Alex had shot down that thought _because movies aren't real Lucy, those are just the extremities._

They let the doctor explained further the severity of the situation, and the following treatment with the precautions and possible results (both good and bad). And once the doctor left, Lucy hadn't felt a silent that suffocating in a while.

Everyone in the room seemed to be lost in thought, and Lucy can't help but mentally hate herself because how did she not went to get a check-up before? She should have known and that it was proper protocol to check-in but god, was she stubborn.

"there's only one other option," Alex muttered, glancing up towards Lucy who was on the bed, her bottom lip jutted out and her face scrunched up adoringly. Alex melts at the sight.

"yeah but the possibility of-"

"it's very minimal. Once they fixed your broken spine back together, it'll get better," Alex reassured, taking Lucy's hands in hers, squeezing slightly. Lucy mumbled something incoherent, and Alex pretended to not hear it; allowing her girlfriend to forget that she had enhanced hearing for the sake of her privacy.

Meanwhile, both of the DEO agents realized how quiet their detective girlfriend was. Lucy visibly gulped and opened her mouth to speak. She hadn't meant for her voice to tremble when she addressed the woman that seemed to be focusing on something -something bad.

"Maggie?"

Maggie's head snapped up from staring intently at the floor, having the look where she was figuring something out in her head or trying to solve a case at home despite the "no work at home" rule that was set in place t _o keep a balanced lifestyle, Maggie._

Lucy immediately thought of the worse and couldn't help the feeling of insecurity washing over her, feeling dread that Maggie was mad or something worse. (She knew her girlfriends aren't like that, but still.)

"how?" Maggie asked, less of a question but more of a demand and Lucy felt herself still, felt her body caved in and her heart tipping from its broken pedestal, ready to crash like all those other times.

"how what?" Lucy's voice was soft and timid, but her eyes remained stubbornly firmed despite how blurry it's becoming.

Alex's attention shifted from Lucy to Maggie and back again, the same question that Maggie was referring to in her head stuck in her mind.

"how did you get that injury, Lucy?" her voice was tender and understanding, a huge contrast from Maggie's posture that was screaming nothing but _I'm a detective, i detect, Lucy Lane.. I dare you to try and lie to me now._  but yet Lucy could feel her stomach tied in knots. She shut her eyes tight, pressing her fingers to her close eyelids and confessed shakily.

"I-i think it's during the clean-up process. I, well something exploded. It hit me but I brushed it off because it was late, and I wanted to go home to you two. and-and I'm sorry," she said the last part almost too soft that Maggie would have asked her to repeat herself if she was any other person.

Maggie isn't any other person.

Maggie shook her head softly. She stood up from where she was sitting -and for a moment Lucy thought that she was going to leave, that she was too angry to even be in the same room as her, that this was it- and sat on the bed by Lucy's side. She tangled her fingers with the Director and could feel the woman trembling beneath her. Maggie tightened her hold on her fingers, pressing them to her lips and making sure that Lucy could feel every bit of comfort that the detective was giving.

"Lucy, listen. You-you need to take better care of yourself okay? That means getting checked out properly and telling us when you're hurting. and let us care for you too okay?"

"You guys do take care of me..."

"Yeah but you tend to hide injuries from us. And if we're going to make this- us- work, we need to know okay? Because we-" Maggie paused. and Lucy felt her breath hitched as Maggie clutched her hands tighter, pushing their intertwined fingers to her chest and stared into her eyes ferociously.

"Because we love you,"

Lucy's breath hitched as she felt the air getting kicked out of her lungs. She remained motionlessly still and her mouth gaped open slightly.

"I love you. and Alex and I, we want you to be safe and healthy,"

"And we need you alive, Lucy. I need you alive and living," Maggie whispered, her voice cracking at the end.

cracking Lucy's entire resolved too.

Lucy broke at those three words, her walls falling and breaking in pieces because these girls... these girls came with a wrecking ball and within the short span of them together, Lucy has never felt so wanted, so needed, _so loved_ in her whole entire life.

"We love you, Lucy," Alex emphasized, nodding her head as she rubbed Lucy's back gently, gently because these girls are nothing but gentle and soft to her, even with their badass exterior, even with _her_ badass exterior.

"You're not going to leave?" Lucy mumbled weakly and fearfully, sucking in deep breaths as well as she could to stop the shaking in her body.

"No, honey. Never,"

She felt herself being pulled, felt two pairs of arms around her and god, she had never felt this safe with anyone before.

"I love you," _I love you and it feels like my heart is expanding so much with the love I have for you and I think if it burst and I die tonight, i wouldn't mind._

\---

Kara flew in through the window, sending papers flying all around and a Lena Luthor to tsk annoyingly as she sat on the couch reading a magazine.

"sorry! sorry!" Kara rushed as she picked up the loose papers and placing them back on the desk.

"I should invest on some paperweights, shouldn't I," Lena teased, patting the space by her side, in which Kara gladly filled up.

Kara placed a soft kiss on her girlfriend's lips, smiling as she pulled away and tugging herself underneath her girlfriend's arm.

"long day?"

"hmm not really, just miss you,"

"what's on your mind, Supergirl?"

Kara froze minutely, recovering just as quick but Lena, having mastered the skills of observing, perfectly captured the moment that flashed through Kara's eyes.

"Kara..." Lena drawled out, squinting her eyes to look at her girlfriend whom she knew definitely did something she shouldn't have.

"I didn't do anything!" Kara exclaimed, her hands flying everywhere under Lena's heated gaze, spluttering and making a mess out of herself. Lena suppressed a smile because of course, Kara did something.

"I swear to- okay fine, I mayhaveeavesdroppedyourconversationwithmysister,"

Usually, no one would catch that. Usually, Lena wouldn't even catch that. Because Kara tends to mumble her words and speak as fast as she could possibly (which mind you, is pretty fucking fast.) and usually Lena would have asked her to repeat herself. But this time, thank god, she caught the gist of it- something that starts with eavesdrop and ends with sister tends to only mean one thing that had happened.

Lena tried to stop the growing smile on her lips, though she failed miserably and only managed to burst into a fit of laughter at the mere thought that Kara was guilty because of that. (To be fair, it is Kara Danvers after all.)

Kara was momentarily confused for a moment, seeing her girlfriend laughing at her all of a sudden before a smile broke out on her own lips because Lena's smile is gorgeous and her laughs, god, Kara could hear it all day and will never get tired of it.

"So what did you hear about out conversation, Kara?"

"Hmm, just something about approval," Kara said, punctuated with a kiss, before continuing, "-and trust-" another kiss, "-and I'm really glad that you're in my life because I don't know where I'll be without you in it,"

By the time Kara finished her sentence, Lena was breathless by the kiss that had deepened, finding herself lying on the couch with Kara on top of her. Lena's eyes widened, before smirking and pulling the girl of steel back down towards her.

"I don't know where I'll be without _you_ in it,"

\---

Maggie slammed the case file onto the metal table, a resounding thud echoed through the small interrogation room; her hands firmly pressed into the cold table as she glared into the eyes of Lillian Luthor.

Her eyes remained stoic and guarded as Lillian's composure remained ramrod straight and giving away nothing. Maggie waited, clenching her jaw and letting her emotions cool down before addressing the woman. If it weren't for the protocols that she sworn to follow, she would have beaten the shit out of the woman without a second glance; gives the embodiment of evil reincarnation a taste of her own medicine. God, Maggie hates her so much she just wanted to fucking murder that devil-

_no that's an insult to the devil himself._

"Unethical human experimentation, multiple alien genocides and forced deportations, illegal imprisonment of humans and others as potential test subjects, torture and other inhumane acts-"

"are all crimes against humanity, Detective?" the snarl in her voice and that unwavering nonchalant in her face grates Maggie's nerves to the core. _She would pay to just leave a fucking scratch on that stupid fucker's body. (preferably ten inches deep.... in her heart.)_

"We are creating National City a better place," Lillian continued, her voice cold and revealing nothing for the Detective, touching every button she had on Maggie, knowing that the Detective was affected too much, and too personally, to _not_ have a reaction.

"by what? eradicating the city from people who opposes your point of view?" Maggie replied dryly, dragging out the chair opposite of Lillian and allowed herself to calmly sit on the chair. She was not going to give that monster the satisfaction of knowing how much she was affected by this.

"You do realize that we're only interrogating you because of protocol right? That there is more than one evidence that will put you behind bars you will never escape from," Maggie hissed, her voice edgy as she scowled at Lillian Luthor.

Lillian merely slumped back into her chair, twisting her hands in the metal handcuffs to a comfortable position and a small smirk played on the side of her lips.

It took every ounce of self-control in Maggie for her to not just rip the woman to shreds and dispose of her in the most hostile way.

_You would be no better than her._

_Shut up, brain._

"I'd like to have my lawyer now," Lillian said, a hint of smugness evident in her voice. Maggie gritted her teeth. _Stupid protocols._

"Very well," Maggie stood up and left the room, leaving the door shut with a soft click, a huge contrast to what she was feeling inside and went to spoke to her captain.

"Maybe you shouldn't be the one interrogating her, Sawyer," her partner called out as she walked past him and into the captain's office.

"Bite my ass, McCall,"

As Maggie waited for her captain to acknowledge her presence, she pulled out her phone and typed out furiously.

<Me: I need you.>

She didn't have to wait long for her phone to start buzzing.

<Alex: I'm on my way.>

<Lucy: Come by to the DEO once you guys are done.>

<Lucy: You'll be fine, Maggie.>

<Lucy: She'll be behind bars. Don't let her get to you.>

<Lucy: We love you.>

<Me: I love you too.>

\---

Alex came by bearing three cups of smoothies because her girlfriend may be tiny, but she sucked up drinks like a vacuum, especially when she's stressed out of her mind. Alex also noted that Maggie tends to be overly and obsessively healthy when she was stressed too, which shook Alex to the core, Alex who was used to eating greasy junk food almost all the time.

Alex strolled over to Maggie's desk, waited patiently as she watched her favorite detective paced in the Captain's office, hands flying and motioning everywhere, indicating the passionate outburst that she was going on about. Alex forced herself to not eavesdrop, slumping into Maggie's office chair and tapping her fingers on the wooden table.

By the time Maggie left the Captain's office, her face was tensed and hard, sour-looking and Alex had to raise the cup of smoothie in front of her face to be acknowledged for her presence.

"Hey babe," Alex cautiously said, standing up, opening her arms and hovering her hands above Maggie's shoulder, unsure if she wanted to be touched right now.

Maggie almost immediately fell into Alex's embrace, only Alex's firm and steady body keeping her up as the anger radiated off of her.

"I'm so fucking pissed," Maggie muttered softly, but her voice thick with anger and rage but muffled as she pressed her face into Alex's chest.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

Maggie shut her eyes for a moment, counted down to ten to calm herself before checking the time on her watch. She knew that it had already past her lunch time and Lillian could wait however fucking long she wants to because if she stepped into the room again, she swore she would shoot that asshole in between her eyes without blinking.

"yea," Maggie breathed out, though she didn't step out of Alex's arms.

Alex rubbed her back soothingly, slightly navigating the woman to walk out of the precinct, still attached to her whilst her other hand carries the rest of the smoothie. Alex kissed the woman's hair softly.

"You're not alone, baby,"

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tests are coming up so i haven't been able to update as fast for this month. But I'm pretty certain that this story is coming to a close and that i'm just tying up and finishing the plot so expect another few more chapters? 
> 
> Anyways, please do leave a comment and feedback! Constructive criticism is well appreciated too!


	15. i'll keep pushing forth, i'll carry on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time they reached home, Kara and Lena too had arrived at the same time to Alex's apartment; Kara bearing a shit ton of food from the Chicago truck, and healthy vegan food for both Lena and Maggie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this when i should really be studying for my msts but oh well procrastination am i right

Lillian Luthor left the courtroom, handcuffed and a smirk gracing her lips, leaving shudders to run up the spine of anyone watching her stroll down the street and into a black land cruiser. (How the hell a criminal get a good ride to prison baffled everyone.)

Maggie watched on with her fingers clenched tightly into a fist, hovering above her gun holstered to her hip and her face anything but friendly and kind. Maggie knew she was a good shot, heck, she could've shot Lillian from far and no one would even remotely know it's her.

The only thing that stopped her was the hands on each of her forearms, tethering her to the present, to the reality, and to her moral conscience.

The courtroom emptied but three women remained stoic still at the entrance, unaware of anything but _Lillian Luthor fucking left the courtroom with the least amount of charges and what the hell?_

It was Lucy who broke out of the trance first, shifting uncomfortably around her crutches, and facing towards her girls; studying them as best as she could.

She trailed her fingers up and down Maggie's arm, squeezing ever so slightly to bring the woman back to her. Her eyes flitted to Alex, her body slumped forward in an almost defeat. Lucy tilted her head in confusion.

"Al, baby what's on your mind?" Lucy gently prodded, moving slightly to reach the agent and clutching their fingers together. Alex trembled slightly, before pulling herself together and hiding the fear that had flooded over her momentarily.

"Nothing,"

And both Maggie and Lucy caught the lie but they promptly kept their mouth shut because Alex was standing too straight, too guarded, and they were certain the wrong words would just cause their girlfriend to snap.

Maggie and Lucy shared a glance, a conversation running through wordlessly before Lucy nodded her head. Lucy gently tugged Alex towards her, waited for the taller girl to comply willingly.

Alex, unsurprisingly, fell into their embrace without further prompting; falling into their hug and breathed out shakily.

"Can we go home?" Alex asked shakily, feeling the nods from her girlfriends more so than seeing it.

The three women made their way to the parking lot, still somewhat lost in their own heads as the weight of Lillian Luthor being prosecuted with the least amount of charges given to a murderer lay heavily on their shoulder. They piled into the car with Maggie in the driver's seat and Lucy and Alex huddled at the back.

"Mags?"

Maggie only sucked the inside of her cheeks and her grip on the wheel tightened. Alex and Lucy decided to leave the woman alone for now- until they're back in their safe place.

\---

By the time they reached home, Kara and Lena too had arrived at the same time to Alex's apartment; Kara bearing a shit ton of food from the Chicago truck, and healthy vegan food for both Lena and Maggie.

They dug into the food quietly, the apartment void of any other noise except for the ripping of food wrappers every now and then. The tension in the air hangs precariously on a thin wooden plank, ready to snap at any moment as everyone moved about the apartment as if nothing had happened, as if everything had happened.

It was Maggie who snapped first, breaking her chopstick in half as she stared into her carton box of untouched food.

It was Alex who picked her up and gently brought her to her makeshift gym in the room down the hallway, closing the door with a soft click and leaving the remaining three women to go back to their food.

Lucy shuddered quietly at the corner of the couch, her lips trembling as she hears the punching bag getting hit over and over again, followed by screams and shouts that were too loud yet too muffled, too clear yet too distant.

It kills her how much it kills her girls.

It kills her more that there was nothing Lucy could do.

"Lucy?" Lena's voice cut through the haze in her brain. Lucy shook herself and shifted her gaze towards the Luthor. (Lucy kicked and chastised herself when her first thought was to scream at the young girl for being related to the most fucked up family to ever existed.)

"There was nothing you could do," Lena whispered.

Lucy looked away, unable to handle the intense emotions rolling off the CEO. Lena was the one directly affected by it. and yet, there she was unwaveringly level-headed and cool. Lucy heaved out a silent breath, curling her knees to her chest and continued eating her food, breathing in Lena's words and letting them calm her own hectic mind.

_There was nothing you could do despite your credibility as a lawyer and being the co-director of the organization that had brought down Cadmus; that had cataloged every single Cadmus' operation but ended up coming in short._

Lillian Luthor deserved worse than just a 10 year in jail. How the fuck she got that simple charges were beyond Lucy's understanding. If Lucy could have just talked to the judge about it...

_no. it would have been a crime itself._ Yet again, perhaps Lillian must have had bribed the judge.

Lucy's thought was cut halfway as Maggie re-entered the living room with red-rimmed eyes and a snotty nose, Alex trailing towards the kitchen to grab the first-aid-kit. Lucy opened her arms, in which Maggie gladly fell into. Her tears seemed to return as Maggie clutched onto Lucy's shirt with her swollen knuckles, burying herself in the crook of Lucy's neck.

"there was nothing we could do," Lucy muttered, gently stroking the detective's hair and willing herself to believe the same thing.

\---

They ended up all sleeping in Alex's apartment; Kara and Lena sharing the guest room while Lucy and Maggie crashed in Alex's massive comfortable bed. Alex heaved a sigh as she shuffled through her living room aimlessly with a bottle of scotch in her hand; flopping into the couch heavily and staring into the darkness by her fireplace.

She sat motionlessly, just staring, just breathing, just a little too still as her eyes drooped low. Alex place the bottle on the coffee table in front of her, letting it sit there and taunt her as she basked in the quiet darkness.

The idea of Lillian Luthor merely being in jail without any more repercussions settle uneasily inside her. (She won't admit the chill that ran up her spine, the coiling of her stomach or how she suddenly felt the oxygen leaving her body as the judge finalized the verdict.)

Alex reached for the bottle but stopped short; the alcohol won't work. She won't feel the burn and god damn it. She's not human. and she'll forever be reminded of that with every single thing she does and god damn it, this is Lillian's fault and fuck.

It's not fair that she has to live with the reminder of what Lillian was capable of, that she has to carry on her life as if Lillian hadn't changed her irreparably, hasn't left her wicked legacy in the form of Supergirl's older sister.

Alex still wonders every day if she's going to turn evil; because she is still the remaining product of Cadmus whether everyone realizes it or not.

Alex was a successful experiment...

and that,

well, that makes her sick to the stomach because Cadmus is now inside her. That she's carrying Cadmus plan, that she's going to be just like _one of them._

Lillian shouldn't have gotten away that easily but Alex knew that she won't find any satisfaction even if Lillian was given a heavier sentence- even death. Lillian deserved so much worse, deserved to get tortured and beaten and hooked to machines, deserved to -

Alex shudders. _She's thinking just like them._

Alex breathed deeply, snatching the bottle and chugging it deep and fast and she shut her eyes to stop the tears from escaping as there was no burning sensation or the feeling of her inhibitions lowering, just like there were very little signs of her being remotely close to human.

The DEO agent, for now, realizes that she has powers and doesn't really quite know what to do with them.

(She's not a superhero. She can't be a superhero. She's not Kara.)

The powers had been useful when they were raiding Cadmus, but now? now it's just there, suppressed and hidden and nothing but a burden. Nothing but a reminder. _Nothing but like her father._

Alex shook the thought away. Her father died when she was sixteen.

(yet, her mom still wanted to do a proper burial for him again. Alex doesn't think she can attend it. She doesn't know if her mom knew that it was her that shot her husband. All her mother knew was that he died at the wrong side of war, she doesn't know that it was her daughter pulling the damn trigger.

She's not sure if many other people knew other than J'onn after he read the autopsy report...

Alex thinks Kara knows.

Maybe that's why Kara has been slightly distant whether she realizes it or not. )

A shaky breath escaped her lips as Alex placed down the now empty bottle on the floor, cradling her head in her hands and rummaging her fingers through her hair.

So many shits have happened within the year and Alex hadn't realized how much until she stopped to think about it.

Was it really a year ago since she met Maggie? since Lucy came back to National City?

Was it really 5 months ago since Cadmus kidnapped her?

Another shudder, another need to puke. Alex laid down on the couch and faced the ceiling. She allowed the soft snores from the occupants in her bed to calm her down as she recalled the accident 5 months ago; the day Cadmus caught her; the start of hell.

How is it only 5 months ago?

\---

_She knew the mission wasn't going to be easy but here with Lucy's voice commanding in her ear as she moves towards the mall made it slightly better for her. The NCPD had already evacuated as many people as possible and out of the corner of her eyes, Alex spotted Maggie, in her oversized NCPD windbreaker, carrying a crying child out to the ambulance surrounding the shopping mall._

_The alien reported seemed to be wrecking havoc only within the mall and not outside of it. And from the looks of it, it seemed to not target humans, at least not the public._

_Alex knew something was off._

_Yet, she pushed it down and reloaded her gun; strapping her knives into her tactical vest before putting on the helmet. She nodded towards her team and gestured towards the door before they crept in slowly; careful not to provoke the alien inside._

_The heat signals and footage cameras hadn't been very clear to guess what alien it was, and that itself is utterly suspicious._

_(The mission was doomed from the start. )_

_Alex heard the familiar rush of wind roaring in her ear as Supergirl flew past her team and into the mall._

_"Supergirl, be cautious," Lucy's voice was steady in her ear._

_Alex nodded at her sister as they located the alien and just like they had planned, Supergirl swooped in to talk some sense into the alien; hoping that they wouldn't need to cause harm._

_(Just in case the alien was simply just confused. It happens.)_

_Alex brought her team to hide behind the walls; still having a clear view of Kara and the alien. Her index finger lay protectively on the trigger, her other hand steadying the rifle, in case._

_There was static in her comm, Lucy's voice crackling and Alex had to adjust a few times before it worked again._

_"-trap," was the only thing she heard before Kara's body was sent across the mall, breaking a couple of pillars before she hit the ground._

_Alex's mouth gaped open as blood seeped out of Kara's skin._

_Fuck,_

_She hadn't had time to even lift her gun before the alien spotted her; before he moved faster than she could comprehend, before she was lifted off the ground; a hand around her neck choking her and successfully cutting the oxygen supply._

_Bullets ricocheted off the skin of the alien- who looked explicitly and creepily human- as Alex was thrown to the side like she was just a nuisance. The impact of the crash made her feel as if her bones just broke right then and there but she pushed herself up; limping away towards Kara who was slowly regaining consciousness._

_They made eye contact and Kara's eyes widened as she heard the sound of time ticking speeding up._

_They made eye contact and Kara didn't get the chance to warn her sister before the building exploded._

_Alex felt herself falling as the building shook, dragging her down as she tried to maintain her balance as pieces of rubble start falling and flying around her, towards her, near her. The ringing in her ears slowed the world down as she spotted pieces of kryptonite residue surround the air around them._

_No. No. No._

_She couldn't hear her own voice but god she knew she was screaming her lungs out for Kara. Everything inside her and outside her starts to burn from the intense heat, from the pollution in the air and her body churns as she forced herself to move, to move, to move._

_The world was shaky. But god, her sense of finding Kara was not._

_Fuck the alien, wherever he was._

_She needs to save her sister._

_\---_

_Kara found her first. Found her steadying herself in futile as she tried gasping for air that was burning her lungs. There was more than just kryptonite in it, she was certain but now? Now she can't seem to get enough oxygen inside her to even think of what is going on._

_Kara grasped her by the arms, slowly looping them around the hero's shoulder before pushing off and finding an exit._

_They need to escape. Where the hell is the backup?_

_The two sisters limped through the mess, coughing and stopping every so often as the air remained toxic and god, so so hot. what the hell? Alex couldn't hear a single thing Kara was saying, could only see in a blur as Kara's mouth moves into something incomprehensible._

_God, what the hell?_

_They were almost out, almost reached what looked like a semblance of an opening before the walls crashed in on them, before Alex pushed her little sister out into the hole, before letting the walls separate them._

_"Go, Kara! Fly!" Was all she could bring herself to say before the heat increased into an almost unbearable sensation. Alex sucked in a breath, resigning to the only outcome left._

_It was too hot, too burning, too much. and Alex felt herself slipping and slipping away from consciousness._

_She closed her eyes to will herself to hold on for a little longer._

_The next time she woke up, she was strapped to a metal surface with a bright light shining excruciatingly down at her._

_The next time she woke up, Alex hadn't felt that kind of pain in her entire life._

_The next time she woke up, Alex wished she hadn't._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do leave a comment below on what you think! (i know i don't usually reply but I do read them and they always make my day!)


	16. cause we got the kind of love it takes to solve 'em

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one month later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's all about that fluffy ending. Enjoy the last chapter folks! Please do comment below if you have any questions or if you want prompts/continuation of this story! hit me up the-girl-at-the-back on tumblr!

~One month later~

They've been prolonging this moment... this vacation thing that they hadn't taken in years and between all three of them, they could have taken at least 3 months of paid leave.

J'onn was more than happy to push his daughters out of the DEO headquarters and banned them from ever stepping foot in there ever again until their 2 weeks vacation days are over.

Maggie's captain too was surprisingly, uncharacteristically, _delighted_ to force Maggie out of the precinct (with the threat of actually firing her if her ass ended up in the damn place within the next 2 weeks too.)

Least to say, the three women hadn't taken a single proper non-work related vacation in years and after everything (after ensuring that everyone was way better along in the recovery process, be it physically or emotionally), their friends had ganged up on them and shoved a two-way plane tickets to Switzerland into their hands.

_"Treat it like a gift from your old man, Agent Danvers. Especially after everything that had happened. You deserve some time with your girls,"_

_"Thank you, father,"_

You'd think that the girls would actually put up a fight, but after Kara's successful glare and deadly pout, they had relented begrudgingly.

(None of them will admit that they were glad to finally get some time off.

None of them will admit that they may or may not have planned something like this before.)

Alex threw her duffle bags into the bumper of the car, dusting her hands before pulling out her phone.

"phone chargers? check. toiletries? check. warm clothing for the cool weather? check."

"warm _bodies_ for the weather? hmm, check." Lucy mumbled, placing her bags beside Alex's and sneaking a peck on her lips. Alex hummed as she pulled Lucy closer to receive a proper kiss; Lucy melting completely into the embrace as they got a little carried away.

"Okay, I've locked up the apartment and we should really get going if we don't want to miss our flight," Maggie said as she headed towards the driver's seat.

"Who said you get to drive?"

"Babe please, it's my car. Get your ass in here or I'm leaving the two of you. I ain't putting away the chance of going to Switzerland just cause the two of you are horny as fuck,"

Alex chuckled before pulling Lucy by the arm and into the Ford Dodge Charger. She settled in the backseat, giving Maggie a kiss while Lucy hops into the passenger's seat; Lucy turned her head to share a deep kiss with Maggie before Maggie revived the engine.

"I still can't believe you didn't tell us you had this black beauty," Maggie's eyebrow quirked up in amusement, a small smirk on her lips.

"If you're a good girl, Danvers, I might one day just let you drive it,"

There was a tinge of red in Alex's cheek, her neck flushed beyond belief, in which both her girlfriends definitely, definitely saw that through the rearview mirror, another evidence piling up onto their observations. Lucy raised a silent eyebrow to Maggie, her thoughts running wild and straight to the gutter. ( _Praise kink. Who would've thought?_ ) Maggie licked her lips, apparently having the same thought and apparently having no other thoughts left.

Lucy cleared her throat.

"Funny thing is... how had we not slept with each other yet even though it has been... what? months?"

"life wasn't in out favor, Director," Maggie chuckled.

"Hmm, it is now and I can't wait," Lucy's voice dropped an octave as her hand settles onto Maggie's thigh unknowingly. Alex gulped and swore she hadn't meant to be so turned on. (It's been a long wait okay?)

"What's our schedule for the week again?" Maggie asked, trying to ignore the heat that shoots through her core and to focus on something that doesn't consist of her girls naked and in bed with her.

It took a while before Alex shook herself out of her head and scrolled through her phone to find the itenary that they had planned with the tour. (They decided that they wanted the vacation to be relaxing and that includes not needing to intensively plan alone beforehand. Yay for Niche tourism.)

"Swiss Alps and Geneva on day 2, Bern on day 3, day 4 is our free day, day 5 in Lucerne and then Zurich for day 6 and 7," Alex said proudly, contented at their schedule as she leans back onto the seat. Maggie cranked up the radio, smacking Lucy's hand away when she tried to change the radio station.

"Let's hope the world doesn't end when we're gone," Lucy piped up, accompanied by two synchronized groans.

"what?"

"now you jinx it," Alex grumbled, nudging her shoulder gently with her hand.

Lucy rolled her eyes.

"Oh shut up, the world can survive without us within the next two weeks. No way in hell are they going to ruin our first vacation,"

"There's going to be more vacations, Lane?"

"You're stuck with me for a long while, Sawyer. I ain't leaving easily,"

"good," Maggie muttered, her posture relaxed in content.

Alex smiled softly from the back, her heart warming at the rightness of it all.

_A lifetime of first._

\---

Day 1:

They landed with the least amount of turbulence and all three women made a mental note to thank J'onn for the first-class seats; getting one of the best relaxed time they've ever had in the presence of one another. (They'd leave out the part that majority of the flight was spent making out with each other and _almost_ getting carried away. Their first time isn't going to be on a fucking airplane, thank you very much.)

They waited for their chauffeur at the airport; already bundled up in layers of jackets and hoodies that doesn't belong to them-

Alex in an oversize West Point jumper, courtesy of Lucy.

Maggie was definitely wearing Alex's Stanford sweater.

While Lucy was donning Maggie's college track varsity jacket

None of them wanted to voice out how good they looked in each other's clothes. None of them wanted to say how exactly good it made them feel.

\---

By the time they finally checked in to their hotel and finished discussing day 2 with their tour guide, Maggie was incredibly antsy and handsy; sliding her hands up into Alex's shirts and trailing goosebumps on her skin. Alex bit her bottom lip, trying not to let the sensation get to her even when Maggie stood on her toes to plant a kiss right at her pulse point.

"I can't fucking wait to have you under me, Danvers," Maggie whispered, lightly scratching Alex's back and Alex let out a soft, almost inaudible moan.

Lucy coughed to cover up her own moan after picturing Alex pliant under them in her head and gracelessly swiped the keycards from the counter of the reception desk.

"Let's go," Lucy rasped out, grabbing each arm before pulling them into the lift and up to their suite room.

They barely managed to kick their bags inside the room before they started pulling at each other clothes, before they start navigating their way to the massive king size bed, fully naked and fully intending to spend each other out.

(They ordered room service to replenish and had barely even finished their food before they were at it again.)

(They were almost late for day 2.)

\---

Day 2:

Lucy Lane is a woman of many talents. She's sharp on her tongue and in her weapons, totally fucking flexible and has a flare of a dancer. Lucy Lane can do many things, can face aliens twice her fucking size and defeat said alien, can probably give many people a run for their money if they bet her on literally anything... Anything but skiing apparently.

Maggie was doubled over, laughing till her stomach aches as Lucy failed to even stand properly without flailing like a complete fool. Alex, having the decency to feel slight pity for their girlfriend, was patiently guiding the Director with a careful support on her arms, unintentionally -lies- letting Lucy go when she fall again lest she wants Lucy to pull her down along with her.

"I hate you," Lucy grumbled, pushing herself up again. Both her girlfriends chuckled before Maggie, giving in to the pity, plants a soft kiss to her cheek.

"I love you too," Maggie replied, hands on Lucy's waist, gently guiding the woman to straighten herself.

"Okay, spread your legs a little bit wider," a tap on her inner thigh caused Lucy to shift, a blush creeping up on her cheeks at the soft intimacy.

"When you bend, you can't overdo it, okay? Just slow and steady until you feel in control,"

Lucy nodded her head, her eyes fluttering as she softens into the touch. She looked up, gasping softly when she realized how close Maggie was to her, before leaning to kiss the corner of her mouth. Maggie's cheek reddened and her eyes widened at the sweet gesture.

Alex instantly snapped a pic of her girlfriends.

(She kept it as her lockscreen for the rest of the day before a better picture of all three of them was taken at the cafe overlooking the hills thanks to one of the waiters; eyes shining in the camera and their hands clutched together as if nothing else matters in the world.

And indeed, nothing else matters right then and there. )

\---

Day 3:

Bern was more of a sightseeing day, with visits to as many museums as they could go possibly. They had saved the best for the last (having started really really early so that they'd get to try out the different local restaurants and cafes too.)

Alex stood on the threshold of the Bern Historical Museum, her mouth gaping open as she stares into the building; eyes dancing in awe as she admires the architecture itself and the entire layout. Her jaw dropped as she stared up into the sky; the view of the entire museum itself made her speechless; how intricately beautiful it was.

It's as if she's stepping into the medieval times. Alex breathed out a shaky air, her body vibrating with excitement as she bounces on her toes. She turned to look at her girlfriends, who had been gazing at her lovingly.

"C'mon!" Alex exclaimed, a little too loud and too much like a child entering a toy store. Both her girlfriends chuckled before they were pulled by the arms and dragged inside.

They hopped from one artifacts and museum pieces to another, spending as much time as they wanted and taking as many pictures as they could. Maggie chuckled as Alex dragged Lucy towards the Einstein's Museum, her eyes twinkling in delight and her body positively glowing.

Maggie pulled out her phone and snapped a few pictures of them together.

(Neither she nor Lucy were a math nerd, but God, they'd listen to Alex's rambles any day.)

Alex was rendered speechless as she stared up at multimedia images of Einstein displayed on the various screens, her jaw opened in awe and her eyes widened in fascination. Lucy slid her arms around Alex's waist, hooking her chin on Alex's shoulder while Alex leaned into Lucy's steady body.

Maggie stood by their side, intertwining their fingers together as they stared up along with Alex.

"Tell us, Alex," Lucy whispered, pulling the agent closer. Alex hesitated, slowly glancing towards both her girlfriends.

"I'm not boring you?" Alex whispered back, a mix of doubt and insecurity flashes in her eyes.

Lucy stepped closer, cradling Alex's cheeks in her palms.

"Never,"

(Alex will never admit that there were tears in her eyes or how shaky her voice was if anyone ever brings it up again.)

\---

Day 4:

(Their free day consisted of dressing _down_ and indoor private swimming pool and staying in bed all day, and dressing up for candle-lit dinner and quiet stroll around the area.

They marked it down as one of their favorite days.)

\---

Day 5:

It was Maggie's idea.

Hiking a 1.7 m high mountain seems like an easy feat, but they didn't take into consideration the steepness and the actual difference in terrain it was compared to the majority of hiking trail in National City.

It was Maggie's idea and they're sweating even in the cold air but god damn was it worth it.

There was something about nature that truly fully resonates with Maggie and how it positively lightened up her entire body. Maggie loves the nature, loves the smell of fresh air and definitely the view.

But what she loves the most is the serenity, the silence of the world as they hummed the tune and melody of nature. It's radiant and captivating and Maggie was struck in awe as she moved languidly across the pathways.

Alex and Lucy moved a little slower than her, their mouth quirked up into smiles as Maggie hopped and breathed deep and chuckles when she sees the different type of birds.

They stopped multiple times for the view. Maggie's eyes brighten and she had the intense urge to shout how happy she was.

And she is.

and god she just wanted to scream that out loud.

(Alex and Lucy have an entire album of just Maggie getting mesmerized by the nature trails.)

They reached a certain fruit tree that allowed the trekkers to pick the fruits and Maggie struggled to reach the one that she actually really wanted. She deflated a little, yet decided to pick out another one.

Maggie squealed when she felt herself getting lifted and her feet not touching the ground. Alex laughed but held on tight as Maggie shakily find her balance.

"A little to the left, Danvers," Maggie instructed and Alex sidestepped a little.

Maggie successfully grabbed the fruit she wanted before pushing her hands up in the air in triumph. Her body shaking with laughter and relief.

Alex placed her down gently, dropping her and catching her swiftly. She kissed the dimples on Maggie's face.

"I love you,"

"I love you too,"

Lucy watched on, her heart melting at the scene.

Maggie turned to catch Lucy's gaze, her dimples deepening.

"I love you,"

Her eyes twinkled as she nodded her head and stepped closer.

"And I love you too,"

\---

Day 6:

They spent the entire day at the night market; hunting for souvenirs for home and their friends, and something to surprise each other.

They had made a system, to decrease the amount of pressure they knew would haunt them as they find gifts for each other.

Lucy would buy for Alex, Alex buying for Maggie, and Maggie to Lucy.

It was a good plan.

Which had also caused them to split up, even after Maggie's protests of _we're in unknown territory, it might be dangerous._

(Who was she kidding, she's dating the most badass women she's ever known. If anything is dangerous, it should be _them_.)

Lucy scanned through the various antique items, both her hands too occupied with various other bags that she hadn't mean to splurge on. ( _It's been a while okay?_ )

Her eyes caught a rustic golden mini-telescope in the corner of the table, glimmering under the sunlight, yet hidden beneath multiple other objects. A small smile graced her lips as she pointed to it to the shop owner.

Lucy didn't even bat an eyelash at how much it actually cost.

\---

It took a while for Maggie to find something for Lucy. She hadn't known the woman as long as both Lucy and Alex knew each other. Still, she doesn't dwell on it for too long. She was here, with them, enjoying one of her best moments in her life and she's entirely grateful for that.

Maggie hadn't find something that immediately screams Lucy out to her. She knew she just needs to search a little harder, but still, she was afraid that she'll never get to give Lucy a good one.

She passed by a stall selling old electronics, unsure how they would still be working and of use to her... until she took a double take, a vintage stereo vinyl record player standing out among the crowd.

Her mind flashed back to Lucy's own hidden vinyl collection that she hadn't opened in years, not ever since the day she threw out her old, broken stereo, or so she told them.

An old man, with a kind patient face and a skin a shade darker than her approached Maggie as she checked out the stereo.

"Does it still work?" Maggie had to ask, in which the man kindly nodded at her and started demonstrating to her how it works. Maggie smiled, taking out her wallet and readily paid for it.

She checked her phone and realized she had taken way too long in her shopping spree. Maggie hurled up her shopping bags and headed to the meetup point.

\---

Alex knew she had to refrain herself from buying a whole ton of shits for both her girlfriends. She had so much trouble talking herself out of buying little things that reminded her each of her girlfriends. She wanted to get something that truly represented them, and in this case, Maggie.

(She definitely had bought something for Lucy too, despite the plan but whatever.)

Alex had been eyeing the wooden carving set for a while now, even as she moved on to other shops. She doesn't know how much Maggie would appreciate it. She knew Maggie had acquired the skills from her childhood; took pride in knowing how to handle those tools. But both her and Lucy had never once found any old works that Maggie had created.

Alex was afraid she might cross a line.

After much contemplation, and her brain having made up her mind for her, Alex carefully paid for the wooden carving set; locally made and designed intricately at its grip. Alex had inspected each tool carefully and prayed to God that Maggie would like it; that she wouldn't be doing something wrong.

\---

They decided to present the gifts when they're back in National City, back home.

\---

Day 7:

Maggie pulled up the sheets tighter around her bare body as she sat up towards the headboard, a soft smile on her lips as she stares softly at her lovers sleeping beside her.

Lucy shifted, mumbled something incoherent in her sleep as her hand wandered until they made contact with Maggie's waist.

"Why are you so far," Lucy whined as she pulled herself towards Maggie, cuddling her head to the detective's side and humming contentedly when Maggie run her fingers through her hair.

"Morning, babe," Maggie whispered, careful to not wake the other sleeping beauty beside her.

"'orning," Lucy yawned, shifting her head so that she could stare up at Maggie.

A lazy smile was sent her way and Maggie might have almost melted at the sight of it alone.

Lucy is gorgeous.

even more so when she's truly relaxed; seemingly sated and naked under the sheets.

"What time is it?"

Maggie stretched for her phone to check.

"Hmm, a little close to 7 in the morning,"

"why the fuck are you awake and so cheery," Lucy grumbled, pulling the duvet higher to cover her face.

A laugh escaped Maggie's lips and she could've sworn she felt Lucy smile.

"We're going home soon," Maggie sighed with a hint of disappointment in the neutral statement. Lucy stick out her head again, moving up to cuddle Maggie better, head to her chest and let out her own sigh.

"I'm glad we decided to do this," Lucy confessed, her breathing in sync with Maggie's.

"Me too,"

"I love you, Maggie Sawyer,"

Maggie turned her head and stared deeply into Lucy's eyes.

"I love you, Lucy Lane," Her hand came up to brush the hair out of Lucy's face, swiping her cheekbone gently, before pressing a kiss to her lips.

Both of them melted into each other, as the kiss deepened and Lucy can't help the moan coming out of her mouth as Maggie pushed her back to the bed and straddled her.

Both of them were startled when a voice piped out of nowhere.

"Now that's a sight to wake up to," Alex's voice was hoarse and rough from sleep and something about that made both Lucy and Maggie moaned at the sound.

Alex chuckled, her voice still deep as she shifts to her side to get a better view of her girlfriends.

"By all means, please don't stop,"

\---

By the time they landed back to National City, it felt like no time had passed.

Kara and Lena were waiting for them at the airport, Kara waving enthusiastically as she spotted her sister and her girlfriends. (Lena had to remind her that they have not left the security check and _Kara, honey, you're using your supervision please you're waving to no one_.)

As soon as Alex stepped out of the arrival hall, she was immediately greeted by Kara's sudden death-grip hug.

"Hey sis,"

"I miss you," Kara muttered into Alex's chest, as she tightened her hug. Alex chuckled as she returned the embrace, hugging her sister just as tight and relishing her superstrength too.

"I miss you too. I promise we can race around National City tomorrow or something,"

Kara beamed before letting go of her sister. Alex turned towards Lena and opened up her arms in anticipation.

Lena brightened and fell into the hug.

"I miss you too kid," Alex mumbled as Lena eased into the embraced.

They went back separately, three of them in Maggie's car while the other two in Lena's, back to Alex's apartment which suspiciously became more like home than anything else.

(It's the bed. It's the super massive huge ass bed, comfortable as fuck bed...

and definitely the couch too.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do comment below if you have any questions or if you want prompts/continuation of this story! hit me up @the-girl-at-the-back on tumblr too my ask/message is always open!
> 
> Titles of each chapters are from song lyrics:  
> 1\. Mirrors / Pvris  
> 2\. Therapy / All Time Low  
> 3\. Okay / As It Is  
> 4\. Stuck In Remission / Mayday Parade  
> 5\. Yellow / Coldplay  
> 6\. Secret Love Song / Little Mix  
> 7\. Liability / Lorde  
> 8\. Sick of losing soulmates. / dodie  
> 9\. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic / The Police  
> 10\. Demons / Against The Current  
> 11\. Sign of the Times / Harry Styles  
> 12\. Requiem / Dear Evan Hanson  
> 13\. Kiss Me / Ed Sheeran  
> 14\. Hard Times / Paramore  
> 15\. The Siege / East Of Eli  
> 16\. Issues / Julia Michaels

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Hit me up on tumblr @ the-girl-at-the-back


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